(no subject)
it's saturday night again.
my father's not home yet. my mother has gone to sleep after waiting for him for some time. i'm staying up to do my homework.
it'll be 12 or 1 when he finally comes. he'll be drunk. all his noise, he'll carry that into the house. he will slam the door. he will drop onto the chair to remove his shoes. he'll talk to me. he'll demand answers. he won't listen, but he'll make me listen to him for a good 15 minutes. i don't want to and i'll drown out whatever he's saying with the thought that i hate him. i hate him i hate him i hate him SHUT UP
my mother will wake up from the noise. she'll come out of the bedroom and squint at us from the hallway. what are you doing? my father will answer and i won't be looking at either of them because i'll be thinking, it's happening again. this is four weeks ago. this is two weeks ago. you're living those saturday midnights again. you literally know what happens next.
my father will begin to speak louder but what he says will make less sense than what he's been saying. my mother will be annoyed. they will both get angry eventually, and this spills over into an argument. my father will say unnecessary, hurtful things to my mother. my mother will not even show a hint of weakness, though. and she will tell him to take a shower, have dinner, and go to bed. he will tell her to shut up.
my sister will attempt to intervene while i watch helplessly, trying my best not to cry or scream. i'll curse myself for not acting like the older sister in this situation, curse myself for being so fucking useless. what's the point of getting angry when i can't do shit?
the fight will die down eventually, and my parents won't speak to each other. if i crying, my mother will come and comfort me and tell me not to. i will want her to go away because i don't deserve to cry, so i'll force the tears to stop. i'll pretend to be strong for her. i'll tell her i'm OK, so please go to sleep. good night.
my mother will return to the bedroom, and my father will come out to talk to my sister and i. your mother is this and that. can you believe this and that? he will dump his 13 years' worth of frustration on my sister and me, and all i will think is "shut up".
he'll go to sleep eventually, but his voice will still be ringing in my ears. when my sister isn't looking, i'll start crying again.
my father's not home yet. my mother has gone to sleep after waiting for him for some time. i'm staying up to do my homework.
it'll be 12 or 1 when he finally comes. he'll be drunk. all his noise, he'll carry that into the house. he will slam the door. he will drop onto the chair to remove his shoes. he'll talk to me. he'll demand answers. he won't listen, but he'll make me listen to him for a good 15 minutes. i don't want to and i'll drown out whatever he's saying with the thought that i hate him. i hate him i hate him i hate him SHUT UP
my mother will wake up from the noise. she'll come out of the bedroom and squint at us from the hallway. what are you doing? my father will answer and i won't be looking at either of them because i'll be thinking, it's happening again. this is four weeks ago. this is two weeks ago. you're living those saturday midnights again. you literally know what happens next.
my father will begin to speak louder but what he says will make less sense than what he's been saying. my mother will be annoyed. they will both get angry eventually, and this spills over into an argument. my father will say unnecessary, hurtful things to my mother. my mother will not even show a hint of weakness, though. and she will tell him to take a shower, have dinner, and go to bed. he will tell her to shut up.
my sister will attempt to intervene while i watch helplessly, trying my best not to cry or scream. i'll curse myself for not acting like the older sister in this situation, curse myself for being so fucking useless. what's the point of getting angry when i can't do shit?
the fight will die down eventually, and my parents won't speak to each other. if i crying, my mother will come and comfort me and tell me not to. i will want her to go away because i don't deserve to cry, so i'll force the tears to stop. i'll pretend to be strong for her. i'll tell her i'm OK, so please go to sleep. good night.
my mother will return to the bedroom, and my father will come out to talk to my sister and i. your mother is this and that. can you believe this and that? he will dump his 13 years' worth of frustration on my sister and me, and all i will think is "shut up".
he'll go to sleep eventually, but his voice will still be ringing in my ears. when my sister isn't looking, i'll start crying again.