I wish you were here...
Dear Grandpa,
I don’t really know how to start this out, so I’m just going to start out by saying I miss you...and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I missed the 5th. I’m sorry that it and you didn’t cross my mind. I’ve been trying so hard to keep myself busy...so it didn’t hurt so much. I miss you more than you will ever know...more than anyone will ever know. So much has changed. I have 4 tattoos now. There is one on my ankle...I got it on the 29th, it’s a rose and it has your initials. I got onto the Dean’s List at WCCC; I pulled a 4.0 in my college chemistry class. There is a boy in my life now, his name is Tony, and I think you would like him. I wish you were still here; I could really use someone to say, “get your shit in gear or I’ll put my boot up your ass!” I think that this summer is going to be the hardest one yet. Having Grandma here and not you, I miss coming home and seeing the RV in the side driveway. I miss seeing you sitting outside and Gimli being all excited to “go see Grandpa.” I know we were never really close. I’m sorry for that too. Remember when I got off the bus in like 3rd or 4th grade carrying that big book and you looked at me and asked what I was reading...and I just smiled and replied “E.” that is one of my favorite memories. And I know it is one of your proudest moments of me, Grandma has told me that you have told everyone about it. I just want to make you proud.
I know I have asked this question to myself so many times, and I have asked Mom too. But why Grandpa...why did you have to do it. I know that you didn’t want to go through the chemo again, and I know you didn’t want to hurt anymore, and I know that you think it was for the best. But damnit, it hurts. I didn’t get to say goodbye, that wasn’t fair. I know you feel that it was what was right for you. And I know you didn’t think of the pain you would leave behind. But it hurts so much. Is it ok that I feel abandoned? That in a sense I hate you for it?
I miss you, more than you know. I wish you were still here. I have a song that reminds me of you; it’s called “Waiting for Monday” by Common 3rd. I’ll never forget being woke up at 6 in the morning by my father telling me that I need to get out of bed because I need to drive my mom to the airport. I’ll never forget asking her how you died, her telling me and me feeling helpless and just bawling my eyes out. In some way I feel like it could have been my fault, I know it’s not. But to think that only a few months before I was suicidal and then having you take your own life just kills me. I still think about suicide at times, but knowing how hurt everyone was I could never do it. It’s you keeping me alive.
Why Grandpa? Why?
I love you, with all my heart. And I know you are still with me in a sense. But it’s not the same, I want to see you. I need to say goodbye...and I can’t. I hope that where ever you are you are happy. I’m trying Grandpa, I really am.
Everlasting Love,
Your Granddaughter
I don’t really know how to start this out, so I’m just going to start out by saying I miss you...and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I missed the 5th. I’m sorry that it and you didn’t cross my mind. I’ve been trying so hard to keep myself busy...so it didn’t hurt so much. I miss you more than you will ever know...more than anyone will ever know. So much has changed. I have 4 tattoos now. There is one on my ankle...I got it on the 29th, it’s a rose and it has your initials. I got onto the Dean’s List at WCCC; I pulled a 4.0 in my college chemistry class. There is a boy in my life now, his name is Tony, and I think you would like him. I wish you were still here; I could really use someone to say, “get your shit in gear or I’ll put my boot up your ass!” I think that this summer is going to be the hardest one yet. Having Grandma here and not you, I miss coming home and seeing the RV in the side driveway. I miss seeing you sitting outside and Gimli being all excited to “go see Grandpa.” I know we were never really close. I’m sorry for that too. Remember when I got off the bus in like 3rd or 4th grade carrying that big book and you looked at me and asked what I was reading...and I just smiled and replied “E.” that is one of my favorite memories. And I know it is one of your proudest moments of me, Grandma has told me that you have told everyone about it. I just want to make you proud.
I know I have asked this question to myself so many times, and I have asked Mom too. But why Grandpa...why did you have to do it. I know that you didn’t want to go through the chemo again, and I know you didn’t want to hurt anymore, and I know that you think it was for the best. But damnit, it hurts. I didn’t get to say goodbye, that wasn’t fair. I know you feel that it was what was right for you. And I know you didn’t think of the pain you would leave behind. But it hurts so much. Is it ok that I feel abandoned? That in a sense I hate you for it?
I miss you, more than you know. I wish you were still here. I have a song that reminds me of you; it’s called “Waiting for Monday” by Common 3rd. I’ll never forget being woke up at 6 in the morning by my father telling me that I need to get out of bed because I need to drive my mom to the airport. I’ll never forget asking her how you died, her telling me and me feeling helpless and just bawling my eyes out. In some way I feel like it could have been my fault, I know it’s not. But to think that only a few months before I was suicidal and then having you take your own life just kills me. I still think about suicide at times, but knowing how hurt everyone was I could never do it. It’s you keeping me alive.
Why Grandpa? Why?
I love you, with all my heart. And I know you are still with me in a sense. But it’s not the same, I want to see you. I need to say goodbye...and I can’t. I hope that where ever you are you are happy. I’m trying Grandpa, I really am.
Everlasting Love,
Your Granddaughter