Defeat in Wisconsin
I returned from Wisconsin with a very heavy heart yesterday, because after two years of grassroots campaigning that grew into one of the most well-organized political machines I've seen, the marriage amendment passed in Wisconsin.
I went there last week with some other ACLU people to help them in the run-up to the election. We all had the privilege of getting to know Ray, one of the advocates for the campaign. There's an article about him and his partner Richard here:
http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=479291
In brief, Richard and Ray met fifty years ago, and were a loving and committed couple until Richard passed away three months ago. Richard was a Navy man during World War II, where he saw some heavy combat. But despite his service to the country, he had to end his life begging the government not to make him into a permanently second-class citizen. He and Ray were together for 49 years before they told the world about their relationship, when they were moved to do so by the upcoming constitutional amendment. Their minister married them in the hospital where Richard was dying of cancer. He passed away before he could see the bigotry of the Wisconsin voters in the poll numbers on Tuesday.
Some of us stayed with Ray and he constantly had the rest of us over for breakfasts, dinners and nightcaps while we were there. He was fighting before Richard passed away, and fought even harder afterwards. The night we were defeated we all gathered in the apartment he had shared with Richard. He invited us to sleep over, saying we could even stay in his bed - he can't sleep there any more now that Richard is gone. He hadn't cried the whole evening. We sat around and shared "coming out" stories. When it was his turn he told us about how he'd been with Richard for 48 years before he came out. Then he started to cry. We all started to cry. After all that work we still lost by 18 percentage points.
Ray called himself part of the "silent generation," as if the time of silence has passed. But as the young folks in the room told their coming out stories, it was clear that the current generation is also being beaten into silence by their parents and teachers. One young woman told us about the horrible night her mother found out she was a lesbian. She had started a gay-straight alliance at her high school and ran it for two years while keeping it secret from her mother. Then her little sister came to the school and the secret got out. Her mother screamed at her for "collaborating with the sinners" and told her over and over that gays were evil and would go to hell so she shouldn't be their ally. She kept on thinking that if her mother knew she was actually saying these things about her own daughter she'd stop. But instead of relenting when her daughter admitted to being a lesbian, her mother threw all of her things out her second-floor bedroom window and permanently cut her from her life. She's currently a freshman at Wellesley, thanks to a scholarship created specifically to help LGBT youth with stories like hers. LGBT culture is certainly more visible now than it was when Ray was 18, but does that really mean that LGBT youth can stop being silent?
Ray told us that the critical mis-step the campaign took was removing the focus from same-sex couples and instead using the message "a no vote means no gay marriage." The poster couple was an older straight couple who had lived together for years and would be affected by the part of the amendment touching on domestic partner benefits. Richard and Ray, who have one of the most beautiful love stories I've ever heard, appeared nowhere in the literature speaking out against the amendment.
I have to believe that if everybody in the state had seen Ray speak, the amendment would have been defeated in a landslide. No religious person could possibly believe that he and Richard didn't deserve all the protections straight couples have. No "yes" voter could possibly think that they are protecting marriage by denying the validity of Richard and Ray's love.
I went there last week with some other ACLU people to help them in the run-up to the election. We all had the privilege of getting to know Ray, one of the advocates for the campaign. There's an article about him and his partner Richard here:
http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=479291
In brief, Richard and Ray met fifty years ago, and were a loving and committed couple until Richard passed away three months ago. Richard was a Navy man during World War II, where he saw some heavy combat. But despite his service to the country, he had to end his life begging the government not to make him into a permanently second-class citizen. He and Ray were together for 49 years before they told the world about their relationship, when they were moved to do so by the upcoming constitutional amendment. Their minister married them in the hospital where Richard was dying of cancer. He passed away before he could see the bigotry of the Wisconsin voters in the poll numbers on Tuesday.
Some of us stayed with Ray and he constantly had the rest of us over for breakfasts, dinners and nightcaps while we were there. He was fighting before Richard passed away, and fought even harder afterwards. The night we were defeated we all gathered in the apartment he had shared with Richard. He invited us to sleep over, saying we could even stay in his bed - he can't sleep there any more now that Richard is gone. He hadn't cried the whole evening. We sat around and shared "coming out" stories. When it was his turn he told us about how he'd been with Richard for 48 years before he came out. Then he started to cry. We all started to cry. After all that work we still lost by 18 percentage points.
Ray called himself part of the "silent generation," as if the time of silence has passed. But as the young folks in the room told their coming out stories, it was clear that the current generation is also being beaten into silence by their parents and teachers. One young woman told us about the horrible night her mother found out she was a lesbian. She had started a gay-straight alliance at her high school and ran it for two years while keeping it secret from her mother. Then her little sister came to the school and the secret got out. Her mother screamed at her for "collaborating with the sinners" and told her over and over that gays were evil and would go to hell so she shouldn't be their ally. She kept on thinking that if her mother knew she was actually saying these things about her own daughter she'd stop. But instead of relenting when her daughter admitted to being a lesbian, her mother threw all of her things out her second-floor bedroom window and permanently cut her from her life. She's currently a freshman at Wellesley, thanks to a scholarship created specifically to help LGBT youth with stories like hers. LGBT culture is certainly more visible now than it was when Ray was 18, but does that really mean that LGBT youth can stop being silent?
Ray told us that the critical mis-step the campaign took was removing the focus from same-sex couples and instead using the message "a no vote means no gay marriage." The poster couple was an older straight couple who had lived together for years and would be affected by the part of the amendment touching on domestic partner benefits. Richard and Ray, who have one of the most beautiful love stories I've ever heard, appeared nowhere in the literature speaking out against the amendment.
I have to believe that if everybody in the state had seen Ray speak, the amendment would have been defeated in a landslide. No religious person could possibly believe that he and Richard didn't deserve all the protections straight couples have. No "yes" voter could possibly think that they are protecting marriage by denying the validity of Richard and Ray's love.