sometimes...
You crush my self esteem and you don't even know it. Porn is one thing... but having profiles on hot or not and other similar "dating" sites... that just hits like a brick.
Cody used Hot or Not. He told me it was nothing, just harmless internet stuff. Bull. He was corresponding with different girls over the internet, telling them he was single, receiving dirty pictures from them. I'm sorry, but that seems like a form of cheating to me. If it's not cheating, it sure as hell still isn't right.
I'm shaking right now. I get this shake every time I feel extremely hurt and nervous. I feel like if I bring it up in a conversation though, that he'll say something like "quit looking at my shit." And blow it off and make something my fault.. I was just looking at the history and couldn't help but notice the "hot or not" and "singles.net" links and a million girls screen name's photos. THAT KILLS ME INSIDE.
God, I feel like he's screaming "You're fat and ugly and you don't do it for me anymore." Then break up with me, don't go looking for it somewhere else. Thats the first step in cheating.
I just feel so horrible right now. I'm going to the gym tomorrow, and you can bet I'm going to stop eating now. Okay, not completely stop eating but I'm going to try and do something. I've tried to be happy with the way I look, but it's hard when the person you love most makes you feel like the ugliest person in the world.
Almost six months in... and it's still a one-sided love. I wish I had the strength to let him go... but I don't. I don't want to let him go at all, no matter how shitty he makes me feel sometimes. I hate love. And love seems to hate me as well.
I'm probably going to cry myself to sleep tonight. This sucks. I wish I were stronger. I guess all I can do is keep trying to be what he wants. Although sometimes I don't know what that is. I try to keep him happy. I don't know what else to do. Cook and clean more? Get skinny? Pay for more stuff? I've been trying really hard lately to pay for anything I can. But I can't. He makes so much more money than I do, I'm broke. But I'll keep doing it... cuz Lord knows I just want that kid happy.
If he's happier without me, then so be it. He can tell me that, and it'll make me want to die, but if in the long run I know he is happier... than it will be worth it. I love him so much.
Cody used Hot or Not. He told me it was nothing, just harmless internet stuff. Bull. He was corresponding with different girls over the internet, telling them he was single, receiving dirty pictures from them. I'm sorry, but that seems like a form of cheating to me. If it's not cheating, it sure as hell still isn't right.
I'm shaking right now. I get this shake every time I feel extremely hurt and nervous. I feel like if I bring it up in a conversation though, that he'll say something like "quit looking at my shit." And blow it off and make something my fault.. I was just looking at the history and couldn't help but notice the "hot or not" and "singles.net" links and a million girls screen name's photos. THAT KILLS ME INSIDE.
God, I feel like he's screaming "You're fat and ugly and you don't do it for me anymore." Then break up with me, don't go looking for it somewhere else. Thats the first step in cheating.
I just feel so horrible right now. I'm going to the gym tomorrow, and you can bet I'm going to stop eating now. Okay, not completely stop eating but I'm going to try and do something. I've tried to be happy with the way I look, but it's hard when the person you love most makes you feel like the ugliest person in the world.
Almost six months in... and it's still a one-sided love. I wish I had the strength to let him go... but I don't. I don't want to let him go at all, no matter how shitty he makes me feel sometimes. I hate love. And love seems to hate me as well.
I'm probably going to cry myself to sleep tonight. This sucks. I wish I were stronger. I guess all I can do is keep trying to be what he wants. Although sometimes I don't know what that is. I try to keep him happy. I don't know what else to do. Cook and clean more? Get skinny? Pay for more stuff? I've been trying really hard lately to pay for anything I can. But I can't. He makes so much more money than I do, I'm broke. But I'll keep doing it... cuz Lord knows I just want that kid happy.
If he's happier without me, then so be it. He can tell me that, and it'll make me want to die, but if in the long run I know he is happier... than it will be worth it. I love him so much.