Dear Abby is on my side!
I just had to comment on this Dear Abby column:
"DEAR ABBY: Twice now, I have inquired about the beautiful accents of strangers. One was a cashier and the other was a bank employee. Both seemed embarrassed and unwilling to reveal their country of origin.
Was this attempt to show personal interest actually a tactless invasion? Is there a rule of etiquette on this subject? I never meant to put anyone on the spot. -- SEAN IN AFTON, VA."
Abby replies:
"DEAR SEAN: Some people are sensitive about revealing their background because of the circumstances that brought them to this country -- war, poverty, torture, loss of family members. Although your question was well meant, it is better to let time pass, let them get to know you, and get to know them before venturing into such personal territory. If they want you to have the information, they will volunteer it. It should not be necessary to ask."
Finally, a highly esteemed etiquette expert has declared it is not OK to ask about people's accents!
I should probably clip this column (too bad I can't cut pixels out of a computer screen) and carry it with me and show it to people when they ask me about my accent. And they do. At least once a week. (Well, actually less nowadays. Apparently over the years I structured my life in such a way as to avoid, as much as possible, situations where someone might ask me about it.)
On good days, such questions merely amuse me, as an evidence that humankind is so incapable of original thinking. Did none of those people realize that pretty much any new person I meet asks me where my accent is from? Did they think they came up with a very insightful question? On bad days, it would bring on gloomier thoughts, such as that I am not seen as a normal, multifaceted human being, but only as "that girl with an accent". That I am wearing it like a giant wart on my face, and will never be seen as anything other than a walking wart.
Of course, compared with other intrusive, or "labeling" questions that strangers ask, this is very benign. Surely it is better to be asked about your country of origin than to field such questions and comments as "is this your real child?" and "you don't look disabled". Of course, the most generous, high-spirited response would be to educate the asker -- about adoption, disability, or, in my case, about geography and linguistics. But the fact is, I've noticed over the years that most people don't want to be educated on such topics. Even if you tell them where your accent is from, they have no intention of remembering. They could not care less about geography. They were not going to spend even one brain cycle on it. They just asked it because it crossed their mind momentarily. Because they have nothing to do for the next second or two. Because they must wait for the cash register to print out the receipt, and while it's happening, their mind is vacant, and they can't tolerate a second of unfilled silence. In such situations I really don't feel obligated to answer this question.
And to all those who think it is up to the foreigner to learn to speak accentless English, I say: try to learn a foreign language as an adult, and see if you will ever able to sound like a native speaker. I give 99.99% you won't be able to. No matter how well you know that language. Fluency has nothing to do with having an accent. (Only if you came to a foreign country as a young child will you be able to avoid developing an accent.) I thought Renee Zellweger did a good job sounding British in "Bridget Jones Diary", but Steve, who grew up in Scotland, said he could tell she wasn't a native British English speaker.
"DEAR ABBY: Twice now, I have inquired about the beautiful accents of strangers. One was a cashier and the other was a bank employee. Both seemed embarrassed and unwilling to reveal their country of origin.
Was this attempt to show personal interest actually a tactless invasion? Is there a rule of etiquette on this subject? I never meant to put anyone on the spot. -- SEAN IN AFTON, VA."
Abby replies:
"DEAR SEAN: Some people are sensitive about revealing their background because of the circumstances that brought them to this country -- war, poverty, torture, loss of family members. Although your question was well meant, it is better to let time pass, let them get to know you, and get to know them before venturing into such personal territory. If they want you to have the information, they will volunteer it. It should not be necessary to ask."
Finally, a highly esteemed etiquette expert has declared it is not OK to ask about people's accents!
I should probably clip this column (too bad I can't cut pixels out of a computer screen) and carry it with me and show it to people when they ask me about my accent. And they do. At least once a week. (Well, actually less nowadays. Apparently over the years I structured my life in such a way as to avoid, as much as possible, situations where someone might ask me about it.)
On good days, such questions merely amuse me, as an evidence that humankind is so incapable of original thinking. Did none of those people realize that pretty much any new person I meet asks me where my accent is from? Did they think they came up with a very insightful question? On bad days, it would bring on gloomier thoughts, such as that I am not seen as a normal, multifaceted human being, but only as "that girl with an accent". That I am wearing it like a giant wart on my face, and will never be seen as anything other than a walking wart.
Of course, compared with other intrusive, or "labeling" questions that strangers ask, this is very benign. Surely it is better to be asked about your country of origin than to field such questions and comments as "is this your real child?" and "you don't look disabled". Of course, the most generous, high-spirited response would be to educate the asker -- about adoption, disability, or, in my case, about geography and linguistics. But the fact is, I've noticed over the years that most people don't want to be educated on such topics. Even if you tell them where your accent is from, they have no intention of remembering. They could not care less about geography. They were not going to spend even one brain cycle on it. They just asked it because it crossed their mind momentarily. Because they have nothing to do for the next second or two. Because they must wait for the cash register to print out the receipt, and while it's happening, their mind is vacant, and they can't tolerate a second of unfilled silence. In such situations I really don't feel obligated to answer this question.
And to all those who think it is up to the foreigner to learn to speak accentless English, I say: try to learn a foreign language as an adult, and see if you will ever able to sound like a native speaker. I give 99.99% you won't be able to. No matter how well you know that language. Fluency has nothing to do with having an accent. (Only if you came to a foreign country as a young child will you be able to avoid developing an accent.) I thought Renee Zellweger did a good job sounding British in "Bridget Jones Diary", but Steve, who grew up in Scotland, said he could tell she wasn't a native British English speaker.