not to self :
stop sucking.
easier said than done, seems now i cant pull myself away from this damn thing. i guess its a pretty acceptable form of therapy and its much easier for me to type than you actually write. quite possible because my thoughts come out so fast i cant keep up with them useing just a pen and paper. good or bad? not sure myself. dont really care either way. this is truly embarassing that ieven considered livejournal an option but i guess at one point i thought it was cool. you know 3 years ago when i was cool. so maybe this will make me cool again? doubt it but hell anything is worth a try at this point.
im the person that overplays thier favorite song.
i dont know why that matters but thats what ive been doing for two days straight now. thought maybe it means something. that i cant move on? that im a pathetic loser? i dont know. but i do it, thats for damn sure. maybe because i hear the lyrics and they sting and stick with me until i hear it again. was it written for me? maybe im not the only person whos ever felt this way? then why do i feel like i dont deserve to. i feel like i dont deserve emotions. like i dont deserve to have fun or nice things or good people around me. im self destructive i guess. hell, I KNOW. im a fucking emotional masochist. here i am sitting listening to songs i havent heard in years forcing the sound into my ears even though it hurts to hear it. it kills me. who do i do this to myself? because i feel like i have to. like i deserve the pain. sit and force the memories back up like yesterdays lunch.
keep the blood in your head
keep your feet on the ground
i wish i could stop. i cant. i love torturing myself. give myself no choice but to think of the past, think of where i was when i heard this song, who i was with, what drugs we were on, who i went to bed with that night, how i got home. fuck. i remember everyone. i remember how they spoke how they smelled how we interacted how we all drifted apart and the ugliness that followed. and i sit here and cry about it while everyone else moves on so easily. why cant i ever let go of the past until its too late? until its so far gone i dont even realize ive done it. i keep telling myself "cheer up little girl, everythings gonna be alright, youve gotten through worse, youll be okay" but i dont believe it. not one word of it.
somethings gotta give.