Making up and Reflections.
Raven61187 (10:56:46 PM): hey
theatrewithtech (10:56:55 PM): Hello
Raven61187 (10:57:05 PM): how are you?
theatrewithtech (10:57:23 PM): I'm well. Somewhat worn out from the weekend of doing nothing
Raven61187 (10:57:31 PM): oh
Raven61187 (10:57:32 PM): well
Raven61187 (10:57:39 PM): I wanted to say something to you
theatrewithtech (10:57:44 PM): shoot
Raven61187 (10:57:57 PM): I wanted to say that I'm sorry for freaking out the last time we talked
theatrewithtech (10:58:08 PM): i hardly think you need to apologize
theatrewithtech (10:58:16 PM): its alright, i kind of get it
theatrewithtech (10:58:20 PM): i kind of freaked out too
Raven61187 (10:58:22 PM): I know your in a vulnerable phase of transition
theatrewithtech (10:58:29 PM): mm, yea well
Raven61187 (10:58:43 PM): and you got a lot on your mind and not much experience to really know what it is you want
theatrewithtech (10:58:58 PM): mm
Raven61187 (10:59:07 PM): and it was wrong of me to push you like that
Raven61187 (10:59:17 PM): however, I would like to remain friends
Raven61187 (10:59:20 PM): but
Raven61187 (10:59:27 PM): I'm leaving it up to you
theatrewithtech (10:59:31 PM): right
theatrewithtech (10:59:37 PM): lets stay friendly
theatrewithtech (10:59:43 PM): lets be nice to each other
theatrewithtech (10:59:50 PM): and lets not freak out lol....
theatrewithtech (10:59:59 PM): i think that would be better for the both of us, mm?
Raven61187 (11:00:13 PM): are you being scarcastic or are you serious?
theatrewithtech (11:00:20 PM): pardon, I'm serious
Raven61187 (11:00:36 PM): ok, just checking cause you don't get tone of voice or facial expressions online
Raven61187 (11:01:03 PM): which is part of the reason why it gets easy to take things the wrong way
theatrewithtech (11:01:11 PM): right, yea, i know
theatrewithtech (11:01:25 PM): i have the same exact issue with online
theatrewithtech (11:01:37 PM): it leaves my otherwise rampant mind to beleive the worst
Raven61187 (11:01:46 PM): I hear that
theatrewithtech (11:01:50 PM): so
theatrewithtech (11:01:59 PM): i cant help but notice you freaked out last time
theatrewithtech (11:02:02 PM): and not just a little
theatrewithtech (11:02:06 PM): but like alot
Raven61187 (11:02:09 PM): yes
Raven61187 (11:02:46 PM): I don't mean this to excuse my actions, but I've been under a lot of stress and pressure. I had to drop my geography class cause it was just too much on top of everything else
Raven61187 (11:03:19 PM): I can take it another semester, or just forget the social studies component of my middle school endorsement if I want to. I really want to teach english, not american history
Raven61187 (11:03:28 PM): though modern american history would be nice
theatrewithtech (11:03:53 PM): i kind of got the feeling that you just wanted something to be nice and easy
theatrewithtech (11:04:02 PM): and that you felt i wasnt making that easy for you
Raven61187 (11:04:29 PM): yeah
Raven61187 (11:04:31 PM): plus
Raven61187 (11:04:39 PM): people have been taking advantage of me lately
theatrewithtech (11:04:45 PM): lately?
