(no subject)
I’m not sure. I’m not sure what I’m doing. I’m not even sure what I’m writing here. Or what I want to write. Or what I want to do. All the things I thought I wanted to do, everything I love and dreamed about seems rather unimportant and if not unimportant, it just seems out of my grasp, or I feel indifferent to it. I don’t feel like doing it anymore. Pursuing those things I’m supposed to be working toward. Maybe it’s some kind of funk. I don’t know . I just feel like I don’t want anything enough anymore. I feel no motivation. I don’t even feel the urge to do the things I love anymore. I don’t read like I used to. I love books. I love reading and immersing myself in a new world, getting lost in that world and thinking over the characters, seeing things from their eyes. I don’t write either. I haven’t written anything worth noting for months. I still think about my stories and characters, but it’s more out of habit than anything. I haven’t developed any new story lines in ages. And art. I do it only because I have to and it’s become a chore. I don’t feel the fulfillment I used to from creating something. Everything is so blank. I don’t know what I want for my life anymore. Everything is monotony, but I like it that way. I never try to stray away from that, but maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I’m my problem... Well, clearly I am. Maybe I’m scared. I am scared. I don’t want things to change, but at the same time I do. I don’t know what I want. I want to get through school. I want to be able to make money after school. I want to travel. I want to meet someone who I click with. I want to know how to talk to people without having to feel so entirely awkward. I want to know how to be independent. I want to be creative, but I worry that I’ve lost that. I’ve lost my creativity. It’s dried up and I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. School isn’t suppose to dry up your creativity, it’s suppose to inspire you, isn’t it? Than what’s happening to me? Where did that motivation go? What am I doing? What do I want? I don’t know. I really don’t.