a somber day indeed
i feel so sick... i was really hungry this morning, then the feeling turned into nauseatedness.... all intertwined. and i was thirsty, and water didn't help, and only made me feel worse. we went out to lunch for john louie's bday and i ate, but still felt really gross. i seriously didn't want to be there. i tried in the beginning to look like i was enjoying myself, but after a while i was just so sick and tired of the same conversations, tired of the stuff that's already known. and just plain sick and tired.
i wanted to talk to him today, but no real opportunity opened up to do so. then i had to give the louie's a ride home so we couldn't do it afterward, and i was just frustrated and it made it worse. i seriously hate this act that i'm putting on, saying that i'm fine when i'm not. i AM fine with the situation, just not fine about the past. which is the worst thing to do, i know. Then i feel like he's going to talk about it with other people and i haate that even more... made me feel worse. i really just feel like crying. really hard to let it all out. i feel like a tea kettle sitting on a hot stove ready to burst but the hole is blocked and not letting anything out. a feww trickled tears here and there, but not what i really want to do.
this is the worst feeling. feeling sick because i'm so nervous. you don't understand how much i just want everything to be normal. and i really don't knoow what normal will be like. i seriously don't. cause normal before was not what it will be like. i feel like our whole friendship started with the wwrong motives and i want to start over. but we don't get redos... that's the crazy thing about life. we just have to learn from our misstakese and move on.... try to make the best of the situations at hand, using what we've learned from our mistakes, hoping with all our might that we won't do it again.
i suck.... i did it to myself. it's all self inflicted. no one told me to feel the way that i did, act the way that i did, talk the way that i did. i did it all on my own, with preconcieved notions that everything would work out, thtough in the back of my mind i knew it wouldn't. but i seriously didn't think that i'd feel this bad after it all. and it's getting over him, it's getting over everthing i did... i'm so embarrassed you don't understand. i don't think anyone will. the people i talk to about it say i shouldn't feel embarrassed.... but i do, andd i don't think that's something they understnd. i feel like such a jerk. mostly to God, but also to him and he people around me... myself. i hate it. i really do.....
kill me now.
so i know that this sounds really depressing. i am freaking out... i really am. but it's nothing you should be worried about. i love you all.
i wanted to talk to him today, but no real opportunity opened up to do so. then i had to give the louie's a ride home so we couldn't do it afterward, and i was just frustrated and it made it worse. i seriously hate this act that i'm putting on, saying that i'm fine when i'm not. i AM fine with the situation, just not fine about the past. which is the worst thing to do, i know. Then i feel like he's going to talk about it with other people and i haate that even more... made me feel worse. i really just feel like crying. really hard to let it all out. i feel like a tea kettle sitting on a hot stove ready to burst but the hole is blocked and not letting anything out. a feww trickled tears here and there, but not what i really want to do.
this is the worst feeling. feeling sick because i'm so nervous. you don't understand how much i just want everything to be normal. and i really don't knoow what normal will be like. i seriously don't. cause normal before was not what it will be like. i feel like our whole friendship started with the wwrong motives and i want to start over. but we don't get redos... that's the crazy thing about life. we just have to learn from our misstakese and move on.... try to make the best of the situations at hand, using what we've learned from our mistakes, hoping with all our might that we won't do it again.
i suck.... i did it to myself. it's all self inflicted. no one told me to feel the way that i did, act the way that i did, talk the way that i did. i did it all on my own, with preconcieved notions that everything would work out, thtough in the back of my mind i knew it wouldn't. but i seriously didn't think that i'd feel this bad after it all. and it's getting over him, it's getting over everthing i did... i'm so embarrassed you don't understand. i don't think anyone will. the people i talk to about it say i shouldn't feel embarrassed.... but i do, andd i don't think that's something they understnd. i feel like such a jerk. mostly to God, but also to him and he people around me... myself. i hate it. i really do.....
kill me now.
so i know that this sounds really depressing. i am freaking out... i really am. but it's nothing you should be worried about. i love you all.