(no subject)
Last weekend Mal and I had a wonderful one year anniversary weekend. It wasn't exactly like perfect and romantic, there was a lot of crying and talking about our relationship, but I think it was something we really needed with our whole getting back together and trying to really make it work this time. He also tried soo hard to make it a special weekend for me despite the fact our plans got kind of rained out and his car was in the shop. He baked me cookies and wrote me a poem and put together a list of quotes about love and our love with inside jokes incorporated in. It was the sweetest thing, and just not what I would ever expect a guy to do for me. He also bought a football cake for us to watch the superbowl together. He has been everything that I wanted him to be throughout our whole relationship, but I haven't responded well at all. Everything is just so intense, and really he broke my heart once, I don't want to rush in to it all over again. He tells me that going through this just made him realize how much he missed me and that he only wants me, but it's so hard for me to trust what he says. I love him with all of my heart, but I just wish he would take things slower for me. I told him I wasn't ready to hear all the things he has been telling me and he just told me to take my time and that he would wait for me. I don't know. I realize that it sounds like a dream come true, this is the Mal I always wanted, because I knew he was a sweet guy and I knew he would be like this if he would just stop taking me for granted, but now that I have what I want it all seems too fast, so overwhelming. I'm not even used to any guy treating me even remotely like this. Plus there is the fact that when he became re-interested and started calling me every night again, I was really in the process of convincing myself to be over him and to move one, he caught me just in time, but the fact that I was at that point just still makes me skeptical about our whole situation. I don't know if all of this is my fault for being distant towards guys who treat me well or if it really is because of everything that happened. I feel awful because he has to keep dealing with me getting upset and freaking out about two certain girls, even though I pretty much know nothing is or will be going on with them. I'm just so afraid of getting too close again. The weekend he broke up with me was the one after I told him I was happy and that I finally wanted to let my guard down, so I'm just afraid of letting my guard down again. I feel like I should be done with all this contemplating, we've been back together over a month and there isn't the slightest doubt in my mind that he loves me right now, but who knows how long it will really last this time. He knows all about how I feel, and he just apologizes and cries and it's sweet, but it doesn't make things better or easier for me. I just really hope I can figure all this out for myself before I push him away, because the one thing I know for sure is that I don't want to lose him. He's the one that makes me smile and laugh. He's kind of the highlight of every week for me right now.