I`d like to tell you that I, gotta a lotta love to give
I always go for the guys I can`t have. What can I say, I love the chase & getting the catch ((which hardly ever happens)) feels amazing because the chase & everything that came along with it was well worth it. Band boys... regular boys... what`s the difference? Is my infatuation with band guys ((even if it`s local or whatnot)) some sort of a sick sign that I should establish my first actual meaningful relationship with one? If I do, they`ll tour eventually, get tempted with girls, I`ll of coarse want it to be open, I`ll do my thing, he`ll do his, & when he comes home, everything will be fine?... even with the openness of the relationship, I`m pretty sure the guilt of what we`ve done w/o each others` presence is gonna take it toll & we`ll crash & burn. Whatever, I just needed to get that said.
Umm, so, Joe from Payton March ((one of my favorite locals)) emails me & brings my world down by telling me that the frontman I, love oh so very much quit Payton March. Why? Well his band mates were trying out new lead singers without him knowing & in my opinion, they are some ball-less pieces of crap for not having the guts to tell one of their friends he`s no good as their vocalist anymore. Seriously dudes, he wouldv`e found out sooner or later & it would`ve been a little better if he didn`t find out the way he did. Yeah, I`m a bitter fan, but what can I say, PM WAS the shit & w/o Joe, they`ll sound like. hah no JK, hopefully they find a GOOD singer/screamer because the vox in a band plays a big part in my support of them & I`d still like to love them so yeah, they need a new one soon. As for Joe, I guess I`ll see him around the venues of San Diego.
Bane gets me all the time. Lately, I`ve been getting this over whelming feeling of just NEEDING to be a young stupid careless kid again. I, of coarse, still act like a kid but I mean, where I didn`t have to worry about finding a steady job to pay for an apartment or bills, or going to college and actually figuring out what kind of career I want to have for the next 30 years that`ll keep me from starvation. I don`t want to have to deal with that just yet. I`ve been told & I already know that I was ALWAYS very mature for my age. I grew up too fast & was way too fucking serious. Try being a 7 year old that already had her 10 year plan after she graduated college. Well all that shit changed when I hit 14/15/16 & I realized the party scene was the scene for me. I did almost everything you could imagine minus some of the very serious junk. My life was in the toliet during that time which is pretty much why I rebelled the way I did. I woke up one morning when I was 16 & waking up where & how I did completely changed everything because I didn`t want anything more to happen, so that junk stopped & I did it cold turkey. Half of 16 then 17 comes along & yeah, I go into independant study which is like home schooling & I go into depression, which I was diagnosed for but I didn`t go on anti deps because I`ve heard it can actually make you go through with IT, & the feeling of suicide is my thought every single day. Most of the reason is because what happened within my family quarters was already more than I could handle, then ONE more incident happens & it throws me over the edge & I want to get into everything again but I get into smoking & drinking, a lot. Christine, my cousin, actually hates one of my best friends I`ve known for 13 years & her personality is EXACTLY like mine... so I figure, how the EFF do you not like her but you like me? It`s probably because I`m her cousin & I can never respect someone like Christine, but we`ve been through so much shit together, it`s hard for me to turn my back on her. What she went through made her come to me & she knew what I was going thorugh & we actually made a pact if things got way to serious & terrible, we`d get the guns that is stashed in our parents` compartments & just got for it & one time, she wanted to do it then & there but that was when I was in the process of my "evolvment" & I couldn`t imagine how much I let her down after promising I would always have her back, but now she stopped doing what she did, except she still smokes, but she`s not as bad as she was 2 years ago :]. So I meet Kris summer 04 & wow, everything changed, my life pretty much was turned around & I saw that people are in WAAAAY more worse situations than I am & I have no reason to be wallowing in my own problems when I`ll have more to deal with in the future & I actually have something to live for. & now here I am. 18 & sitting in from of the computer after a full 12 hour day cleaning & re-arranging my room & only about a 2 hour sleep & the only song that is in my head & this moment is "Can We Start Again" by Bane. "I was a 15 year old kid with nowhere to fit in, I just wanted to skate & Listen to my Suicidal tape, When someone told me about a place where the strange were accepted & judged by what's inside. A scene of truly open minds, Somewhere, somehow, everything has changed. Look at what we've gotten ourselves caught up in. The S A M E mindless clicks, The same high school shit!"
My god that song is amazing. I`m gonna sound a little cliche but I really hate having to grow up. By this time next Jan/Feb, I`ll be on my way to a career in whatever I decide to take. But after college... after starting my career... after making some money... I`m gonna live the life I`ve been wanting to live for the longest time. Marissa knows that all I`m intrested in is going to rock shows & hanging out afterwards & all that great junk, but she actually said, "It`ll get old." NO. It will NEVER get old. I can`t explain why rock shows are what I live for because I guess you`ll have to LOVE going to them to understand why that`ll never get old. Music is just a background to Marissa`s life while music is pretty much all I have.
I just needed to write this shit because it`s been on my mind the last few days. Thanks for baring with me on this kiddos.