I'm alive.
So I just realized that I've been a huge LJ lurker lately. I've been keeping up on my communities and my friends pages, but I haven't posted anything since the beginning of June. So much has happened since then.
For starters, right after my last entry, which was a rant about boys, I found one the very next day. He was a long time acquaintance, who things just sort of happened with. I found myself to not be so serious about him, but he was falling hard and fast. It became more of a burden to have him around once school started and I ended up breaking up with him right before we hit the 4 month mark.
While I was dating him, I thought what I wanted was just someone to be semi-serious about. I didn't wanna marry the guy. I just wanted someone to have plans with and to hang out with exclusively. Once I broke up with him, I now feel like I want someone to settle with, but my situation is always complicated. For instance, I started developing feelings for someone else, and I let things get a bit too far a couple times. And all he wants is to be free and have fun, while I want an exclusive special someone, even if we're not totally serious. The fact is I don't want either of us to go finding other people.
What would you call that? Friends with Benefits? I guess. I just don't want pressure to have to fall in love with anyone just because I'm dating them. Anyway, the point is, I'm just setting myself up for failure and I feel like a disaster.
I guess I don't know what I want. I know what I need to do is just focus on myself and get myself through school and through the holiday season at Best Buy. But at the same time I feel like that wouldn't be fair to myself cause it's like I'm holding myself back from a social life. I feel more adventurous and spontaneous that way. My life is interesting and worth living if I can keep myself on my toes.
...
I absolutely hate that I'm probably not going to end up using my degree once I graduate. The only reason I'm going to finish is because it's already my 5th year. I won't just give up now and let the last 4.5 years be a waste of time. I feel like I would use my Sign Language skills more in life than my psych degree. You need to have a masters in psych to get a decent job, and I don't like to research and I don't wanna be stuck in an office all day. I should have majored in ASL and minored in Psych. It would have been more resourceful. Stupid me.
So I thought about getting an interpreting license, but that would more than likely require another 2 years of school to get through that program. You CAN take the test without the classes though, but I highly doubt I would pass without the classes.
What I need to do is find some deaf friends and hang out at more events. Duh.
...
In other news, I had a funeral to go to on Monday. It was my first funeral since my Dad's mom died when I was about 7 or 8. My uncle Gary died. He was 57, and alcoholic, and basically a menace to my family. We dreaded having him over on holidays. And at first, I felt bad that I really didn't feel bad that he was gone.
But then I went to the funeral with the open casket, and saw the rest of my family all in the same room (which is a rarity, even with Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter,) and saw how everyone else was so sad. It made me sad for them too. And it finally hit home, that the worst part about life is death.
Crying at funerals is exhausting, cause you waste a lot of your energy trying to keep it inside, so finally by the time that tears escape, you can't help but let out intense sobs. And I will never forget how it was to line up and say our last goodbyes, and stand with my dad off to the side and just hug each other and listen to each other cry.
I don't see my dad much, but I don't think I would have wanted to share that experience with anyone else in the world.
I had to work that night, and I was just so emotionally drained. Luckily my coworkers are also really good friends of mine, and they helped me through the night.
...
Work is going fairly well. I've since been officially promoted, instead of just doing the job of my superior. It's been really stressful lately though, Since Adam left. I've been the acting supervisor, and I was working a good 45 hours a week when we lost Stephanie. Somehow, I pulled through the month of September. Now I have replacements for both of them, but I get to train both of them. Neat.
It's not so bad. They're catching on fairly quickly. I really hope to get a mega raise in January, when I get through the holiday season with flying colors. =)
...
Okay, so back to work. I'm at school and I have a lot of crap to get done. I feel slightly better now though.
For starters, right after my last entry, which was a rant about boys, I found one the very next day. He was a long time acquaintance, who things just sort of happened with. I found myself to not be so serious about him, but he was falling hard and fast. It became more of a burden to have him around once school started and I ended up breaking up with him right before we hit the 4 month mark.
While I was dating him, I thought what I wanted was just someone to be semi-serious about. I didn't wanna marry the guy. I just wanted someone to have plans with and to hang out with exclusively. Once I broke up with him, I now feel like I want someone to settle with, but my situation is always complicated. For instance, I started developing feelings for someone else, and I let things get a bit too far a couple times. And all he wants is to be free and have fun, while I want an exclusive special someone, even if we're not totally serious. The fact is I don't want either of us to go finding other people.
What would you call that? Friends with Benefits? I guess. I just don't want pressure to have to fall in love with anyone just because I'm dating them. Anyway, the point is, I'm just setting myself up for failure and I feel like a disaster.
I guess I don't know what I want. I know what I need to do is just focus on myself and get myself through school and through the holiday season at Best Buy. But at the same time I feel like that wouldn't be fair to myself cause it's like I'm holding myself back from a social life. I feel more adventurous and spontaneous that way. My life is interesting and worth living if I can keep myself on my toes.
...
I absolutely hate that I'm probably not going to end up using my degree once I graduate. The only reason I'm going to finish is because it's already my 5th year. I won't just give up now and let the last 4.5 years be a waste of time. I feel like I would use my Sign Language skills more in life than my psych degree. You need to have a masters in psych to get a decent job, and I don't like to research and I don't wanna be stuck in an office all day. I should have majored in ASL and minored in Psych. It would have been more resourceful. Stupid me.
So I thought about getting an interpreting license, but that would more than likely require another 2 years of school to get through that program. You CAN take the test without the classes though, but I highly doubt I would pass without the classes.
What I need to do is find some deaf friends and hang out at more events. Duh.
...
In other news, I had a funeral to go to on Monday. It was my first funeral since my Dad's mom died when I was about 7 or 8. My uncle Gary died. He was 57, and alcoholic, and basically a menace to my family. We dreaded having him over on holidays. And at first, I felt bad that I really didn't feel bad that he was gone.
But then I went to the funeral with the open casket, and saw the rest of my family all in the same room (which is a rarity, even with Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter,) and saw how everyone else was so sad. It made me sad for them too. And it finally hit home, that the worst part about life is death.
Crying at funerals is exhausting, cause you waste a lot of your energy trying to keep it inside, so finally by the time that tears escape, you can't help but let out intense sobs. And I will never forget how it was to line up and say our last goodbyes, and stand with my dad off to the side and just hug each other and listen to each other cry.
I don't see my dad much, but I don't think I would have wanted to share that experience with anyone else in the world.
I had to work that night, and I was just so emotionally drained. Luckily my coworkers are also really good friends of mine, and they helped me through the night.
...
Work is going fairly well. I've since been officially promoted, instead of just doing the job of my superior. It's been really stressful lately though, Since Adam left. I've been the acting supervisor, and I was working a good 45 hours a week when we lost Stephanie. Somehow, I pulled through the month of September. Now I have replacements for both of them, but I get to train both of them. Neat.
It's not so bad. They're catching on fairly quickly. I really hope to get a mega raise in January, when I get through the holiday season with flying colors. =)
...
Okay, so back to work. I'm at school and I have a lot of crap to get done. I feel slightly better now though.