(no subject)
The Notebook makes so much sense to me.
This movie was kind of like the movie I lost my virginity to.. to adam, which is really weird... but it's so perfect for so many situations with matthew.
Everytime i think really hard about matthew and i, my only conclusion is that i'm fucking stupid and crazy for staying with him and being with him for however long. he's not good for me.. at all.
so why am i still here almost 3 years later? why do i feel so stuck?
i love matthew. i'm so fucking in love with him. i'm absolutely infatuated like ridiculous. and it's so fucking unhealthy and i know this. i litterally don't know what to do with myself when he's not around. i did absolutely NOTHING today. and although i normally do nothing.. i'm always content because matthew's there doing nothing with me.
Sometimes I think that I'm just really used to matt. Sometimes i think that i really don't like him that much, i'm just like always expecting him to be around.
But then again, Matthew and I spend 24/7 with each other. he's been in south carolina for 1 week now. i'm so persistant in making sure i answer my phone and that i'm alwways free and around to take his calls. what is up with that? and i genuinely miss him. i can't fucking get a good nights sleep without him there. and whenever he calls, we talk and talk.. and i'm always just happy to hear from him.
i miss him so fucking much, it's ridiculous. god. what is wrong with me?
this is why i can't break up with him. i'm not strong enough to not be with him. i miss him too much. i want him. as bad as he really truely is for me, i'm absolutely addicted to him.
and you know.. i honestly feel like if i ever were to get strong enough to be on my own and just break up with him, i feel like sometime down the road.. we're gonna cross paths. we're going to somehow end up going back to each other.
but i think back to adam and taylor.. i thought i felt that way about them.
but matt's different. i've spend real time with him. we're together too much. i know him so incredibly well.. and he knows me better than i even know myself! seriously! i am not lying! i never understood what that meant until i met this man.
its real. it's so fucking real what i feel for him. and it scares me because all i wanna do is make him happy and be with him and give him everything. and i can't be like that. i can't be the provider. i can't. it's not my place and i don't want that.
but i want him
so i'm going to have to sacrifice one or the other because it doesn't look like things will really be getting better anytime soon.
he's been telling me about how he's been talking about me with his grandmother.. and he's begging me to be the one to come and pick him up now. it makes me feel so good.
i don't have the money for gas or anything to get there.. and south carolina is the state i'm not supposed to be driving in.. but it's so fucking awesome and amazing that he's been like "please come! i'm begging you! i really want you to meet my family!"
it's so weird because matts never been like that before. but he says he talks about me all the time and his grandmother said it was alright. i'm thinking about leaving tuesday morning and getting there tuesday night.. and staying til friday morning. idk. i'm thinking about it.
i'm so nervous though! his family up there is SO CONSERVATIVE!! LIKE HOLY SHIT! and they're soooo country lol. kinda like my dad's family.
anyway. idk. maybe i'll just do it to get away and be in a peaceful place with matthew. but JEEZ it's going to be SO HARD not ripping his clothes off right when i see him! i'm so horney! lol! it's KILLING me!
This movie was kind of like the movie I lost my virginity to.. to adam, which is really weird... but it's so perfect for so many situations with matthew.
Everytime i think really hard about matthew and i, my only conclusion is that i'm fucking stupid and crazy for staying with him and being with him for however long. he's not good for me.. at all.
so why am i still here almost 3 years later? why do i feel so stuck?
i love matthew. i'm so fucking in love with him. i'm absolutely infatuated like ridiculous. and it's so fucking unhealthy and i know this. i litterally don't know what to do with myself when he's not around. i did absolutely NOTHING today. and although i normally do nothing.. i'm always content because matthew's there doing nothing with me.
Sometimes I think that I'm just really used to matt. Sometimes i think that i really don't like him that much, i'm just like always expecting him to be around.
But then again, Matthew and I spend 24/7 with each other. he's been in south carolina for 1 week now. i'm so persistant in making sure i answer my phone and that i'm alwways free and around to take his calls. what is up with that? and i genuinely miss him. i can't fucking get a good nights sleep without him there. and whenever he calls, we talk and talk.. and i'm always just happy to hear from him.
i miss him so fucking much, it's ridiculous. god. what is wrong with me?
this is why i can't break up with him. i'm not strong enough to not be with him. i miss him too much. i want him. as bad as he really truely is for me, i'm absolutely addicted to him.
and you know.. i honestly feel like if i ever were to get strong enough to be on my own and just break up with him, i feel like sometime down the road.. we're gonna cross paths. we're going to somehow end up going back to each other.
but i think back to adam and taylor.. i thought i felt that way about them.
but matt's different. i've spend real time with him. we're together too much. i know him so incredibly well.. and he knows me better than i even know myself! seriously! i am not lying! i never understood what that meant until i met this man.
its real. it's so fucking real what i feel for him. and it scares me because all i wanna do is make him happy and be with him and give him everything. and i can't be like that. i can't be the provider. i can't. it's not my place and i don't want that.
but i want him
so i'm going to have to sacrifice one or the other because it doesn't look like things will really be getting better anytime soon.
he's been telling me about how he's been talking about me with his grandmother.. and he's begging me to be the one to come and pick him up now. it makes me feel so good.
i don't have the money for gas or anything to get there.. and south carolina is the state i'm not supposed to be driving in.. but it's so fucking awesome and amazing that he's been like "please come! i'm begging you! i really want you to meet my family!"
it's so weird because matts never been like that before. but he says he talks about me all the time and his grandmother said it was alright. i'm thinking about leaving tuesday morning and getting there tuesday night.. and staying til friday morning. idk. i'm thinking about it.
i'm so nervous though! his family up there is SO CONSERVATIVE!! LIKE HOLY SHIT! and they're soooo country lol. kinda like my dad's family.
anyway. idk. maybe i'll just do it to get away and be in a peaceful place with matthew. but JEEZ it's going to be SO HARD not ripping his clothes off right when i see him! i'm so horney! lol! it's KILLING me!