A Little Help With The Agony Chapter 4
Title: A Little Help With The Agony Chapter 4
Genre: Drama, Angst, Romance
Pairing: Yunjae (For now)
Length: Chapters
Rating: R
Author: Undertheblu
Warnings: Eating Disorders (Anorexia Nervosa), Drug Abuse, Sex, Adult Language
Summary: Yunho and Jaejoong have to keep their relationship a secret for the sake of the band’s reputation, but Jaejoong’s been starting to feel like Yunho is only been using him. Together, Yunho’s apathy and the pressure of fame have ruined Jaejoong’s self-esteem and led him to developed an eating disorder. Questioning whether he even wants to be a part of the famous singing group anymore, Jaejoong starts to spin out of control, dangerously close to dragging the others down with him.
Read Chapter 4 Here: http://undertheblu.livejournal.com/3706.html
Jaejoong’s first date with ‘Claire’ felt like sex. Satisfying sex. Every atom of his being felt light, colors were so much brighter than he ever knew they could be. He couldn’t remember ever feeling so happy. Everything felt good, and the good wasn’t going away. It lasted for hours, hours of complete pleasure. It had been hard to focus, hard to pay attention to anything anyone said to him because the pleasure he was feeling was just too extreme.
“It just doesn’t seem right.” Yoochun mumbled.
“What are you talking about, if he’s happy he’s happy.” Junsu scoffed.
“He hasn’t been happy for months-“
“What are you talking about?” Changmin asked, entering himself into the conversation as he sat next to them. Manager Khan had allowed them some free time so they had decided to take a well deserved trip to a club. They never got to do things like that anymore, just be people. And the darkness of the club allowed that.
“Jaejoong, Chun thinks it’s weird that he’s having a good time.” Junsu gestured toward where Jaejoong and Heechul were.
Changmin laguhed, “You think it’s weird?”
“Yeah, I mean he’s been miserable for so long, why the sudden change?” Yoochun answered.
“He hasn’t been miserable you’re exaggerating.” Junsu shook his head as he downed his drink.
“You don’t talk to him like I do, believe me, he’s been miserable.” Yoochun snapped.
“Not my fault he doesn’t talk to me. He doesn’t talk to anyone.”
“Maybe it’s because we’ve finally got a chance to relax a little,” Changmin shrugged, looking over his shoulder at Jaejoong, “Why worry about it? It’s good he’s having a good time.”
Yoochun didn’t agree, he still thought it was weird. As Jaejoong and Heechul ran up to them he pushed the thoughts away, “Why are you just sitting?! Let’s dance!” Jaejoong grabbed Yoochun’s hand and Heechul pulled he others to stand.
The music pumped loudly, so loud Yoochun could feel it in his chest, “You okay, Jae?”
Jaejoong grinned, “Of course I am!”
“This morning-“
“I feel amazing, everything’s so amazing, Chun. Everything’s how it’s suppose to be. Don’t you feel that?”
Yoochun frowned, Jaejoong didn’t even sound like himself. He sounded like Heechul, too giggly. He wondered how much they’d had to drink. Since Jae had started smoking again, Yoochun was sure he’d probably started drinking again. He’d always cared so much about taking care of his body, but if he was willing to smoke... He’d been so depressed, of course not enough for anyone to notice it, but Yoochun knew he’d been upset lately. He just didn’t seem to care about anything anymore, this sudden change seemed way too drastic to happen in a day.
Manager Khan had decided to hire a nutritionist for the group, kicking himself for not having one in the first place. Since Jaejoong dropping at the concert, the media wouldn’t shut up about it. Jaejoong grumbled about it the entire time.
“Why? I don’t get why we need a nutritionist, we’re not children.”
“Maybe if you kept yourself healthy enough so you weren’t fainting at shows,” Changmin shrugged.
Jaejoong whirled around to answer but Yunho got in between them, “Hey, chill out. Stop belly-aching and deal with it.”
Jae glared at Changmin, he was getting so irritated with everyone. They were always talking about him, talking about him like his feelings didn’t matter. Like every problem they had was because of him.
“Jae, I want you to talk to her first Jae, since you were just-“
“Of course.” Jaejoong mumbled walking past. Hating every minute of this, especially getting weighed, weighed in front of everyone. It was humiliating.
“Hm,” The woman, named Mina Sang murmured writing things down on a chart, “You’re slightly underweight for your age, Jaejoong.”
He felt Manager Khan whisper something to Yunho.
“How’s your diet?” She asked.
Jaejoong shrugged, “I try to eat healthy?”
“What do you consider healthy?”
“Fruits and vegetables and nothing else.” Junsu answered.
“And exercise?”
“He runs everyday.” Junsu answered.
Jaejoong glared over his shoulder, “Answer when it’s your turn, Su.” He hissed.
“Over exercising without enough protein..” She mumbled, still writing things down, “That’s probably why you passed out that night. Maybe we could make a meal plan for him.” She said, more to Manager Khan than actually speaking to Jaejoong.
This was making him so uncomfortable. It felt like a punishment, “So my meals are going to be monitored now?” He sighed defeatedly.
“That’s not what this is about, Jaejoong. It’s about making sure you’re alright. Everyone’s going to go through the same thing,” Khan answered.
But of course that was a complete lie, everyone else just had to try to get more sleep.
While everyone else was having their health talk Jaejoong slipped out to the balcony to smoke, ever since that night with Heechul, everything was irritating and everyone was infuriating. He blew out a string of smoke, looking out at the dark sky. He wondered what his sister was doing right now, studying pregnancy books no doubt. Thinking about her got him even angrier, he hated being away from her during this special time.
