(no subject)
well its been a while...been busy, my grades are: A, A, A-, A, A, A- blah blah i cant believe i have an A- in math.. Musta been that C on the final.
So swimming is officially over, i competed in leagues but i didnt get districts. Oh well i sorta didnt want to so i can get back to tennis. On tennis, im gonna get better...have to beat some people..yep.
So yes, it's almost been a year now. February 17. And it still hurts. It will hurt for as long as i live. And i wish i could talk to him.
A year without my brother, a constant companion really gave me a new insight on life. Regardless of the fights we have, the disagreements, he was my brother. The one person i could tell everything to and not feel like i was wierd about it. I talked to him about that stuff more than my parents. A lot more. But i guess talking to "him", the small alter with his ashes in his old bedroom does relieve some stress. But not nearly anything like really talking to him.
So i know ive been hard on some, especially Adrian, about talking about my brother. And i'm eternally greatful that he understands why. But perhaps ill explain. Truth is, that one of the things i hate is people talking about my brother falsely. No one truly knew my brother, not even me and my parents. He was still talking to me about finding himself and what he was when he died. And ill bet only my immediate family knows what cancer he had, what chances he had, and even himself. He turned at some point to Christianity. And hell, if you know that you might die, you would turn to some unknown entity as well. At that point, i only saw religion as maybe something that could give me and my family some peace. Well it didn't save him. And yes that is why im not religious. Don't get me wrong, i wont slam on religion, but I don't believe it either. Yes, and I don't like hearing about my brother's death. Or what when where whatever could happen if he didnt die. I get enough of that from my parents. I never ever want to know what its like to lose a child of mine. My parents are stronger than i thought. But hearing about some guy or girl just talking about him brings back memories, and the 3 days i spent with him before he died in the hospital. Not pleasant. I just wanna deal with this myself.
Sure, i might sound bitter and mean, but feeling a dark, miserable hole inside me every time i see anything of him, or anything that reminds me of him makes me a bit annoyed when i see guys talk false, praise or not, about my brother. And no i dont care anything about my brother needed by god cuz call me provincial, narrow-minded, but i really dont care about that. He's dead and he's not coming back. And no pastor or enlightened person can bring him back. I still havent even cried bout this ever since i left the hospital. It's probably still there, just waiting to come back. And maybe I'll crack someday.
Until then, i'm going to rely on my parents, friends, and sports. Looking back and remembering my brother is both warm and nice, because i remember i had one of the greatest people ever to be my brother, but it rises bitterness. A lot of it.
Then maybe i can stare up at the stars and know that he's found peace.
So swimming is officially over, i competed in leagues but i didnt get districts. Oh well i sorta didnt want to so i can get back to tennis. On tennis, im gonna get better...have to beat some people..yep.
So yes, it's almost been a year now. February 17. And it still hurts. It will hurt for as long as i live. And i wish i could talk to him.
A year without my brother, a constant companion really gave me a new insight on life. Regardless of the fights we have, the disagreements, he was my brother. The one person i could tell everything to and not feel like i was wierd about it. I talked to him about that stuff more than my parents. A lot more. But i guess talking to "him", the small alter with his ashes in his old bedroom does relieve some stress. But not nearly anything like really talking to him.
So i know ive been hard on some, especially Adrian, about talking about my brother. And i'm eternally greatful that he understands why. But perhaps ill explain. Truth is, that one of the things i hate is people talking about my brother falsely. No one truly knew my brother, not even me and my parents. He was still talking to me about finding himself and what he was when he died. And ill bet only my immediate family knows what cancer he had, what chances he had, and even himself. He turned at some point to Christianity. And hell, if you know that you might die, you would turn to some unknown entity as well. At that point, i only saw religion as maybe something that could give me and my family some peace. Well it didn't save him. And yes that is why im not religious. Don't get me wrong, i wont slam on religion, but I don't believe it either. Yes, and I don't like hearing about my brother's death. Or what when where whatever could happen if he didnt die. I get enough of that from my parents. I never ever want to know what its like to lose a child of mine. My parents are stronger than i thought. But hearing about some guy or girl just talking about him brings back memories, and the 3 days i spent with him before he died in the hospital. Not pleasant. I just wanna deal with this myself.
Sure, i might sound bitter and mean, but feeling a dark, miserable hole inside me every time i see anything of him, or anything that reminds me of him makes me a bit annoyed when i see guys talk false, praise or not, about my brother. And no i dont care anything about my brother needed by god cuz call me provincial, narrow-minded, but i really dont care about that. He's dead and he's not coming back. And no pastor or enlightened person can bring him back. I still havent even cried bout this ever since i left the hospital. It's probably still there, just waiting to come back. And maybe I'll crack someday.
Until then, i'm going to rely on my parents, friends, and sports. Looking back and remembering my brother is both warm and nice, because i remember i had one of the greatest people ever to be my brother, but it rises bitterness. A lot of it.
Then maybe i can stare up at the stars and know that he's found peace.