Do I even know myself at all?
It's an open secret that I don't get along particularly well with my stepdad.
Tonight when he and Mum collected me from work, after the hellos and the thank you for picking me ups, the first thing I said was "Ohh, I'm really hungry. *realising* Ah! I still have a sandwich left from lunch!" and as I was rooting for it in my bag, Stepdad tells me not to eat it. He says this like the reason is obvious, whereas in my mind, it's going to be 60-90 minutes until dinner, it's only one sandwich, I'm actually really hungry right now... . I definitely got my feathers all ruffled.
There's almost always a massive gulf, in my opinion, between "I will be obedient, I will do what you want me to in order to keep the peace" and "I think your suggestion makes sense. Your reasoning is better than my own."
Because it wasn't even about the sandwich, not really. It was about having the autonomy to decide whether to eat the sandwich or not. This is what all our arguments are about. Having the autonomy to decide what to eat, and when. Or, having the autonomy to decide when and where to hang my washing up to dry, and when to take it down again. These kinds of things.
I know everyone thinks they're a good person, but I've genuinely never considered myself to be unreasonable. If I'm wrong I'll willingly apologise. If you have a reason for doing something differently than I do, I'll gladly listen and think about it, and if, after I've considered it, I agree with you, then I'll change. I've always thought it went without saying that if you have a suggestion for improving anything, I'll always happily hear it and I'll implement it if I think it's a good one. This is within the realm of things that are in my control, of course, and things that relate pertinently to my life in particular.
What I don't do is apologise when I don't think I'm wrong, change my practices just because someone else thinks it's a good idea (unless, by their other actions, they have proven themselves worthy of being listened to), or, perhaps most pertinently, flattering egos; at least, only when I can't seem to avoid it. And this seems to p*** people off.
At the very core of my being, my desire is to be validated. To be heard, to be listened to, to be understood... to be trusted. To have people on my team. To share my feelings and have it be thought that they were worth sharing. Not my thoughts. Thoughts come and go. Anyone can think thoughts. Only I can feel my feelings, and if they matter, therefore so do I.
When we got in, I attempted to explain myself to my sister, who was cooking a delicious roast dinner with some of the trimmings; I attempted to explain the issue of the autonomy. I wanted her to enter into my feelings, to validate me even if it didn't amount to anything ("I'm really sorry your feathers got ruffled, Katie. I can completely appreciate how that would have been annoying for you and you definitely deserved better. Unfortunately, and I know this is going to suck, but there isn't anything I can do about it... unfortunately, it isn't actually going to change anything. I'm sorry about that, I really wish it would." "No problem, thank you so very much for listening to me, I actually feel loads better just from that, and, I'm a big girl, I'll be able to suck it up; I'm so glad you're here on my team though.").
See how much this validation issue matters to me? All of the above is just preamble!
That isn't how it went down. Lucy isn't the same as I am. It often feels like we are, in fact, made of exactly the same stuff on the inside, we laugh at the same stuff, we make the same stupid/weird/funny/genius connections between stuff, we're both driven by our feelings, we're both always flying about running late looking for items, we both procrastinate. But, we're not the same. Because Lucy's driving force appears to be the desire to unite the world into one large group hug. Dissenters are told to shhh!, it's the group hug that's important. Total peacemaker.
I'm not. Validate me, and I will do my best to validate you, too; but, no group hugs from me if a group hug is flattering someone's ego or going along with the group for the sake of it like that's an end in itself. I'm not really a people-pleaser; if people like me, great. If not, they know where the door is. But, on the other hand, contrary to popular belief, I'm not generally contrary just for the sake of it either. Nobody believes me when I say this, but I'm not. At least, not most of the time. Not for the past twelve years.
So, when peacemaker meets validity-seeker, validity-seeker is seen perhaps as a dissenter, and is shhh!'d. Consequently, validity-seeker is not, um, validated, and often feels worse than ever.
It's the only thing Lucy and I argue over. And that happened tonight.
Whoops! Still on preamble!
Lucy held a mirror up to me today. She showed me that actually, I've just got a chip on my shoulder about our stepdad, and I haven't been willing to talk it through with him like a grown-up. In her opinion, my counterpoint that he hadn't made any effort to come into my inner circle or really got to know me, fell on deaf ears. I'm SO internal, sometimes, that on occasion I forget that all of these thoughts I think and feelings I feel aren't particularly obvious to everyone else... I thought it was clear that I wanted him to get to know me and that I was giving him chances to better get to know me and he was ignoring them. Not so, apparently. That was only obvious to me.
When I started thinking of how to change this, I realised, us two (me + stepdad) are never going to meet unless someone is actually willing to change. And it probably needs to be me. Honestly, I don't want to do all of the work, I want him to meet me at least halfway. But the only thing that will give us is a deeper ditch, as we're spinning our wheels where we are.
