"openess"---- Long post//
Herm... I dont even know what to put down here... I love livejournal... Because I can talk about so much shit, and I know that no-one is really going to read it... Esp Ang... Ive been thinking about her alot lately... Well we're are hanging out alot and stuff... Ive come to the reality check that Im a bitch... I mean, I held the one night at the Frontier to her way too much... But I have to admit... I was so hurt by her... I never thought she would everrrr hit me. I mean after everything I told her, and how much she knew about me... I just was like damn... I dont think I have cried sober in like 3 years, and I ran to the the bathroom, and was shaking and crying... But I realise... She is the only person that gets me... So many times, I feel so misunderstood. And I am.. And I just realised how much she understands. How real I am to her... And how for once I wont be just that person to her, but something for always. And my deepest desire is just love. I know that sounds so fucking corny... But its true... I mean with my my family. Love isnt a word I really know. So I desire it so much... And I guess thats what I have always been after... Maybe if I was great to the world, and loved all of it, I would get it back. Maybe if I showed the ones love that needed it the most, that I would get it back... But I guess thats not how it works... And the funny thing is... Im writting this... And Im not even one amount sad. I know so much more these days... And if I wasnt given this life, I would never have appreciated everyone, and everything no matter how small as much as I do. I still take things for granted, but I always relise it. And I never stop loving. And I never will... Some times I go so fucking numb, I feel like I wont even feel love. But even still, I can always love, even if Im the numbest I have ever been. I dont really know where this is going. I guess Im kind of in an "open" happppy mood... Or just calm. I dont think I have been calm in so long. Everything is just driving me strait of the edge. But I dont even care for people to understand. Because (as emo as this is) No one will ever know what its like to be me. They will always know how it is to be them. But asking for understanding of me, is asking the impossible, that maybe Ang has 25% acomplished. Well... I guess its not even that... I guess I could just rant to someone, about the horrible shit in my life, that I would have to know that people would keep a secret. I just dont know who that is these days... Its really wierd. It feels like Ive lost so many people in my life. I really miss Lauren. She cashed me in like everyone else... Just for a girl friend... And thats always the story. And haha, for once. I thought I had something good in my family, my cousin Emily... Nope... She just did the same fucking thing... And Im just not even mad anymore... I guess we all grow up... Alot of us just dont know how to do it without fucking ppl over... You know growing up, isnt making and losing friends. You only lose friends because you stop caring. Ppl that say different are just jerks, that are too involved in there own lives. I guess I get too hung up on friends. I really do... But I just got to let people go. If they dont care. Then I need to stop fighting it. And no, its not "If they dont care, why should I" Because Ill ALWAYS care. And always be there. For anyone. If its a fucking hobo on the street that is just like "hey, can I talk to you" Id say fuck yes dude... And I have even done that... Im not trying to make myself look good. Im just trying to find in myself the good, because it gets old only thinking your crap. And yeah.. thats what I grew up to know. But I know its not true anymore... Life is too short to hate it... Life hurts, but Im just going to keep going. Ill fall... Just like everyone else... But Im not afraid to do so anymore, because I realise Im good enough to lean on someone every once in a while. Everyone is good enough. My hole life is a roller coaster, its working hard, winning... And then getting slapped in the face, and just losing it all... And this war that Ive fought from day one never gets easier... well it does... If you can smile atleast some... And thats what life is for... To feel joy, and to finally win your battles. Forever I let my family, and all the people that hurt me controle me. But you know what... I forgive them. Because Im not a bitter person, and I dont want to be... And to forgive them after what they did to me... Is the best thing I could ever do, for them, and myself... I dont want to die anymore. I just want things to balance out... And I just want peace. Im sick of being on the edge every second. Sick of getting drunk, and just doing stuipid shit to kill myself. Im sick of giving up. Im sick of being hurt, Im sick of not being loved. Im sick of getting hit. Im sick of being a piece of shit, Im sick of never being good enough, Im sick of never being understood, Im sick of drinking, Im sick of crying, Im sick of eating disorders, Im sick of pain, Im sick of cutting, AND Im so sick of being locked up. I cant say that I will ever let anyone close to me ever again. I just dont know if I could take the heart break. But Ill still try. Try to be loved, try to be understood, try to win this war. I guess. I just feel like Im fighting this all alone, and thats the hard part, and not just because "No one is there" I just dont let anyone there... Here.. for me... But thats how its always been. I guess I cant win that way anymore... And I never have won that way... I push ppl away... And it gets old... Ask Ang. She's played tug-a-war forever with me... I just dont know how to let ppl in... Would they believe me? Would they care? Are they going to fuck me over again? Will they laugh? Or would they just not be able to be there? I just dont know...