Raven61187 (11:04:47 PM): and I'm getting sick of it
theatrewithtech (11:04:48 PM): dont you mean in general?
theatrewithtech (11:04:53 PM): not to be blunt or rude
Raven61187 (11:05:26 PM): so I'm starting to put my foot down more and I hold back so much anger that sometimes, I've been getting carried away, which isn't helping me with being sick with a virus that they're not sure what it is
theatrewithtech (11:05:34 PM): right
Raven61187 (11:05:55 PM): and, I don't like to fight
Raven61187 (11:06:05 PM): especially with people I care about
theatrewithtech (11:06:10 PM): right.
theatrewithtech (11:06:23 PM): well, who does
Raven61187 (11:07:37 PM): plus
Raven61187 (11:07:44 PM): I've been missing Matt lately
Raven61187 (11:08:03 PM): and, I would really like a male friend. Not a boyfriend, just a friend
Raven61187 (11:08:27 PM): like a friend with bennifits type of deal
Raven61187 (11:08:42 PM): and you are the only guy that I feel comfortable with that with
theatrewithtech (11:08:57 PM): how flattering, and in stark constrast into what you were saying
theatrewithtech (11:09:01 PM): to*
Raven61187 (11:09:02 PM): and.... the only problem is that both of us like each other more then we like to admit
theatrewithtech (11:09:25 PM): what was all that buisness about tristians apparently less than flattering remarks about me
Raven61187 (11:09:40 PM): he's jealous of you
theatrewithtech (11:09:49 PM): oh im sure, but he barely knows me
theatrewithtech (11:09:51 PM): or so i thouhgt
theatrewithtech (11:09:53 PM): thought*
Raven61187 (11:10:06 PM): hell, one night when he came over and he saw your pics on my computer, he was like "well, I have you now"
Raven61187 (11:10:23 PM): he is another one who likes me more then he likes to admit
Raven61187 (11:10:37 PM): but he is afraid to lose the friendship that we have managed to maintain all these years
Raven61187 (11:10:51 PM): its like, I'm his back up if there is no one else
Raven61187 (11:10:55 PM): and he is mine
theatrewithtech (11:11:03 PM): how dark.
Raven61187 (11:11:32 PM): but.... I would rather just say fuck it and be together.... but he is too afraid to lose me
Raven61187 (11:11:54 PM): so of course, when there is another guy in the picture, no matter what the situation, he gets jealous
Raven61187 (11:12:05 PM): and when I give in to him, he pulls away
Raven61187 (11:12:28 PM): he's jealous of you
Raven61187 (11:12:39 PM): cause he feels threatened
Raven61187 (11:13:09 PM): however, I will always have a special place in my heart for tristan
Raven61187 (11:13:21 PM): our relationship is much more complicated then people can understand
Raven61187 (11:13:33 PM): but, we have our karmic debt to pay to each other
Raven61187 (11:13:53 PM): and as for you
Raven61187 (11:14:26 PM): there is something between us that we can not denie, but at the same time we both know that now is not a good time for either of us to get involved with a relationship
Raven61187 (11:14:37 PM): so, why not leave it to friendship
Raven61187 (11:14:58 PM): if something happens later on down the line, great, but I'm not looking for it. what will be will be
theatrewithtech (11:15:08 PM): indeed
theatrewithtech (11:15:17 PM): so you managed to avoid my question, in all of that
Raven61187 (11:15:26 PM): I was hurt
Raven61187 (11:15:36 PM): because tristan talked shit about you and I defended you
Raven61187 (11:15:57 PM): and in that convo, I felt like you were proving me to be wrong about you
Raven61187 (11:16:10 PM): but, I was over reacting
theatrewithtech (11:16:18 PM): alright, but you've still managed to not answer my question
Raven61187 (11:16:25 PM): what question?
theatrewithtech (11:16:28 PM): what did he say?
theatrewithtech (11:16:34 PM): (yes, im that insecure)
Raven61187 (11:17:19 PM): a bunch of bullshit. If you really want to know, I'll tell you honestly, but don't take it too much to heart
theatrewithtech (11:17:29 PM): I will, make no mistake
theatrewithtech (11:17:51 PM): I'm more curious not that he said it, but who told him, because he doesnt know me at al
theatrewithtech (11:18:01 PM): Its the fact that I have a "rep", so to speak
Raven61187 (11:18:02 PM): first, he said that in school, you had no friends because you were arrgant and thought you were better then everyone else and that you were fucked up
theatrewithtech (11:18:12 PM): Well, thats pretty accurate
theatrewithtech (11:18:20 PM): Actually, spot on
theatrewithtech (11:18:44 PM): I dont care about that so much, I was in a different place then
theatrewithtech (11:18:56 PM): Different attitude, different feelings, different outlook
Raven61187 (11:19:11 PM): and that you used to sing songs from phantom of the opra, cause it was your favorite musical, and people used to laugh at you, "hows broadway."
