Give me a minute:
I don't know what's wrong. The past few days I just feel....depressed. I've been breaking into tears for no reason because I've randomly been thinknig my dad is going to die. There is no justifiable reason for this. I don't understand. I put life on hold and I just...quit. for no reason. I don't know what I"m even typing right now. I'm upset because of my dad, or that's what I say but I don't think that's it. I"ve had really bad scary thoughts that don't belong in my mind, it's starting to scare me. I really used to have a vigor for life, where did that go? I feel like I just bring people down now. Where did that come from? Is that why I want to go home so bad, to be my old self? is old even bad? I'm so confused, my dad, he isn't healthy, but he's ok, I think, I don't know. There's this whole world waiting to be discovered and it's almost like I'm putting it on hold....for what? for my dad to die? I hope not, the one thing I want more than ANYTHING in life, is for my dad to see my kids. Why do I freak out when I call at 1:30 in the morning and he doesn't pick up? That's ludicris! what kind of 71 year old man picks up a phone at 1:30? why is it freaking me out, why is he telling me that he has cramps in his belly button scaring me? Am I just looking for an excuse not to study, not to learn, not to love life? What is it self-punishment? self-sanctioning? WHY. I don't even know why I'm writting this in here, I haven't used it in a while, not for good heart-bearing talks, types, whatever. I feel like if I truly just staid whatever I wanted to whenever, I'd either hurt the people I love, or I'd come out sounded incredibly ignorant. I want knowledge, but I hate the getting there part, I want to learn and grow and question, but I can't question the ones I love. I'll hurt them. WHy for the first time in my 21 years of existence am I suddenly inhibited? I never have been, even when I did sound ridiculously stupid. I always said what I wanted, why in college when free speech and knowledge is exclamated, am I cowering? I don't get it, why am I trying to fight self-improvement. I really do think I"m scared of success. I lost my, not ability, but concentration, to pray the other day, I was walking down the road trying to set a fleece before God, and the whole time my brian kept thinking of different things that were going to happen to work to my benefit. different "mysterious" ways that God could work, like I was daring Him to outthink me. and I don't get that, who does that? why will my head not stop turning, and my mouth won't produce anything logical? and why do I keep thinking about my dad? it's all I can do in the middle of class to keep from crying, there's NO reason for it! THe littlist thing sets me off, I freaking cried during the chipmunk adventure movie. This is a random place to stop but I just am not getting anywhere.