Some things I wrote before I relapsed last time, not much different from modern times I must say.
July 5th, 08.
I haven't written in here for a while. I think I'm just afraid to change. I've been acting out since Jay broke up with me. I haven't called him because I'm scared to. Noone really likes me. The way I am is going backward not forward. I have no awareness of social situations and I never realize how I affect anyone. I'm trying to change just by realizing what is wrong, but I never think what I'm doing is wrong if someone tells me. That has to do with things I say more times than not. The way I feel and the things I say are completely different, I just feel so much anger sometimes that I make up things. If not that then I'm just severely depressed crying in a corner with a razor blade. Just because the knife didn't penetrate and the drugs didn't enter my bloodstream or get in my possession doesn't mean I'm just fine.
July 7th, 08.
Dear Tina,
I hate you. You're acting like a fucking slut. You think you have the option of which guy you'd like to be with, but none of them like you anyway enough to be with you and you really can't make someone happy. You are insulting rude and mean to people you care about and it doesn't matter how you feel because that's what you show to them. No matter what, you'll ultimately hurt them and yourself. You're just addicted to the drama and unless you can change you will definetly be alone forever with cats. Is that what you wanted? There is no prince charming that is going to save you, you need to save yourself and understand the reality of situations. You're not a dumb girl, you know what you need to do, stop acting crazy. You'll be fine. You just need to wait and in the meantime keep the same mistakes from being repeated and do the next right thing. Don't expect anything too fast. You're pretty, have a cute style, smarter than you think, you play video games and funny when you're in a good mood. You've been told all these things by friends or told you're an ideal girlfriend by boys. You just don't believe it because you're so used to hating yourself and being miserable. You don't need to feel bad about being happy, things are going to be fine, you're going to complete school this time and use your talent in art not drugs. Even though you want a boyfriend, you could have fun being alone, you don't need that validation, and you cant even decide who you want to be with anyway. Just take what you can get and take care of yourself. Learn how to be nicer. Love yourself. <3
I haven't written in here for a while. I think I'm just afraid to change. I've been acting out since Jay broke up with me. I haven't called him because I'm scared to. Noone really likes me. The way I am is going backward not forward. I have no awareness of social situations and I never realize how I affect anyone. I'm trying to change just by realizing what is wrong, but I never think what I'm doing is wrong if someone tells me. That has to do with things I say more times than not. The way I feel and the things I say are completely different, I just feel so much anger sometimes that I make up things. If not that then I'm just severely depressed crying in a corner with a razor blade. Just because the knife didn't penetrate and the drugs didn't enter my bloodstream or get in my possession doesn't mean I'm just fine.
July 7th, 08.
Dear Tina,
I hate you. You're acting like a fucking slut. You think you have the option of which guy you'd like to be with, but none of them like you anyway enough to be with you and you really can't make someone happy. You are insulting rude and mean to people you care about and it doesn't matter how you feel because that's what you show to them. No matter what, you'll ultimately hurt them and yourself. You're just addicted to the drama and unless you can change you will definetly be alone forever with cats. Is that what you wanted? There is no prince charming that is going to save you, you need to save yourself and understand the reality of situations. You're not a dumb girl, you know what you need to do, stop acting crazy. You'll be fine. You just need to wait and in the meantime keep the same mistakes from being repeated and do the next right thing. Don't expect anything too fast. You're pretty, have a cute style, smarter than you think, you play video games and funny when you're in a good mood. You've been told all these things by friends or told you're an ideal girlfriend by boys. You just don't believe it because you're so used to hating yourself and being miserable. You don't need to feel bad about being happy, things are going to be fine, you're going to complete school this time and use your talent in art not drugs. Even though you want a boyfriend, you could have fun being alone, you don't need that validation, and you cant even decide who you want to be with anyway. Just take what you can get and take care of yourself. Learn how to be nicer. Love yourself. <3