(no subject)
Gah... brain... What to think? What to say aye? *shrug*...
Gah today was really fucking awesome. Some confusion..ness... But all was pretty cool. But everything reminded me of Joe today... I can't even explain how much I miss that kid. I was really stoned today, and everywhere I looked I just thought of him... Hehe... He didn't diserve his end, and he didn't diserve what caused his end. Life is so god damn unfair. And I know, "lifes not fair" But what the fuck ever, I can still bitch about it... I just want one more e-mail from him, one more IM. Thats it. I rarely even get on AIM anymore just because its sooo sad to not see him on. Even though he was thousands of miles away, he was there for me for everything. Eccept now. Why does everything have to hurt. I dont want to be hurt, or get hurt anymore. Is that really too much to ask. Why do people have to fuck you over? Its just not cool. I cant escape any of this fucking pain, I really cant, Im so trapped. I wish someone just knew... And thats what I think I hold so highly with Angela. She knows my stories, and she knew me, or she did, but mostly she does, and if anything, thats what I want so badly from anyone, to be understood. For someone to hear me out, like them. But I dont even get two seconds, Im suficating. And its not even from everyone else, Im suficating myself, because Im cutting myself off. Im blocking everyone off. I just want it to go away, I want every fucking time all that shit happened to have never existed. Because its too much. I want to smile and enjoy life, I want that serton someone back in my life. And I dont even know who they are, just that one that knew you, that really cared, that loved you no matter how many times you fucked up, that told you that one day it would get better, that gave you dreams. And more importantly that one that you always where there for, that when they wanted someone it was you. That cryed on your shoulder because they knew they could for days and that, that shoulder would never move. The one that told you their deepest secrets. The one that you held their dreams for, the one that you held up when they couldn't walk alone. I want someone, and I was never into this life for the half fast bang bang boom. I want something real. Something that matters. Something worth tears, and something worth life.
I dont want fake friends, or family, or "lovers". I want someone, anyone out of my family. But the truth be it. I really have no family, and its pathetic, but so true. I want my father to love me, and my mother, brother, sister... And for them not to disapear anymore. I want the past "history" with them to just be a false dream, that it never happened, and that they loved me, and never took any sort of my beauty, or pride away. But the fact is, Ill never wake from this dream, and I have to realise, and eccept that maybe, I will always be alone. I dont want fake friends, that you put everything into, and then they just turn you in for a lable, or girlfriend. Im so sick of being pushed aside for whatever anyone wants, thats why I block people off, because I know its always going to be this way. No fucking more. I dont care, Ill be some closed off, cold hearted bitch, I dont need anything... OR ANYONE!... But the truth is, I really do. I dont want to be nothing to no-one anymore... If that makes any sence, I dont want people to believe what they did was o-fucking-k. Because it wasn't. All you god damn basterds hurt me, and thats all it ever fucking is, is heart break. What the fuck did I ever do to you? Hug you when you cried, thretened the people who hurt your soul. I would have given it all. All to every single one of you? And for what. This fucking kick in the ass. Where because of my family, I know street smarts left and right? Because I slept at my drug dealers house more then in my own bed. where it was "safe"... What kind of word is that, Ive never been safe for one fucking day... eccept maybe when i was in Angelas arms. And fuck her too. After everything I told her, and the only thing I asked, was never to hit me, because of all I had been threw. And what does she do... No fuck that... What... !!! Seriously what the fuck... I just want to know why. I just want to know that maybe someday all this fighting hasn't been for nothing... And thats the bottom line... I don't want to keep fighting, and keep at this war, if everyday bring nothing more. I want to know what Im doing will get me some remorce in the end. That all Ive been threw, and taken, and that Im even now fighting harder than ever against was for nothing. Or should I just kill myself now, because Im sick of this god damn life. And Im not just talking about some heart break from some Gf. There is so much fucking more. And I want to know if I make threw this, will there be anything at the end. I hate this life, and I know that seems so emo, but I really do. But the one thing I do get is the good out of life. I cant appreciate life more than anyone would ever dream, that a good day goes down in the books forever. And I hold them in my heart when I fight the cold hard nights. Is this even making sence anymore? And no, Im sober as a fucking raisin. Sucked fucking dry. I just want answeres, and I dont want to be closed off like this everyday. I want to be free, and understood. But most importantly... Is there any reason to even keep going... Im seriously, my life is a roller coaster that the peaks are all at the same level. And that isnt even good enough... Is there any perpose? Because it seems like nothing is even real anymore. I hate this cutting, drugs, tears, and pain. Im losing my god damn mind. Give me something! Im GOING FUCKING INSANE!
