Well, well, well.. we meet again
Yeah, recently things have been pretty weird/crappy/great/confusing/frustrating, really all depending on where I am and what I'm doing. Ok lets start with the frustration. so yeah, if you didn't happen to know, I went to sick kids a little while ago to get assessed for ADD, I went back in recently and found out that not only do I have ADD, but more so that that I have anxiety levels that are waaaaay too high. Ok, I know that you're all going WHAT!?!?! Steve? He's usually the mostest laidback person I know. Well you were wrong! Ok that was weird, I mean ok so was I, I thought that I was laidback too, and I was trying very hard to be that way, I mean I used to be, before the anxiety got so extremely bad. Well, what I guess I'm trying to say is that I've been hiding it, and that I run away from from the things that make me anxious, i.e. schoolwork, so that I don't have to deal, I escape, the problem is that I can't escape forever, and thats the big problem right now. So you must be thinking what everyone does, why don't I just try harder? Well I wish it were that simple... you see this anxiety is so huge that I can't even complete anything that causes it, i.e. homework, I mean its not like I don't try, I sit there and push myself as hard as I can to just think straight, to make the letters make sense, but I mostly can't. So what does this mean for me? Well one of two things, I either get on a schedule... (which I have been trying to do with no success at all, just more stress) or I go on to some sort of drug to get rid of the anxiety so that I can think enough to do the work that I need to do. So yeah... theres that, if I didn't make much sense or you have any questions, just ask, I don't mind talking about it. (Can you tell?) Ok on to confusing and weird, ok, my Mom has been both a total nutcase, like being really really mean to me, or has been really really nice, like nothing ever happened. I really don't get it, and I'd prefer to just have a constant, this waffling is really starting to annoy/confuse/scare me. I just don't know what to do, it goes along with more of the crazy anxiety stuff I'm dealing with, I mean its probably really hard for you to get how that could cause me anxiety, but its really bad. Ok, theres lots o crappy, that has to do with the stress, anxiety and mom, but also with the school, and the pneumonia. Ok yeah we'll start with the sick and move to he school, so yeah, I got the lung disease last week, at least that was when I was diagnosed... I had to go to the walk-in clinic on my own (well with danielle, but she was going, so I went along, just for kicks, well not kicks, but you get the drift, just to make sure I was sick.) So I was told that I was sick, and then went home, where I was told that I should still go to my swim meet the next day... cause if I didn't I'd let the whole team down... you know guilt trippy things like that. So I went, and almost died, but did pretty good in my races, (considering I only had one lung to use.) And came back home and fell into a waking coma over the next 4 days.
Ok gotta go do some christmas shoppins, I'll be back later to finish this post... don't worry, it'll still be gigantinormous!
Ok back, yeah... what was I talking about, oh yeah being sick.... its not fun, coughing and all that jazz. So I missed a couple of days of school, and am now even more behind on stuff than I was, but alas, it gets worse, as I can't even catch up. Why you ask? Well I'll tell you, because my math class is huge, and out of the 30 people that are in the class 6 are guys, and the rest are annoying yappy yippy, bitchy cranky nattering, buzzing, droning witches. I want to rip my ears off when I'm in that class, ans the teacher condones it cause he likes listening to them or something. I got so mad at this noise and crap that I wrote a poem about it,
Social Robots
Incessant droning
chatter
machine, buzzing
mathematical hopelessness
factoring in pain,
and distraction
selfish girls,
their noise
beating
the numbers
into chaos,
cased in the latest
plastic fads
they cannot be
obsolete,
original or
independent,
preparing themselves
for their ends
to rust
alone in
suburbia,
Perfectly crafted
to their maker's
needs, they
compute taxes,
their main
objective,
to pay,
fuel political
fires, feed
their makers,
die and be
remade
a new model
for a new
generation,
still the
machines rule
commanding the
mindless millions
implanted with
nothing,
but
weakness,
dependence
and consumerism
the free minds
are few,
drowning in a
sea of clones,
clawing
to the
surface,
being beaten
down, sinking
we can't breathe.
You'll notice the blunt nature of this poem, I wanted to be more forceful, and it is clear that there was anger in me when I wrote this one, still, I hope that it leaves you with some sort of impression (whatever it may be... that the great thing about art/literature.) On a lighter note, things have been going great with Danielle and I, we went christmas shopping today, and I got pretty much all of it done. We've been spending quite a bit of time together, and I realize that I haven't spent as much time with everyone else, I mean you all can understand why I would want to spend most of my time with Danielle, she makes me so happy, but I still feel bad about not seeing the rest of you as much, I hope to remedy that over the break, hopefully a bunch of us can get together. I hope all of you are having a great break (or leading up to break) and that everything in your lives is well. I think that I'm pretty much done for now, but hopefully you'll all get a chance to read this, as I don't really frequently post journals, I just sum everything up in a couple of big ones every so often. I'm lazy, what can I say.
-Steve
Ok gotta go do some christmas shoppins, I'll be back later to finish this post... don't worry, it'll still be gigantinormous!
Ok back, yeah... what was I talking about, oh yeah being sick.... its not fun, coughing and all that jazz. So I missed a couple of days of school, and am now even more behind on stuff than I was, but alas, it gets worse, as I can't even catch up. Why you ask? Well I'll tell you, because my math class is huge, and out of the 30 people that are in the class 6 are guys, and the rest are annoying yappy yippy, bitchy cranky nattering, buzzing, droning witches. I want to rip my ears off when I'm in that class, ans the teacher condones it cause he likes listening to them or something. I got so mad at this noise and crap that I wrote a poem about it,
Social Robots
Incessant droning
chatter
machine, buzzing
mathematical hopelessness
factoring in pain,
and distraction
selfish girls,
their noise
beating
the numbers
into chaos,
cased in the latest
plastic fads
they cannot be
obsolete,
original or
independent,
preparing themselves
for their ends
to rust
alone in
suburbia,
Perfectly crafted
to their maker's
needs, they
compute taxes,
their main
objective,
to pay,
fuel political
fires, feed
their makers,
die and be
remade
a new model
for a new
generation,
still the
machines rule
commanding the
mindless millions
implanted with
nothing,
but
weakness,
dependence
and consumerism
the free minds
are few,
drowning in a
sea of clones,
clawing
to the
surface,
being beaten
down, sinking
we can't breathe.
You'll notice the blunt nature of this poem, I wanted to be more forceful, and it is clear that there was anger in me when I wrote this one, still, I hope that it leaves you with some sort of impression (whatever it may be... that the great thing about art/literature.) On a lighter note, things have been going great with Danielle and I, we went christmas shopping today, and I got pretty much all of it done. We've been spending quite a bit of time together, and I realize that I haven't spent as much time with everyone else, I mean you all can understand why I would want to spend most of my time with Danielle, she makes me so happy, but I still feel bad about not seeing the rest of you as much, I hope to remedy that over the break, hopefully a bunch of us can get together. I hope all of you are having a great break (or leading up to break) and that everything in your lives is well. I think that I'm pretty much done for now, but hopefully you'll all get a chance to read this, as I don't really frequently post journals, I just sum everything up in a couple of big ones every so often. I'm lazy, what can I say.
-Steve