in which James takes over, and saves, the world.
This morning I suddenly realised how to make the world right, from now on, everyone listen to me.
Seriously, I'm taking over, I haven't got an army to enforce my will upon the world, er, so you're all just going to have to go along with this, but it's for your own good, trust me. In time you will see my wisdom is as wise as my wit is witty. -And I think we can all agree that my wit is as witty as my ego is humble, and everyone knows I'm the most humble person in the history of the universe, yes, no one is more humble than me, nor could anyone ever hope to be! So, we're off to a grand start.
That said, my first decree is no more wars, I won't have any more, sorry, I know it's a big industry, one of the biggest, but the war makers can find other things to do, basket weaving perhaps, you could sell them on Etsy. more than half the world's population is female, females love baskets so there must be a huge demand. I've known women to collect them for no understandable reason, so it's not like we only need one per customer, and even if we did, that's still going to be, what? er, over 3 billion baskets, so get weaving people!
Incidentally I think that's the one thing that separates men from women, even gay men don't understand what baskets are for, I was working in a gay man's house, fixing a broken hand rail, and he had some fairly gay decor, sculptures and paintings that would make Elton John blush, but I realised, there were no baskets at all. None. that's when I realised that's what separates men from women. Baskets. if you see a tissue box in a house, it's either a house where a woman lives, married or not, or pooves. Men who live alone or with other men, if they're straight, do not have tissue boxes around, gay men might, but again, even they, do not have baskets.
well back to my benevolent dictatorship, right, so no more wars, they're destructive and wasteful, and if it's a big war, someone could be hurt.
other ideas: everyone will recycle. even the tin foil from hershey's kisses. you can throw away the little paper ribbon tho, it's waxed paper, not recycleable. Here in Boston, we have single stream recycling, I'm not sure how that is supposed to work, but people still put non-recycleable things in the blue barrel, though it's been made as easy and simple as possible for them, even native English speakers, apparently cannot read the instructions on the bin, they're lazy and irresponsible.
In Germany they put glass of different colour in different bins and no one minds, every new building has solar panels on the roof. imagine if every new building everywhere had a solar panel.
don't worry I'm not going to be micromanaging every detail of everyone's lives, for one thing I really don't have time, for another, if everyone did everything exactly the way I do, they'd buy up all the food and things I like, and I'd have a hard time getting them. I can't have shortages of carob powder and purple things.
other things we need to do:
stop making new nuclear power plants, did you learn nothing from Japan? no more GMOs, even rat's won't eat that shite.
no executive should earn more than 100 times as much as the lowest paid employee of their company. I know that will upset some people, but you can't please everyone. I'd like to, but it's more realistic to try to please as many people as possible isn't it? and since most people are not fantastically wealthy, if one wants to please as many people as possible, one must target the less wealthy, they being the overwhelming majority. so professional sports, I think we need a salary cap, does anyone really need to earn over say, 5 million dollars a year? you work one year at that rate you can retire, and still own several properties, and leave your children a generous inheritance. anything over that I think you should donate to school teachers, for example, firefighters, doctors, yes I know you think they're already overpaid, some are, but wages for doctors are way down, malpractice insurance rates are sky high and we don't have enough people going into medicine because it doesn't pay as well as as it once did. And teachers do one of the most important jobs in the world, if teaching paid better we'd attract more people to the field.
policemen, you don't have to hang around construction sites any more. perhaps if you're too old to chase a purse thief, you could be there if we need someone to direct traffic, otherwise seriously, what's the point, enough of that. no one is going to steal an orange cone, (people are naturally afraid to touch them), or make off with a crane when someone's back is turned.
all parking meters will be deactivated. we can leave them there initially as a reminder of the past, and how much better it is now that no one has to pay to park, or risk getting a ticket. why should we pay to park? absurd.
traffic lights will have motion sensors connected up to them so that if you approach a red light, a small simple computer scans around, seeing no one coming the other way at an intersection, gives you a green light so you don't sit there wasting time and fuel. this technology exists now, omg.
next time I'll cure all known diseases including right wing talk radio.
