(no subject)
Is it confidence I need? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't...I always think to myself why I never had any luck with relationships...or even friends. Maybe it's because of low interest...knowing that my heart is fucking emptied of love...and I know it will be brought to a negative if I attempt to try and regain the high hopes and spirit that I had when I was younger. Why must I treat myself like a lesser being, like a pile of shit that have been kicked around for days. Why must I be so eager to find my harmful motavations? It's like I am posessed by a demon that is tormenting my every action. I don't try and solve my emotional problems...but, just merely go along with them. Because hey, doesn't the saying "If you can't beat 'em, then join 'em" mean anything? Or was it just thought up by a mindless retard wanting to be heard? I always wonder, but never dream...I always wait, but never is there a day where hope passes through my mind. I listen to other people tell me about how they hate their life...but, they have no reason to hate. They just make up some bullshit like "my dad didn't lend me a measly $20"...but, like I was told since I was young, "Hate is a powerful word"..and it's true. But, if I could find a word more powerful than hate, I'd use it against myself. I wonder if I will ever become happy again...because I am having trouble even imagining myself smile, and mean it. The same routine everyday, the same bullshit dealt with everyday, the same mindless pricks I have to listen to everyday. Somedays, I think that this world would be so much better without me present. And honestly, the only thing that brings about the hesitation and resistance, is Josh. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here. Because I know I wouldn't even have a mere possiblity of surviving in this lifetime without him. I don't know how he'd feel if I did take that path because I have no power of reading thoughts. I always told Noelle, I lived for her...as does almost every couple. But, not only was it her, but Josh also. Now without Noelle, my interest in life has been decreased by half. I wasn't too happy before and I have thought of suicide, but now my contemplations of suicide have doubled, if you do the math. And knowing myself, I can stick this life out for a few more years...as long as I have Josh by my side.