(no subject)
I'm really fucking hurt.. like SO FUCKING HURT.
FUCK. I'm anxious. My stomach feels like it has a hole in it. I'm pissed off. I'm upset. what the fuck.
I don't know what to do.
Matt is my everything.. he really is. I love him so fucking much, it kills me.. litterally. I feel like I'm dying when I'm with him and when I'm not, it's the same fucking thing.. misery. But at least when I'm with him, I have someone to sleep next to and laugh with and do fun shit with and forget about my misery those times that things are amazing.
There's always that 1 person in your life, I feel like..
It's that one person that you have so much passion for.. so much love.. that one person that just makes you turn into a psycho when they piss you off so much.. because it hurts so bad. and you just can't believe it. you act completely out of character and turn into a crazy person because you just want so badly for things to go right, and it drives you crazy when it doesn't.
Tiffany said to me once "i've never been in love." i said "you were with mark for over a year! you weren't in love??"
and she said something like "whenever i see you and matt together, i realize how much i never was in love. you guys go crazy over each other. you act crazy. you care so much that it just makes you crazy.. i've never felt that."
and i think she's right.
matthew and i are absolute poison for each other. we only care and think about each other when we're together. time stops.. well.. it keeps going, but we don't pay any attention. responsibilities don't matter. nothing else fucking matters when we're together. i have so much love and passion for him that it completely destroys me and everything around me because i put my everything and my all into him. and it's not good. it's not right.
i'm 22 years old.. twenty fucking two. i've been through hell and back the last almost 4 years because of this man that has my heart.. and i'm addicted to the high that i feel when i'm around him. how could i ever feel that for someone else?
is there ever a balance in being truely, madly, deeply in love? am i just fucked up in the head?
i see facebook updates from jessica pursell (hatchet). she's happily married. and they don't seem dysfunctional at all.. is it just me? but then couples like jason and david make me feel like we're the norm because they do the same shit. jason and i have the same story. i know exactly how jason feels when it comes to david because they are the psycho crazy lovers that matt and i are.
who can be happy all the time? am i just immature? .. i think that honestly might be the case. i need to grow up.. but matt needs to learn how to just be there.. all the time.
who does that? like honestly.. who leaves their girlfriend when she's crying and says she needs you? i don't fucking understand it. that's what hurts me. that's what made me decide that i couldn't do it anymore. i can't be with someone that could leave me in that state. i just don't get it. how could he? how could ANYONE? it doesn't make sense. does he not have a heart? does he not care about me enough to stay? i just don't understand.
its all my fault. matt has fucked up so many times.. but i push him to fuck up. i'm difficult and stubborn and a total bitch. i'm selfish..
but i wasn't like this before. once i moved out to tampa, i started just feeling like i need to fend for myself. i need to think about myself and put myself first. i've put matt before me for almost 4 years.. it's my turn now.
i've changed so much as a person and it's all because of matt. when i first met him, i was insecure. i now have confidence because of him. when we were together before, i just gave and gave and gave.. and now i think about myself and take and take and take. i give when necessary, but for the most part.. i feel like i'm entitled.
i'm so fucked up in the head. i really am.. i don't know if therapy would fix it. i don't know if i need to be prescribed medicine or what.. but i'm completely damaged. i have trust issues like a motherfucker and i feel like everyone will leave me. i feel like i'm on my own. i feel like i have no true friends and i'm just.. alone. i feel like no one likes me.. and i'm insecure. i need constant attention because i'm afraid that once they focus on something else, they'll forget about me or move on to something else. i cry often when i'm alone just because.
and i try so fucking hard to tell myself that i'm cool and i like myself and i'm this and that and everything that i want to be.. and yeah, i've started to believe a lot of it because if you say something so many times.. you'll start to believe it. but it's still there. my insecurities still poke fun at me underneath my confident front and i just want them to go away.
and matt is everything i want.. other than the fact that he can't deal with me when i'm upset sometimes. and he says mean things and doesn't know when to shut up.. oh yeah.. he also just left me when i was crying and said i needed him. but that's besides the point.
he's got the sense of humour i like. he listens to amazing music. we connect so well in all the areas that are important to me. and the sex is incredible. it always has been. we're so in sync with each other in the bedroom, it's mindblowing every time. ugh.. i miss him
but it's done. it's over. we're broken.
my heart has been torn out, stomped on, smashed, and lit on fire. it's gone. i can't take it anymore.. and the little piece of me that i have left is begging me to stop hurting myself.. because that's what i do every time i go back to matt. i make myself miserable.
but it's whatever now. i just gotta hurt now and go through the pain. i need to be by myself and figure out who i am and who i want to be. and it's been hard doing that with matthew always there trying to mold me into what he wants.
i'll be fine.. i promise.. i'm hurting now.. but i'll bounce back.
i just wish it didn't hurt so bad right now.
