.
At times like right now, where the unrelenting loneliness is stiffling and im crying myself to sleep, I really struggle to find the true answer to "why am I even alive?"
I am replaceable. Another staff can take my place. The ex will find someone new and the bf.. well. I even question if he wants me in his life anymore. Really, the only one who needs me is the cat... and i suppose the ex could take him in for a little until he can pawn him off on someone else.
I dont have children. I dont own a home. The person i yearn to be with is so unavailable I am pretty sure all communication will cease the moment I cant take it anymore and stop reaching out. If i say anything to him about how I feel, I fear I will justify the exs accusation that I am needlessly melodramatic and selfish.
I also did tell the Swede I wasnt bringing it up again.
Im in a lose lose situation. I dont want to be here anymore. It is getting to the pointthat I seriously question why I even fight anymore.
I am serious.
Why? Why do I even care anymore? It would be best if ijust cease to be. Lose myself in a place where i will never be found and a funeral is not necessary. I dont even kniw why I even want to keep the promise I made myself that Id end it the day after my most happy of days.
I mean, lets face it. I havent had much joy in life. What I have enjoyed was precious and fleeting. Holding on to the hope thst one day all my dreams would come true if i bust my ass hard enough is a waste of time.
All i know is that if i do this right now, today, I will cause irreparable damage two the two men I have loved with every fiber of my being.
Then again.
Do they even care anyway? Like. Legitimately care? Or i suppose thats my fault anyway. Ive been so pathetic and such a loser that i have allowed myself to be worthless.
I am replaceable. Another staff can take my place. The ex will find someone new and the bf.. well. I even question if he wants me in his life anymore. Really, the only one who needs me is the cat... and i suppose the ex could take him in for a little until he can pawn him off on someone else.
I dont have children. I dont own a home. The person i yearn to be with is so unavailable I am pretty sure all communication will cease the moment I cant take it anymore and stop reaching out. If i say anything to him about how I feel, I fear I will justify the exs accusation that I am needlessly melodramatic and selfish.
I also did tell the Swede I wasnt bringing it up again.
Im in a lose lose situation. I dont want to be here anymore. It is getting to the pointthat I seriously question why I even fight anymore.
I am serious.
Why? Why do I even care anymore? It would be best if ijust cease to be. Lose myself in a place where i will never be found and a funeral is not necessary. I dont even kniw why I even want to keep the promise I made myself that Id end it the day after my most happy of days.
I mean, lets face it. I havent had much joy in life. What I have enjoyed was precious and fleeting. Holding on to the hope thst one day all my dreams would come true if i bust my ass hard enough is a waste of time.
All i know is that if i do this right now, today, I will cause irreparable damage two the two men I have loved with every fiber of my being.
Then again.
Do they even care anyway? Like. Legitimately care? Or i suppose thats my fault anyway. Ive been so pathetic and such a loser that i have allowed myself to be worthless.