theatrewithtech (11:19:38 PM): Thats funny, because thats not me you're talking about
theatrewithtech (11:19:44 PM): There were two michaels
Raven61187 (11:19:47 PM): I told him that him and his friends were mean, it was something that made you happy and that you were just misunderstood
theatrewithtech (11:20:00 PM): ^^ Read what I said
theatrewithtech (11:20:06 PM): There was me and then there was broadway
Raven61187 (11:20:46 PM): I also told him that I used to sing funny songs in school too and people laughed at me and thought I was weird, but I did it to make people laugh, as well as laugh at the humor in them myself cause I was always depressed and hated being a drag
theatrewithtech (11:21:15 PM): Well, I wasnt that kid
theatrewithtech (11:21:42 PM): He has me confused with the other michael, which is amusing enough. I'd be more curious if it was an intentional confusing
Raven61187 (11:21:48 PM): well, even i you were, I didn't judge you too harshy and regardless of what tristan says, I follow my gut instincts and see you in a different way
Raven61187 (11:22:08 PM): most of what he was saying was out of jealousy, I know him too well to take everything he says seriously
theatrewithtech (11:22:30 PM): an interesting thing for you to know
Raven61187 (11:23:06 PM): I understand Tristan's jealousy
Raven61187 (11:23:21 PM): hence why I can deal with it
Raven61187 (11:23:51 PM): there is one thing I have given him that no other man can
Raven61187 (11:24:06 PM): what he desires most of all
Raven61187 (11:24:13 PM): everlasting love
Raven61187 (11:24:37 PM): because to me, that is the only pure form of love
theatrewithtech (11:24:51 PM): its a pipedream
theatrewithtech (11:24:56 PM): (not to be a kiljoy)
Raven61187 (11:24:57 PM): once I love a guy, its forever. I can say goodbye when I'm mistreated and abused
Raven61187 (11:25:05 PM): like with Brennan
Raven61187 (11:25:13 PM): but a part of me will always love him
Raven61187 (11:25:25 PM): same with Matt
Raven61187 (11:25:38 PM): but I love them all for different reasons
Raven61187 (11:25:49 PM): and what I want is a guy who encompasses it all
Raven61187 (11:26:02 PM): that, I believe, is the real pipedream
theatrewithtech (11:26:05 PM): you'll never have that
theatrewithtech (11:26:09 PM): yea, absolutely
theatrewithtech (11:26:18 PM): its a self-destructive concept
Raven61187 (11:26:32 PM): finding a life partner comes down to someone who can stand you and who you yourself can stand
theatrewithtech (11:26:54 PM): if thats what you want, then every relationship you have you want to have those things, and its almost as if they have to live up t you
theatrewithtech (11:26:56 PM): to*
Raven61187 (11:27:18 PM): and that is why setteling is wrong. I settled with Brennan, and Matt
Raven61187 (11:27:22 PM): and got burned both times
Raven61187 (11:27:38 PM): I didn't settle with Tristan, it happened because it was supposed to happen
Raven61187 (11:27:48 PM): there is a spiritual connection between us
theatrewithtech (11:27:58 PM): i feel we have a very strong difference of opinions about this
Raven61187 (11:28:17 PM): and with each guy I get involved with, my expecations get higher
Raven61187 (11:29:05 PM): and so I need to love myself and let love come to me. I will no longer be the first one to open up, say I love you, or anything else, because I need to know that what I'm feeling is truly recipricated
theatrewithtech (11:29:19 PM): but thats an expectation