FUCK. I'm anxious. My stomach feels like it has a hole in it. I'm pissed off. I'm upset. what the fuck.
I don't know what to do.
Matt is my everything.. he really is. I love him so fucking much, it kills me.. litterally. I feel like I'm dying when I'm with him and when I'm not, it's the same fucking thing.. misery. But at least when I'm with him, I have someone to sleep next to and laugh with and do fun shit with and forget about my misery those times that things are amazing.
There's always that 1 person in your life, I feel like..
It's that one person that you have so much passion for.. so much love.. that one person that just makes you turn into a psycho when they piss you off so much.. because it hurts so bad. and you just can't believe it. you act completely out of character and turn into a crazy person because you just want so badly for things to go right, and it drives you crazy when it doesn't.
Tiffany said to me once "i've never been in love." i said "you were with mark for over a year! you weren't in love??"
and she said something like "whenever i see you and matt together, i realize how much i never was in love. you guys go crazy over each other. you act crazy. you care so much that it just makes you crazy.. i've never felt that."
and i think she's right.
matthew and i are absolute poison for each other. we only care and think about each other when we're together. time stops.. well.. it keeps going, but we don't pay any attention. responsibilities don't matter. nothing else fucking matters when we're together. i have so much love and passion for him that it completely destroys me and everything around me because i put my everything and my all into him. and it's not good. it's not right.
i'm 22 years old.. twenty fucking two. i've been through hell and back the last almost 4 years because of this man that has my heart.. and i'm addicted to the high that i feel when i'm around him. how could i ever feel that for someone else?
is there ever a balance in being truely, madly, deeply in love? am i just fucked up in the head?
i see facebook updates from jessica pursell (hatchet). she's happily married. and they don't seem dysfunctional at all.. is it just me? but then couples like jason and david make me feel like we're the norm because they do the same shit. jason and i have the same story. i know exactly how jason feels when it comes to david because they are the psycho crazy lovers that matt and i are.
who can be happy all the time? am i just immature? .. i think that honestly might be the case. i need to grow up.. but matt needs to learn how to just be there.. all the time.
who does that? like honestly.. who leaves their girlfriend when she's crying and says she needs you? i don't fucking understand it. that's what hurts me. that's what made me decide that i couldn't do it anymore. i can't be with someone that could leave me in that state. i just don't get it. how could he? how could ANYONE? it doesn't make sense. does he not have a heart? does he not care about me enough to stay? i just don't understand.
its all my fault. matt has fucked up so many times.. but i push him to fuck up. i'm difficult and stubborn and a total bitch. i'm selfish..
but i wasn't like this before. once i moved out to tampa, i started just feeling like i need to fend for myself. i need to think about myself and put myself first. i've put matt before me for almost 4 years.. it's my turn now.
i've changed so much as a person and it's all because of matt. when i first met him, i was insecure. i now have confidence because of him. when we were together before, i just gave and gave and gave.. and now i think about myself and take and take and take. i give when necessary, but for the most part.. i feel like i'm entitled.
i'm so fucked up in the head. i really am.. i don't know if therapy would fix it. i don't know if i need to be prescribed medicine or what.. but i'm completely damaged. i have trust issues like a motherfucker and i feel like everyone will leave me. i feel like i'm on my own. i feel like i have no true friends and i'm just.. alone. i feel like no one likes me.. and i'm insecure. i need constant attention because i'm afraid that once they focus on something else, they'll forget about me or move on to something else. i cry often when i'm alone just because.
and i try so fucking hard to tell myself that i'm cool and i like myself and i'm this and that and everything that i want to be.. and yeah, i've started to believe a lot of it because if you say something so many times.. you'll start to believe it. but it's still there. my insecurities still poke fun at me underneath my confident front and i just want them to go away.
and matt is everything i want.. other than the fact that he can't deal with me when i'm upset sometimes. and he says mean things and doesn't know when to shut up.. oh yeah.. he also just left me when i was crying and said i needed him. but that's besides the point.
he's got the sense of humour i like. he listens to amazing music. we connect so well in all the areas that are important to me. and the sex is incredible. it always has been. we're so in sync with each other in the bedroom, it's mindblowing every time. ugh.. i miss him
but it's done. it's over. we're broken.
my heart has been torn out, stomped on, smashed, and lit on fire. it's gone. i can't take it anymore.. and the little piece of me that i have left is begging me to stop hurting myself.. because that's what i do every time i go back to matt. i make myself miserable.
but it's whatever now. i just gotta hurt now and go through the pain. i need to be by myself and figure out who i am and who i want to be. and it's been hard doing that with matthew always there trying to mold me into what he wants.
i'll be fine.. i promise.. i'm hurting now.. but i'll bounce back.
i just wish it didn't hurt so bad right now.