the focus
i have to revamp kurtis with a k. for so long i told people that they first have to love themselves before they can love anyone else. i strongly believe that you cannot love yourself unless you are happy with yourself. you cannot be happy with yourself if there is confusion as to who you are.
well now i've realized that i don't know who i am anymore. i woke up today and looked in my little rearview mirror and realized that i have no idea who i am. need to push that rear defrost button. i have one week of classes which requires an essay, two computer programs, hour and a half video viewing and then discussion, computer science test, and history test part one. then i have a week of finals which won't be awful, but i have some test for a government position on tuesday, two finals on wednesday, and a rehearsal on tuesday night for which i have not praticed. then after that maybe i can become reaquainted with the self. i have a book i'm gonna read. again. it helped me in high school and i'm hoping it can do the same now.
so what sparked this?
well, i've discovered that i'm rather out of sorts. i'm pretty good at keeping my cool most of the time. i can easily keep my anger in check and it doesn't rear it's ugly head unless strongly strongly forced. well i feel that it's been all too easy to get me close to that point and i'm not a fan of that. i used to have the ability to suppress what i consider to be negative characteristics, but as of late that ability has been fading. i feel like i act on selfish motives all the time. i feel like i'm constantly thinking of myself. i wish i could go on sabatical from kurtis with a k. i have no crutch here.
because of this, i feel like a shitty friend. i've never been that great at keeping up with others, but i know that of all times, now is not great for me to focus on others and their problems. i'm having difficulty keeping my own under control. what surprises me most is the smoking. i have no desire to smoke. IF i feel a slight urge, it is squelched by the thought of the way it makes my mouth taste. i don't know why it's been such a success this time around, but it has.
i am beginning to struggle with the cutting thing. i know that's bad, but that's the place that i'm headed toward. it's been coming up every day in my head for the last month, but it's increasing to the point where i'm having to breathe slowly and concentrate to talk myself out of it.
i know one thing. i must get myself sorted out. i won't be the only one to pay a price if i don't.
well now i've realized that i don't know who i am anymore. i woke up today and looked in my little rearview mirror and realized that i have no idea who i am. need to push that rear defrost button. i have one week of classes which requires an essay, two computer programs, hour and a half video viewing and then discussion, computer science test, and history test part one. then i have a week of finals which won't be awful, but i have some test for a government position on tuesday, two finals on wednesday, and a rehearsal on tuesday night for which i have not praticed. then after that maybe i can become reaquainted with the self. i have a book i'm gonna read. again. it helped me in high school and i'm hoping it can do the same now.
so what sparked this?
well, i've discovered that i'm rather out of sorts. i'm pretty good at keeping my cool most of the time. i can easily keep my anger in check and it doesn't rear it's ugly head unless strongly strongly forced. well i feel that it's been all too easy to get me close to that point and i'm not a fan of that. i used to have the ability to suppress what i consider to be negative characteristics, but as of late that ability has been fading. i feel like i act on selfish motives all the time. i feel like i'm constantly thinking of myself. i wish i could go on sabatical from kurtis with a k. i have no crutch here.
because of this, i feel like a shitty friend. i've never been that great at keeping up with others, but i know that of all times, now is not great for me to focus on others and their problems. i'm having difficulty keeping my own under control. what surprises me most is the smoking. i have no desire to smoke. IF i feel a slight urge, it is squelched by the thought of the way it makes my mouth taste. i don't know why it's been such a success this time around, but it has.
i am beginning to struggle with the cutting thing. i know that's bad, but that's the place that i'm headed toward. it's been coming up every day in my head for the last month, but it's increasing to the point where i'm having to breathe slowly and concentrate to talk myself out of it.
i know one thing. i must get myself sorted out. i won't be the only one to pay a price if i don't.