Tonight when he and Mum collected me from work, after the hellos and the thank you for picking me ups, the first thing I said was "Ohh, I'm really hungry. *realising* Ah! I still have a sandwich left from lunch!" and as I was rooting for it in my bag, Stepdad tells me not to eat it. He says this like the reason is obvious, whereas in my mind, it's going to be 60-90 minutes until dinner, it's only one sandwich, I'm actually really hungry right now... . I definitely got my feathers all ruffled.
There's almost always a massive gulf, in my opinion, between "I will be obedient, I will do what you want me to in order to keep the peace" and "I think your suggestion makes sense. Your reasoning is better than my own."
Because it wasn't even about the sandwich, not really. It was about having the autonomy to decide whether to eat the sandwich or not. This is what all our arguments are about. Having the autonomy to decide what to eat, and when. Or, having the autonomy to decide when and where to hang my washing up to dry, and when to take it down again. These kinds of things.
I know everyone thinks they're a good person, but I've genuinely never considered myself to be unreasonable. If I'm wrong I'll willingly apologise. If you have a reason for doing something differently than I do, I'll gladly listen and think about it, and if, after I've considered it, I agree with you, then I'll change. I've always thought it went without saying that if you have a suggestion for improving anything, I'll always happily hear it and I'll implement it if I think it's a good one. This is within the realm of things that are in my control, of course, and things that relate pertinently to my life in particular.
What I don't do is apologise when I don't think I'm wrong, change my practices just because someone else thinks it's a good idea (unless, by their other actions, they have proven themselves worthy of being listened to), or, perhaps most pertinently, flattering egos; at least, only when I can't seem to avoid it. And this seems to p*** people off.
At the very core of my being, my desire is to be validated. To be heard, to be listened to, to be understood... to be trusted. To have people on my team. To share my feelings and have it be thought that they were worth sharing. Not my thoughts. Thoughts come and go. Anyone can think thoughts. Only I can feel my feelings, and if they matter, therefore so do I.
When we got in, I attempted to explain myself to my sister, who was cooking a delicious roast dinner with some of the trimmings; I attempted to explain the issue of the autonomy. I wanted her to enter into my feelings, to validate me even if it didn't amount to anything ("I'm really sorry your feathers got ruffled, Katie. I can completely appreciate how that would have been annoying for you and you definitely deserved better. Unfortunately, and I know this is going to suck, but there isn't anything I can do about it... unfortunately, it isn't actually going to change anything. I'm sorry about that, I really wish it would." "No problem, thank you so very much for listening to me, I actually feel loads better just from that, and, I'm a big girl, I'll be able to suck it up; I'm so glad you're here on my team though.").
See how much this validation issue matters to me? All of the above is just preamble!
That isn't how it went down. Lucy isn't the same as I am. It often feels like we are, in fact, made of exactly the same stuff on the inside, we laugh at the same stuff, we make the same stupid/weird/funny/genius connections between stuff, we're both driven by our feelings, we're both always flying about running late looking for items, we both procrastinate. But, we're not the same. Because Lucy's driving force appears to be the desire to unite the world into one large group hug. Dissenters are told to shhh!, it's the group hug that's important. Total peacemaker.
I'm not. Validate me, and I will do my best to validate you, too; but, no group hugs from me if a group hug is flattering someone's ego or going along with the group for the sake of it like that's an end in itself. I'm not really a people-pleaser; if people like me, great. If not, they know where the door is. But, on the other hand, contrary to popular belief, I'm not generally contrary just for the sake of it either. Nobody believes me when I say this, but I'm not. At least, not most of the time. Not for the past twelve years.
So, when peacemaker meets validity-seeker, validity-seeker is seen perhaps as a dissenter, and is shhh!'d. Consequently, validity-seeker is not, um, validated, and often feels worse than ever.
It's the only thing Lucy and I argue over. And that happened tonight.
Whoops! Still on preamble!
Lucy held a mirror up to me today. She showed me that actually, I've just got a chip on my shoulder about our stepdad, and I haven't been willing to talk it through with him like a grown-up. In her opinion, my counterpoint that he hadn't made any effort to come into my inner circle or really got to know me, fell on deaf ears. I'm SO internal, sometimes, that on occasion I forget that all of these thoughts I think and feelings I feel aren't particularly obvious to everyone else... I thought it was clear that I wanted him to get to know me and that I was giving him chances to better get to know me and he was ignoring them. Not so, apparently. That was only obvious to me.
When I started thinking of how to change this, I realised, us two (me + stepdad) are never going to meet unless someone is actually willing to change. And it probably needs to be me. Honestly, I don't want to do all of the work, I want him to meet me at least halfway. But the only thing that will give us is a deeper ditch, as we're spinning our wheels where we are.