there always was a reason...
that we were never meant to be left alone.
heres me continuing to torture myself. any time my mind wanders from something hurtful i throw it right back on track. its sick and its sad and its fucked up frankly. my best friend thinks i need to see a therapist. i keep telling myself that this will be my therapy, self - therapy. i dont need someone else to tell me whats wrong with me, i know whats wrong with me. im a fucking lunatic. i have irrational fears that i let control me. my mind wanders, i have an overactive imagination and always have. i over analyze simple sittuations. i try to analyze people around me to keep my mind off myself, all that does is make me realize how fucked up i really am. i keep thinking about drugs. about going back to them. i want to try and do this on my own. i dont want to rely on something else, chemical or physical to pull me out of this hole. i want to dig myself out on my own. i dont know if thats exactly possible but what do i have to lose? ive already lost almost everything thats ever mattered to me. ok so here goes : begin session :
irrational fears : chlostrophobia (actually the most rational on the list). needles. spiders. failure/being lame/wasting my life. staying the same. lack of attention.
lets take it from the top...
chlostrophobia - fear of small spaces. sums it up well enough. and as i said its the most rational fear on the list, despite phobias being defined as irrational fears. it all goes back to being a kid and my older cousin joey locking me in my toy chest. he kept me in there for what seemed like forever but was probably 15 minutes. i screamed and yelled and kicked but noone heard me, the parents were in another room talking amongst themselves. even if they did hear me im sure the assumed we were just playing - i tend to scream a lot. ask anyone who knows (or anyone whos slept with me) me im not exactly a quiet, delicate flower. i mean as a teen my friends would all ride in the trunk once in a while, i would never even consider it. i guess its me not trusting people? not trustng that theyll let me out before i run out of air and die a slow death of asphyxiation. not trusting myself to be able to keep calm? i think more my inability to trust others, i have pretty bad trust issues but i guess thats what comes with the territory when everytime you think you feel love you get lied to, cheated on, used, abused, and walked all over.
1-900-USA-NAILS
needles - completely ridiculous if youve ever seen my body. im terrified of needles yet have had my lip pierced twice in the same spot, my ears guaged to 5/8th and numerous tattoos two of which entailed over 3 hours worth of sitting time. how can i be so damn afraid of needles piercing my skin and keep doing it to myself over and over again? because im crazy obviously. probably for the same damn reason i force my past upon myself. the fear makes me feel alive. the sadness makes me feel something. i guess something is better than nothing. at least when i still had the drugs i felt happy, warm, like there was something inside me. now i just feel empty, hallow, and im looking for validation somewhere in my past and i cant find it. i cant. ive been trying, ive been turning over every stone and doing just about everything i can short of time travel to figure it out but i see nothing. anyways - needles. pretty stupid huh?
spiders - i think i just say that because i think theyre gross and id never want to touch one.
heres the best one - failure - i have a crazy fear that i will not progress in life. that ill just hit a wall and be stuck forever to lead a miserable mediocre life. i think thats why i have a hard time letting go of the past, because i know what i did back then and i feel like most of it was completely rad. because of that i feel like i can never do any better. like now im being somehow forced to "grow up" and act adult and have responsibility. now all i can do it wait around to have a ring put on my finger and pop out a little brat. thats not what i want. god, i have enough commitment issues the last thing i need it a fucking child, you know? what i wouldnt give to just go back to the days where i chased my friends on skateboards around downtown late at night. i skipped school to smoke weed and watch skate videos. i crashed parties and trashed houses with the best of them. when i had to sneak into bars. when we could only get 40s and we would drink them like fine wine and cause trouble in the woods. drinking segrams in a musty old basement with a bunch of old men. i miss those days. i miss all of it, even the ugly parts. even all those guys i slept with to feel validated because i was young and depressed. i feel like i was a rock star then and now im washed up and old. im fucking 22, how am i old? dont know. but i feel old. im stuck in a rutt, my life is on pause and im just waiting for someone or something to come around and unstick the play button. maybe its because i havent gotten laid in over 4 months? and this is all some subconcious reaction to my sexual frustration? im not sure but i feel like theres something to be learned from it and thats why im digging into my past to try and find something. i just dont now where to begin but i feel like whatever i have to be learned its back there somewhere. like im looking for something thats right in front of my face - thats how i feel. and i feel like the whole les sittutaion was just me looking for an out and clinging to the first shred of hope i was shown. rob was a bad experience, it hurt me in more ways than one, but i did it and i got out and im still trying to mend some of the friendships i may have hurt during that time - mostly those with my older friends - you know who you are - the ones from chili. les gave me hope - he was a wanderer, a drifter, he was offering me a life of danger and adventure and constant change and it sounded so great...until he got back together with his ex. that happens to me a lot ive realized. i must have a fucking neon sign over my head that says "not quite over your ex? give me a try! then by all means go back to her when you realize that i suck.". pretty great. now with the broken ankle my life is really on pause. i know theres something to be learned from this but as ive said - i have no idea what that is just yet. the more searching i do the more i hurt myself. i can feel myself slipping into that dark place again, the only difference this time is i cant escape it even momentarilly. i cant leave the house, i cant get wasted, i cant go out and get laid, im laid up here at my damn house with nothing to do but think. its hell. this. is hell. maybe thats my lesson, that im in hell, and should just curl up and die. fabulous.
im over it.
end session.
i need something and i dont think ill ever find it.
i tied a nervous noose of piano wire
and wrapped it round the mocking throat of the past..