He knew that if he was home right now with her, he wouldn’t be so...Things wouldn’t be so unbearable and he’d be able to be normal. He turned when Yoochun walked out onto the balcony beside him, “You want Khan to see you with that? Then he’ll get you a shrink let alone a nutritionist.” Yoochun said, motioning to the cigarette.
“Want a hit?” Jaejoong replied, holding out his cigarette.
Yoochun shook his head, “Not tonight. You okay?”
“Spectacular as always,” Jaejoong answered sarcastically, raising the cigarette back to his lips, “It’s so great being told over and over again what’s wrong with me.”
“She’s just here to help, Jae. She’s right, you don’t get enough sleep for how much you exercise. And you don’t need to exercise so much, it’s why you’re so tired when we get to dance practice.”
“Running clears my head,” Jaejoong shrugged, looking out over the lit city.
“And you don’t eat very much anymore,” He said very delicately, watching Jaejoong’s face as he said it.
“I’m not going to eat the crap Junsu eats just so I can-“
“No one’s telling you you need to eat like Su, you just probably should be eating more.”
“I’m fine, Yoochun, don’t worry about it.” Jaejoong said, flicking away his cigarette and turning to walk back inside. Yoochun watched him walk away, seeing the way his baggy clothes hung on him, looser than intended.
“I just thought I should tell you,” Yoochun sighed, Manager Khan and Yunho frowned as he talked.
“You really think so?” Manager Khan asked, Yunho staring at the ground as he thought about how thin Jaejoong had gotten. He of all people should have noticed, he saw him naked so often.. He should’ve noticed..
Yoochun nodded solemnly, “He’s been so..he’s been really unhappy for a while.”
Yunho nodded, “He isn’t happy.”
“The nutritionist did say he was underweight.” Manager Khan sighed, “Maybe there’s something to it. That sort of thing happens to people in the public eye. Usually it’s girls but... Well, I’ll speak to him-“
“I think I should,” Yunho interrupted, “I think he’d be too embarrassed if you did, Khan.”
Manager Khan eyed Yunho for a moment then nodded, “You’re probably right. Make sure this ends, Yunho. The media can’t catch onto this, this group doesn’t need any more negative attention like that. And neither does Jaejoong for that matter. Maybe I should set him up with a psychologist.”
Yoochun winced at that, Jaejoong would hate that so much. He was so secretive, he’d never be able to go through a full therapy session.
“I’ll talk to him,” Yunho repeated, feeling a surge of anger for Jaejoong putting the group in an uncomfortable situation once again.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m fine.” Jaejoong said, encircling his wrist with this thumb and index finger, feeling how thin it had gotten.
“Jaejoong, stop it.” Yunho retorted sharply, “Whether you’re doing it on purpose or not, you’re losing too much weight. You don’t look healthy.”
The words stung, Yunho said he looked wrong. Yunho, who’s opinion mattered so much to him.
“I can see your ribs for christ sake,” Yunho said, pulling at Jaejoong’s baggy shirt. Jaejoong pulled away quickly.
“Don’t touch me.”
Yunho frowned, “Since when?”
Jaejoong breathed deeply, “It isn’t like that anymore, right? So why should you get to touch me whenever you want?”
“It’s always going to be like that isn’t it?” Yunho sighed, “As long as I know you, you’re going to be bringing that up.”
“Because it meant something to me!” Jaejoong hissed, feeling his hands shaking.
Something clicked in Yunho’s head, “Is that why? Why you don’t eat? Is it because of me-“
“God you think everything is about you, don’t you?” Jaejoong snapped.
“So you admit you are starving yourself?”
Jaejoong sighed exasperatedly and turned away, Yunho grabbed his arm and whirled him around easily, “You’re not going to fuck things up for us, Jae. Not like that.”
Jaejoong’s eyes narrowed as he tried to pull out of Yunho’s tight grip, “My apologizes, wouldn’t want to ruin your reputation. If I do anything of the sort I’ll make sure to do it on my own time. Why is that all you care about? How you look to the fans?”
“Because it matters! They matter, Jae! Why don’t you care?!”
“Because I just can’t anymore!” Jaejoong yelled, pulling away, “I can’t do it anymore! Any of it!”
“You’re so fucking selfish-“
“Yes I am actually! That’s why I don’t want to do this anymore!” Jaejoong snapped before turning and walking quickly away. He knew it was pouring rain outside but he went out anyway.
He was soaking wet from both sweat and the rain, his chest ached but he kept running, as long as he kept running he wouldn’t notice how bad it really hurt. Yunho’s words rang in his ears, his angry face ran through his mind. What the ever had was definitely ruined, that was for sure. But more importantly, they were figuring out his secret. They were going to try to take that away from him, then what was he going to do? How was he going to stay in control?
Finally he had to stop running, he couldn’t breathe, his body ached and he just couldn’t force himself anymore. He leaned against a brick wall, choking on his short breaths. He reached into his pocket, pulling out a tiny white pill. A vitamin Heechul called it, he wasn’t stupid enough to believe that, but right now he didn’t care. He swallowed it without any regret, it wasn’t as if any of his other decisions had been that great lately. He felt like he was losing everything, everything he cared about and everything that was safe.
He just wanted to be normal again, he wanted a normal life. But at the same time, he wanted Yunho, and he knew he couldn’t have both...not that he could have Yunho to himself anymore, he’d ruined that. These thoughts started to slowly slip from his mind like water through a child’s fingers. Today Claire took things out of focus, made everything fuzzy, just the way he needed it. Heechul’s words ran though his clouded mind, “She fixes everything. She makes the world the way you need it.”
A/N: I’m all moved back into school so hopefully I’ll get more writing done for you guys. Sorry for always making you wait. Next chapter should be pretty intense (if all goes well while writing it). Hopefully you enjoyed this chapter, can’t wait to see your comments and opinions :) Have a good week everybody!
-Undertheblu