(no subject)
James is gone so I've had a lot more thinking time and alone time to kinda just chill ... I didn't really get a chance to chronical my holidays and all that jazz or really any part of my life these last few months because I've just been so busy. I really like to keep little time capsules on here on LJ, it has been really helpful for me to see my personal growth and try to understand some things ... feelings and just memories. I like to have a few detailed emotion filled accounts of my life.
So I guess we should start at the birth of Rinoa, I knew I was going to have a c-section with her so no huge surprise James went on a show a few days before she was supposed to be born so he got home like the night before. We were told to come in at midnight to the hospital here in Newport and prep ourselves for the upcoming surgery ... well The day before Benny was up throwing up and super sick ... it was just a 24 hour bug, NATURALLY James started it about 20 mins before we had to go to the hospital ... its classic him haha. Idk maybe its just nerves but ... he was throwing up haha I couldn't even drive from my house to the hospital less than a mile away before he had to get out and throw up it was that kind of thing.
So whatever we got there and got checked in and heard the news that they would not be allowing James to come into surgery with me. So ... mom came in. It wasn't too bad. I actually before going to the hospital had a very ... amazing calm over me. I got there and just rested ... making peace in my mind with the risks that come with surgery and just was sort of thankful this time I wasnt going through 30 hours of labor prior to this... I was very prepared I guess ... I walked into surgery alone and ready .. they gave me my spinal tap ... it wasn't painful at all like they warned me it might be, the surgery was fast. The moment I saw noah ... I fell in love. I mean I was absolutely ELATED to see her. Its like comparing apples to oranges but ... with benny I had gone though a really tramatic experiance my c section was a surprise I was kinda freaking out and mitch wasn't really there for me emotionally ... but I wasn't happy I was crying when I saw him not out of happiness but because I could feel them tugging and pulling ... I was so unable to enjoy it all with him. I knew as soon as I saw here we were going to be okay.
all of the months of fear, unhappyness ... shamefullness ... the shit my mom and sister said to me and the way they treated me just went down the drain. Life was going to be okay and it was like all at once I was so happy to see my beautiful baby with her head full of hair and and just felt such an amazing weight be lifted from me. I thought I couldn't possibly be any happier until ... I got back into my room and james came and saw me estactic with his gorgeous smile proud as could be soon after they rolled her in there and I SWEAR to you I have never seen anything so amazing in my life as I saw how much love james had for her. I cant even really do it justice with words. I HAVE NEVER in my life thought it was possible to see that much amazing in a moment. While yeah its wore off a little the novilty of a baby ... but I watched his world change in an instant. Its really a special ... thing to see. When you can watch a person just ... change. I can't explain it... It just astounded me it wasn't what I expected at all. Now james was fantastic during my pregnancy I knew he wanted it. I knew he wasn't going to be shitty and leave me or anything like that I mean we have been around the block before as far as relatonships go ... but I didn't realize what it meant to him and at that exact moment of change that I saw ... I also realized what I did to him. Now he did the vegas shit and NO ONE is making excuses for that but now that I look back I realize I wasn't treating him the way he deserved. He was ready to love me completely ... he was ready to have that girl that was there years ago who was stupidly in love with him ... who had no pain no loss no true hurt yet ... I wasnt ready for what he was asking for and ... really vegas isn't a surprise. Anyone would act out when they try so hard to love someone ... I have been there ... I was like that with him, you destroy yourself and loose a part of you that knows right and wrong and you bring others around you down with you. I slaughtered two innocent peoples hearts in my own pain and james was just hurting and I failed to ... realize that and well he acted out and he was doing what he was taught to do in his crappy upbringing and this is fight back and get even.
The birth of noah was just ... a whirlwind of positive energy I wanted someone who I have esentially seen grow up ... grow into a man. My heart grew 10 sizes for him that day ... and it has taken me out of anything I had bringing me down from the disaster with Mitch. Two children is a challange but god ... they fill me with so much love. Even in the stressful days especially these ones where I am alone and I am just hungry and need a shower and want to sleep ... I am so happy. This must be what ... religious people feel like when they talk about their love for their entity. I never really experianced that ... but it is ... awesome to love. TO feel so sure about something ... it brings you peace to be filled with an emotion so clean ... and good and fuzzy its fantastic.
Since she was born we have had our arguments and we will continue to have them but I have seen so much growth from james over these last few months as an adult and a lover and a father ... I think we are going to be okay. I feel confidence and sureness about us. Maybe I am just in a post baby bliss right now but ... I do I really feel good about all of this. I mean I freak out somtimes over shit like money god I could kill his dumb ass for finances but ... work in progress.
Maybe I was right those years ago to love him the way I did ... maybe not maybe next week I will find out he has another family in indiana or he goes to jail for the cocaine ring he is running but ... right now I feel like I am standing RIGHT where I need to be.
only right now where I really need to be is more snuggled up in this bed. listening to my daughter sleep and waiting to spend a day with my fantastic son who btw ... I didn't mean to not right about its just my most current change in life has been clarity. I have words on benny to but they will be another night.