Gah today was really fucking awesome. Some confusion..ness... But all was pretty cool. But everything reminded me of Joe today... I can't even explain how much I miss that kid. I was really stoned today, and everywhere I looked I just thought of him... Hehe... He didn't diserve his end, and he didn't diserve what caused his end. Life is so god damn unfair. And I know, "lifes not fair" But what the fuck ever, I can still bitch about it... I just want one more e-mail from him, one more IM. Thats it. I rarely even get on AIM anymore just because its sooo sad to not see him on. Even though he was thousands of miles away, he was there for me for everything. Eccept now. Why does everything have to hurt. I dont want to be hurt, or get hurt anymore. Is that really too much to ask. Why do people have to fuck you over? Its just not cool. I cant escape any of this fucking pain, I really cant, Im so trapped. I wish someone just knew... And thats what I think I hold so highly with Angela. She knows my stories, and she knew me, or she did, but mostly she does, and if anything, thats what I want so badly from anyone, to be understood. For someone to hear me out, like them. But I dont even get two seconds, Im suficating. And its not even from everyone else, Im suficating myself, because Im cutting myself off. Im blocking everyone off. I just want it to go away, I want every fucking time all that shit happened to have never existed. Because its too much. I want to smile and enjoy life, I want that serton someone back in my life. And I dont even know who they are, just that one that knew you, that really cared, that loved you no matter how many times you fucked up, that told you that one day it would get better, that gave you dreams. And more importantly that one that you always where there for, that when they wanted someone it was you. That cryed on your shoulder because they knew they could for days and that, that shoulder would never move. The one that told you their deepest secrets. The one that you held their dreams for, the one that you held up when they couldn't walk alone. I want someone, and I was never into this life for the half fast bang bang boom. I want something real. Something that matters. Something worth tears, and something worth life.
I dont want fake friends, or family, or "lovers". I want someone, anyone out of my family. But the truth be it. I really have no family, and its pathetic, but so true. I want my father to love me, and my mother, brother, sister... And for them not to disapear anymore. I want the past "history" with them to just be a false dream, that it never happened, and that they loved me, and never took any sort of my beauty, or pride away. But the fact is, Ill never wake from this dream, and I have to realise, and eccept that maybe, I will always be alone. I dont want fake friends, that you put everything into, and then they just turn you in for a lable, or girlfriend. Im so sick of being pushed aside for whatever anyone wants, thats why I block people off, because I know its always going to be this way. No fucking more. I dont care, Ill be some closed off, cold hearted bitch, I dont need anything... OR ANYONE!... But the truth is, I really do. I dont want to be nothing to no-one anymore... If that makes any sence, I dont want people to believe what they did was o-fucking-k. Because it wasn't. All you god damn basterds hurt me, and thats all it ever fucking is, is heart break. What the fuck did I ever do to you? Hug you when you cried, thretened the people who hurt your soul. I would have given it all. All to every single one of you? And for what. This fucking kick in the ass. Where because of my family, I know street smarts left and right? Because I slept at my drug dealers house more then in my own bed. where it was "safe"... What kind of word is that, Ive never been safe for one fucking day... eccept maybe when i was in Angelas arms. And fuck her too. After everything I told her, and the only thing I asked, was never to hit me, because of all I had been threw. And what does she do... No fuck that... What... !!! Seriously what the fuck... I just want to know why. I just want to know that maybe someday all this fighting hasn't been for nothing... And thats the bottom line... I don't want to keep fighting, and keep at this war, if everyday bring nothing more. I want to know what Im doing will get me some remorce in the end. That all Ive been threw, and taken, and that Im even now fighting harder than ever against was for nothing. Or should I just kill myself now, because Im sick of this god damn life. And Im not just talking about some heart break from some Gf. There is so much fucking more. And I want to know if I make threw this, will there be anything at the end. I hate this life, and I know that seems so emo, but I really do. But the one thing I do get is the good out of life. I cant appreciate life more than anyone would ever dream, that a good day goes down in the books forever. And I hold them in my heart when I fight the cold hard nights. Is this even making sence anymore? And no, Im sober as a fucking raisin. Sucked fucking dry. I just want answeres, and I dont want to be closed off like this everyday. I want to be free, and understood. But most importantly... Is there any reason to even keep going... Im seriously, my life is a roller coaster that the peaks are all at the same level. And that isnt even good enough... Is there any perpose? Because it seems like nothing is even real anymore. I hate this cutting, drugs, tears, and pain. Im losing my god damn mind. Give me something! Im GOING FUCKING INSANE!