heres me continuing to torture myself. any time my mind wanders from something hurtful i throw it right back on track. its sick and its sad and its fucked up frankly. my best friend thinks i need to see a therapist. i keep telling myself that this will be my therapy, self - therapy. i dont need someone else to tell me whats wrong with me, i know whats wrong with me. im a fucking lunatic. i have irrational fears that i let control me. my mind wanders, i have an overactive imagination and always have. i over analyze simple sittuations. i try to analyze people around me to keep my mind off myself, all that does is make me realize how fucked up i really am. i keep thinking about drugs. about going back to them. i want to try and do this on my own. i dont want to rely on something else, chemical or physical to pull me out of this hole. i want to dig myself out on my own. i dont know if thats exactly possible but what do i have to lose? ive already lost almost everything thats ever mattered to me. ok so here goes : begin session :
irrational fears : chlostrophobia (actually the most rational on the list). needles. spiders. failure/being lame/wasting my life. staying the same. lack of attention.
lets take it from the top...
chlostrophobia - fear of small spaces. sums it up well enough. and as i said its the most rational fear on the list, despite phobias being defined as irrational fears. it all goes back to being a kid and my older cousin joey locking me in my toy chest. he kept me in there for what seemed like forever but was probably 15 minutes. i screamed and yelled and kicked but noone heard me, the parents were in another room talking amongst themselves. even if they did hear me im sure the assumed we were just playing - i tend to scream a lot. ask anyone who knows (or anyone whos slept with me) me im not exactly a quiet, delicate flower. i mean as a teen my friends would all ride in the trunk once in a while, i would never even consider it. i guess its me not trusting people? not trustng that theyll let me out before i run out of air and die a slow death of asphyxiation. not trusting myself to be able to keep calm? i think more my inability to trust others, i have pretty bad trust issues but i guess thats what comes with the territory when everytime you think you feel love you get lied to, cheated on, used, abused, and walked all over.
1-900-USA-NAILS
needles - completely ridiculous if youve ever seen my body. im terrified of needles yet have had my lip pierced twice in the same spot, my ears guaged to 5/8th and numerous tattoos two of which entailed over 3 hours worth of sitting time. how can i be so damn afraid of needles piercing my skin and keep doing it to myself over and over again? because im crazy obviously. probably for the same damn reason i force my past upon myself. the fear makes me feel alive. the sadness makes me feel something. i guess something is better than nothing. at least when i still had the drugs i felt happy, warm, like there was something inside me. now i just feel empty, hallow, and im looking for validation somewhere in my past and i cant find it. i cant. ive been trying, ive been turning over every stone and doing just about everything i can short of time travel to figure it out but i see nothing. anyways - needles. pretty stupid huh?
spiders - i think i just say that because i think theyre gross and id never want to touch one.
heres the best one - failure - i have a crazy fear that i will not progress in life. that ill just hit a wall and be stuck forever to lead a miserable mediocre life. i think thats why i have a hard time letting go of the past, because i know what i did back then and i feel like most of it was completely rad. because of that i feel like i can never do any better. like now im being somehow forced to "grow up" and act adult and have responsibility. now all i can do it wait around to have a ring put on my finger and pop out a little brat. thats not what i want. god, i have enough commitment issues the last thing i need it a fucking child, you know? what i wouldnt give to just go back to the days where i chased my friends on skateboards around downtown late at night. i skipped school to smoke weed and watch skate videos. i crashed parties and trashed houses with the best of them. when i had to sneak into bars. when we could only get 40s and we would drink them like fine wine and cause trouble in the woods. drinking segrams in a musty old basement with a bunch of old men. i miss those days. i miss all of it, even the ugly parts. even all those guys i slept with to feel validated because i was young and depressed. i feel like i was a rock star then and now im washed up and old. im fucking 22, how am i old? dont know. but i feel old. im stuck in a rutt, my life is on pause and im just waiting for someone or something to come around and unstick the play button. maybe its because i havent gotten laid in over 4 months? and this is all some subconcious reaction to my sexual frustration? im not sure but i feel like theres something to be learned from it and thats why im digging into my past to try and find something. i just dont now where to begin but i feel like whatever i have to be learned its back there somewhere. like im looking for something thats right in front of my face - thats how i feel. and i feel like the whole les sittutaion was just me looking for an out and clinging to the first shred of hope i was shown. rob was a bad experience, it hurt me in more ways than one, but i did it and i got out and im still trying to mend some of the friendships i may have hurt during that time - mostly those with my older friends - you know who you are - the ones from chili. les gave me hope - he was a wanderer, a drifter, he was offering me a life of danger and adventure and constant change and it sounded so great...until he got back together with his ex. that happens to me a lot ive realized. i must have a fucking neon sign over my head that says "not quite over your ex? give me a try! then by all means go back to her when you realize that i suck.". pretty great. now with the broken ankle my life is really on pause. i know theres something to be learned from this but as ive said - i have no idea what that is just yet. the more searching i do the more i hurt myself. i can feel myself slipping into that dark place again, the only difference this time is i cant escape it even momentarilly. i cant leave the house, i cant get wasted, i cant go out and get laid, im laid up here at my damn house with nothing to do but think. its hell. this. is hell. maybe thats my lesson, that im in hell, and should just curl up and die. fabulous.
im over it.
end session.
i need something and i dont think ill ever find it.
i tied a nervous noose of piano wire
and wrapped it round the mocking throat of the past..