Raven61187 (11:29:52 PM): which is why I am not ready for a relationship at this point in time
Raven61187 (11:29:59 PM): besides being busy, and poor
Raven61187 (11:30:48 PM): and my point the other night was that I'm not asking for a relationship, and I don't want to get too attached either. but I would like to be friends because there is something between us that neither one of us can denie and I already care about you
Raven61187 (11:31:09 PM): but, you will need to learn your own lessons on your own, in your own time
Raven61187 (11:31:20 PM): and so, it is in that way I can detach
theatrewithtech (11:31:20 PM): i think one of the key differences between us is that i detach my self blatenly
theatrewithtech (11:31:30 PM): and harshly, quite frankly
Raven61187 (11:31:42 PM): yes, but I understand why
theatrewithtech (11:31:43 PM): because i dont want to do that
theatrewithtech (11:32:34 PM): sigh
theatrewithtech (11:32:46 PM): i know you have a very pagan mentality about things
theatrewithtech (11:33:21 PM): but, quite frankly, i completely refuse fate
theatrewithtech (11:33:34 PM): and i dont think ive been clear on that, i just wanted to put it out there
Raven61187 (11:33:42 PM): we choose our destinies
theatrewithtech (11:33:52 PM): we MAKE our destines
theatrewithtech (11:34:00 PM): we can choose things till the cows come home
theatrewithtech (11:34:05 PM): we DO our destinies
theatrewithtech (11:34:17 PM): if, thats the word you want to use
Raven61187 (11:34:34 PM): but you can not denie that we each have our own lessons that we must learn in our own time. Whether that is in one lifetime, or multiple life times, depedning on what you believe
Raven61187 (11:34:51 PM): but in order to do, we must first make a choice
theatrewithtech (11:34:57 PM): I hardly deny it, i just don't believe its predestined
theatrewithtech (11:35:46 PM): or, for that matter, relevant
theatrewithtech (11:35:53 PM): cosmically speaking
Raven61187 (11:36:05 PM): I don't mean to discredit your beliefs, but I believe that we are all one and are an aspect of the creator force. Thus, we choose the lives we will live before we are born
theatrewithtech (11:36:32 PM): Thats the difference between you and I
Raven61187 (11:37:00 PM): deity isn't an outside force, deity is everything, atleast it exists in humanity, perhaps it is only an idea, but life is short, you gotta live it to its fullest
Raven61187 (11:37:05 PM): and that means taking risks
theatrewithtech (11:37:12 PM): i cant believe that
theatrewithtech (11:37:18 PM): I refuse to, steadfastly
theatrewithtech (11:37:30 PM): and i appreciate thats what you think, i just dont
Raven61187 (11:37:41 PM): I didn't swallow that right away either
Raven61187 (11:37:53 PM): there are a lot fo experiences I wouldn't have choosen
theatrewithtech (11:38:17 PM): oh, im sure, but thats not where i am in my life, and if that makes me close minded, so be it
Raven61187 (11:38:22 PM): however, looking back, I can see the postive, as well as the negative, and I wouldn't be who I am today without the things I've lived through
theatrewithtech (11:38:33 PM): i just will not, shall not, can not, will never not in no circumstances believe that
theatrewithtech (11:38:42 PM): in no uncertain terms.
Raven61187 (11:38:50 PM): and though I am hard on myself, I am at heart a good person and I have a loit to share with the world, of which I do everyday
theatrewithtech (11:38:57 PM): Oh, im sure
Raven61187 (11:39:11 PM): and the same is true of others
theatrewithtech (11:39:16 PM): perhaps.