So I guess we should start at the birth of Rinoa, I knew I was going to have a c-section with her so no huge surprise James went on a show a few days before she was supposed to be born so he got home like the night before. We were told to come in at midnight to the hospital here in Newport and prep ourselves for the upcoming surgery ... well The day before Benny was up throwing up and super sick ... it was just a 24 hour bug, NATURALLY James started it about 20 mins before we had to go to the hospital ... its classic him haha. Idk maybe its just nerves but ... he was throwing up haha I couldn't even drive from my house to the hospital less than a mile away before he had to get out and throw up it was that kind of thing.
So whatever we got there and got checked in and heard the news that they would not be allowing James to come into surgery with me. So ... mom came in. It wasn't too bad. I actually before going to the hospital had a very ... amazing calm over me. I got there and just rested ... making peace in my mind with the risks that come with surgery and just was sort of thankful this time I wasnt going through 30 hours of labor prior to this... I was very prepared I guess ... I walked into surgery alone and ready .. they gave me my spinal tap ... it wasn't painful at all like they warned me it might be, the surgery was fast. The moment I saw noah ... I fell in love. I mean I was absolutely ELATED to see her. Its like comparing apples to oranges but ... with benny I had gone though a really tramatic experiance my c section was a surprise I was kinda freaking out and mitch wasn't really there for me emotionally ... but I wasn't happy I was crying when I saw him not out of happiness but because I could feel them tugging and pulling ... I was so unable to enjoy it all with him. I knew as soon as I saw here we were going to be okay.
all of the months of fear, unhappyness ... shamefullness ... the shit my mom and sister said to me and the way they treated me just went down the drain. Life was going to be okay and it was like all at once I was so happy to see my beautiful baby with her head full of hair and and just felt such an amazing weight be lifted from me. I thought I couldn't possibly be any happier until ... I got back into my room and james came and saw me estactic with his gorgeous smile proud as could be soon after they rolled her in there and I SWEAR to you I have never seen anything so amazing in my life as I saw how much love james had for her. I cant even really do it justice with words. I HAVE NEVER in my life thought it was possible to see that much amazing in a moment. While yeah its wore off a little the novilty of a baby ... but I watched his world change in an instant. Its really a special ... thing to see. When you can watch a person just ... change. I can't explain it... It just astounded me it wasn't what I expected at all. Now james was fantastic during my pregnancy I knew he wanted it. I knew he wasn't going to be shitty and leave me or anything like that I mean we have been around the block before as far as relatonships go ... but I didn't realize what it meant to him and at that exact moment of change that I saw ... I also realized what I did to him. Now he did the vegas shit and NO ONE is making excuses for that but now that I look back I realize I wasn't treating him the way he deserved. He was ready to love me completely ... he was ready to have that girl that was there years ago who was stupidly in love with him ... who had no pain no loss no true hurt yet ... I wasnt ready for what he was asking for and ... really vegas isn't a surprise. Anyone would act out when they try so hard to love someone ... I have been there ... I was like that with him, you destroy yourself and loose a part of you that knows right and wrong and you bring others around you down with you. I slaughtered two innocent peoples hearts in my own pain and james was just hurting and I failed to ... realize that and well he acted out and he was doing what he was taught to do in his crappy upbringing and this is fight back and get even.
The birth of noah was just ... a whirlwind of positive energy I wanted someone who I have esentially seen grow up ... grow into a man. My heart grew 10 sizes for him that day ... and it has taken me out of anything I had bringing me down from the disaster with Mitch. Two children is a challange but god ... they fill me with so much love. Even in the stressful days especially these ones where I am alone and I am just hungry and need a shower and want to sleep ... I am so happy. This must be what ... religious people feel like when they talk about their love for their entity. I never really experianced that ... but it is ... awesome to love. TO feel so sure about something ... it brings you peace to be filled with an emotion so clean ... and good and fuzzy its fantastic.
Since she was born we have had our arguments and we will continue to have them but I have seen so much growth from james over these last few months as an adult and a lover and a father ... I think we are going to be okay. I feel confidence and sureness about us. Maybe I am just in a post baby bliss right now but ... I do I really feel good about all of this. I mean I freak out somtimes over shit like money god I could kill his dumb ass for finances but ... work in progress.
Maybe I was right those years ago to love him the way I did ... maybe not maybe next week I will find out he has another family in indiana or he goes to jail for the cocaine ring he is running but ... right now I feel like I am standing RIGHT where I need to be.
only right now where I really need to be is more snuggled up in this bed. listening to my daughter sleep and waiting to spend a day with my fantastic son who btw ... I didn't mean to not right about its just my most current change in life has been clarity. I have words on benny to but they will be another night.