(no subject)
i am afraid to even start typing the things i came here to type. like somehow i won't be able to run away from any of it, which of course is bullshit but it is this heavy weight that just sits on my chest as i continually become more disappointed with myself, yet oddly satisfied.
i keep telling myself that things just need to be over and done with in regards to the girl, but of course what does that really mean? commit to being the new babysitter for her kids. that is what i like to call distancing. i do enjoy her kids, they can be very amusing, but i have to now think about what i am doing and if i am using her kids to stay close to her. that does or may sound rather pathetic, but at times my recent mindset has been "get as much as you can while you can". this covers every last inch of our relationship now for me. example...
there is still that awkward kissing thing going on. i feel like we shouldn't be kissing, but i still do it even when i can't stop thinking she is doing it out of pity and that very soon she will start to pull away from me. i just keep thinking that i might as well do it until that day if i stop now that may be it, forever.
i keep reminding myself that i will never ever ever be her gf. i do feel like i was misled on this one and now it just seems really hard to part with the idea. i thought it was something about me specifically that made her not want to hang out with me as much as i wanted to hang out with her... and obviously now i see this unrequited love. i want to be with her a lot cause i am in love with her and she wants to hang out with me on friend terms i guess. there were just these couple weeks or maybe a week more where i had this constant contact with her and then without any warning she pulled it all away from me and that has been very hard to get over.
one of the biggest issues for me is knowing she will not talk about any of this with me. we will never have this conversation that has needed to happen for almost a year now. nothing will ever be clear to me and i will allow it to stay unclear. i was the distraction when she was confined by her ex, and now she is free and i am not even a useful tool anymore i just lay down and allow her to wipe her feet on me. while this generally elicits an all consuming sadness there is a part of me that is so completely satisfied with allowing this to go on.
so in her defense... not that i am big on that - i realize that my brain needs some help. i don't know what to do about it. well i guess i do, but i don't do anything. perhaps it is about not having insurance. whatever it is i know it is effecting the way i see things that are happening in my life right now. i feel this need to dwell on the tiniest infractions until a great anxiety takes over and has me hunched over the toilet at 6am puking up every last insecurity.
i have issues with the unknown. i always want to be in the know. when the girl is making secret plans with her friends and i know i am not invited - i can't describe the feeling but it is like horrible static, mountains of self hatred and the sad realization that i am in no position to accurately perceive any of this. yet i can't quite mold it into an excuse to be completely oblivious.
it isn't that i feel being medicated or whatever will allow me to see that yes she is indeed in love with me. i just feel that i may not be so horribly wounded and then fixated on every little fucking thing. where the minor infraction remain just that. i would like to alleviate the paranoia.
i think i have decided that i can't sleep over at her place any more. granted for over a month now that just includes me sleeping on the couch or in her bed alone while she stays up all night drinking her new roommates and cleaning. i still don't think i should do it.
i wish it didn't have to matter so much.
http://www.staggstreet.com/
i keep telling myself that things just need to be over and done with in regards to the girl, but of course what does that really mean? commit to being the new babysitter for her kids. that is what i like to call distancing. i do enjoy her kids, they can be very amusing, but i have to now think about what i am doing and if i am using her kids to stay close to her. that does or may sound rather pathetic, but at times my recent mindset has been "get as much as you can while you can". this covers every last inch of our relationship now for me. example...
there is still that awkward kissing thing going on. i feel like we shouldn't be kissing, but i still do it even when i can't stop thinking she is doing it out of pity and that very soon she will start to pull away from me. i just keep thinking that i might as well do it until that day if i stop now that may be it, forever.
i keep reminding myself that i will never ever ever be her gf. i do feel like i was misled on this one and now it just seems really hard to part with the idea. i thought it was something about me specifically that made her not want to hang out with me as much as i wanted to hang out with her... and obviously now i see this unrequited love. i want to be with her a lot cause i am in love with her and she wants to hang out with me on friend terms i guess. there were just these couple weeks or maybe a week more where i had this constant contact with her and then without any warning she pulled it all away from me and that has been very hard to get over.
one of the biggest issues for me is knowing she will not talk about any of this with me. we will never have this conversation that has needed to happen for almost a year now. nothing will ever be clear to me and i will allow it to stay unclear. i was the distraction when she was confined by her ex, and now she is free and i am not even a useful tool anymore i just lay down and allow her to wipe her feet on me. while this generally elicits an all consuming sadness there is a part of me that is so completely satisfied with allowing this to go on.
so in her defense... not that i am big on that - i realize that my brain needs some help. i don't know what to do about it. well i guess i do, but i don't do anything. perhaps it is about not having insurance. whatever it is i know it is effecting the way i see things that are happening in my life right now. i feel this need to dwell on the tiniest infractions until a great anxiety takes over and has me hunched over the toilet at 6am puking up every last insecurity.
i have issues with the unknown. i always want to be in the know. when the girl is making secret plans with her friends and i know i am not invited - i can't describe the feeling but it is like horrible static, mountains of self hatred and the sad realization that i am in no position to accurately perceive any of this. yet i can't quite mold it into an excuse to be completely oblivious.
it isn't that i feel being medicated or whatever will allow me to see that yes she is indeed in love with me. i just feel that i may not be so horribly wounded and then fixated on every little fucking thing. where the minor infraction remain just that. i would like to alleviate the paranoia.
i think i have decided that i can't sleep over at her place any more. granted for over a month now that just includes me sleeping on the couch or in her bed alone while she stays up all night drinking her new roommates and cleaning. i still don't think i should do it.
i wish it didn't have to matter so much.
http://www.staggstreet.com/