Seriously, I'm taking over, I haven't got an army to enforce my will upon the world, er, so you're all just going to have to go along with this, but it's for your own good, trust me. In time you will see my wisdom is as wise as my wit is witty. -And I think we can all agree that my wit is as witty as my ego is humble, and everyone knows I'm the most humble person in the history of the universe, yes, no one is more humble than me, nor could anyone ever hope to be! So, we're off to a grand start.
That said, my first decree is no more wars, I won't have any more, sorry, I know it's a big industry, one of the biggest, but the war makers can find other things to do, basket weaving perhaps, you could sell them on Etsy. more than half the world's population is female, females love baskets so there must be a huge demand. I've known women to collect them for no understandable reason, so it's not like we only need one per customer, and even if we did, that's still going to be, what? er, over 3 billion baskets, so get weaving people!
Incidentally I think that's the one thing that separates men from women, even gay men don't understand what baskets are for, I was working in a gay man's house, fixing a broken hand rail, and he had some fairly gay decor, sculptures and paintings that would make Elton John blush, but I realised, there were no baskets at all. None. that's when I realised that's what separates men from women. Baskets. if you see a tissue box in a house, it's either a house where a woman lives, married or not, or pooves. Men who live alone or with other men, if they're straight, do not have tissue boxes around, gay men might, but again, even they, do not have baskets.
well back to my benevolent dictatorship, right, so no more wars, they're destructive and wasteful, and if it's a big war, someone could be hurt.
other ideas: everyone will recycle. even the tin foil from hershey's kisses. you can throw away the little paper ribbon tho, it's waxed paper, not recycleable. Here in Boston, we have single stream recycling, I'm not sure how that is supposed to work, but people still put non-recycleable things in the blue barrel, though it's been made as easy and simple as possible for them, even native English speakers, apparently cannot read the instructions on the bin, they're lazy and irresponsible.
In Germany they put glass of different colour in different bins and no one minds, every new building has solar panels on the roof. imagine if every new building everywhere had a solar panel.
don't worry I'm not going to be micromanaging every detail of everyone's lives, for one thing I really don't have time, for another, if everyone did everything exactly the way I do, they'd buy up all the food and things I like, and I'd have a hard time getting them. I can't have shortages of carob powder and purple things.
other things we need to do:
stop making new nuclear power plants, did you learn nothing from Japan? no more GMOs, even rat's won't eat that shite.
no executive should earn more than 100 times as much as the lowest paid employee of their company. I know that will upset some people, but you can't please everyone. I'd like to, but it's more realistic to try to please as many people as possible isn't it? and since most people are not fantastically wealthy, if one wants to please as many people as possible, one must target the less wealthy, they being the overwhelming majority. so professional sports, I think we need a salary cap, does anyone really need to earn over say, 5 million dollars a year? you work one year at that rate you can retire, and still own several properties, and leave your children a generous inheritance. anything over that I think you should donate to school teachers, for example, firefighters, doctors, yes I know you think they're already overpaid, some are, but wages for doctors are way down, malpractice insurance rates are sky high and we don't have enough people going into medicine because it doesn't pay as well as as it once did. And teachers do one of the most important jobs in the world, if teaching paid better we'd attract more people to the field.
policemen, you don't have to hang around construction sites any more. perhaps if you're too old to chase a purse thief, you could be there if we need someone to direct traffic, otherwise seriously, what's the point, enough of that. no one is going to steal an orange cone, (people are naturally afraid to touch them), or make off with a crane when someone's back is turned.
all parking meters will be deactivated. we can leave them there initially as a reminder of the past, and how much better it is now that no one has to pay to park, or risk getting a ticket. why should we pay to park? absurd.
traffic lights will have motion sensors connected up to them so that if you approach a red light, a small simple computer scans around, seeing no one coming the other way at an intersection, gives you a green light so you don't sit there wasting time and fuel. this technology exists now, omg.
next time I'll cure all known diseases including right wing talk radio.