Raven61187 (11:39:36 PM): but there has to be evil where there is good to balence things out, which is why things are not black or white, they are grey
theatrewithtech (11:39:56 PM): i know thats what you beleive
theatrewithtech (11:39:59 PM): but i just cant
theatrewithtech (11:40:06 PM): its just silly to even contemplate
theatrewithtech (11:40:20 PM): the notion that an unseen force balances everything fairly indefinately
theatrewithtech (11:40:23 PM): its just madness
Raven61187 (11:40:31 PM): "I've run through rainbows and castles of candy, and I've creid a river of tears from the pain. I try to dance with what life has to hand me, and if I could I'd do it all over again."
theatrewithtech (11:40:47 PM): and thats beautifull, and literally its a wonderful device
Raven61187 (11:40:49 PM): the end justifies the means
theatrewithtech (11:40:50 PM): its just wrong
Raven61187 (11:40:59 PM): sure, I have regrets
Raven61187 (11:41:46 PM): but, would I change my life? I may like to in some areas, but then would I still be the same person?
theatrewithtech (11:42:09 PM): you're being too abstract
theatrewithtech (11:42:15 PM): the reality is you live as you are now
theatrewithtech (11:42:56 PM): and all of your actions have since been your own, in a capacity that is completely naive of the grand scheme of things, and could not and will not ever understand things correctly
theatrewithtech (11:42:59 PM): and so are mine
Raven61187 (11:43:17 PM): but who you are now has been conditioned by the social, cultural discourse that you were born into and the experiences you have had
Raven61187 (11:43:34 PM): but you can not control everything
theatrewithtech (11:43:34 PM): the reality is that there is such a remotely absurd chance of actually understanding what the hell is going on, that id rather just say "hang the sense of it" and live my life
Raven61187 (11:43:58 PM): and if that works for you, thats fine
theatrewithtech (11:44:06 PM): well, it doesnt
theatrewithtech (11:44:12 PM): and theres where it all falls down
theatrewithtech (11:44:22 PM): but i couldnt live in any other capacity
Raven61187 (11:44:33 PM): everyone has his or her own truths, there is no absolute truth
Raven61187 (11:45:05 PM): that is why it is important to find the truth within you, and make time to reflect
Raven61187 (11:45:32 PM): "Peace comes from within, do not seek it without. All is temporary." ~ Buddah
theatrewithtech (11:45:55 PM): its funny you quote the buddah, considering your almost completely opposite mentality
Raven61187 (11:47:33 PM): I know I sound like a walking contradiction
Raven61187 (11:47:56 PM): but, this is why I am not ready for another relationship at this point in time
Raven61187 (11:48:26 PM): because, like tristan, I want a love that is true and everlasting
Raven61187 (11:48:36 PM): I want someone I can share my life with and grow old with
Raven61187 (11:48:56 PM): because I fear being alone, dieing alone
theatrewithtech (11:49:08 PM): i think everyone fears that
Raven61187 (11:49:24 PM): but there is no need to be afraid of being alone
Raven61187 (11:49:29 PM): if you love yourself
Raven61187 (11:49:42 PM): which is why I tell you never give up on yourself
Raven61187 (11:50:35 PM): because I see in you the insecurity, self-doubt, and pain that I can relate to when I'm in my "dark desperate hours that nobody sees."
Raven61187 (11:51:00 PM): and you can go far if you trust yourself
Raven61187 (11:51:05 PM): believe in yourself
Raven61187 (11:51:13 PM): and make your dreams your destiny
Raven61187 (11:51:28 PM): sometimes it helps to know that someone does believe in you
Raven61187 (11:51:49 PM): and no matter what happens between you and I, I will always believe in your capabilities
theatrewithtech (11:52:23 PM): well, thats kind of you
theatrewithtech (11:52:29 PM): it does mean something
Raven61187 (11:53:18 PM): I'm not saying that all your dreams will come true, nor am I saying that fairy tales are real
Raven61187 (11:53:31 PM): but, focus on what is important to you
Raven61187 (11:53:49 PM): find yourself, accept yourself, love yourself, and believe in yourself
Raven61187 (11:54:31 PM): and know that atleast one person believes that you can make your dreams a reality
Raven61187 (11:54:51 PM): and if one person can believe that, so can others
Raven61187 (11:55:02 PM): so, why not you too?
theatrewithtech (11:55:22 PM): right
Raven61187 (11:56:27 PM): the problem with me is that I have trouble setting limits
Raven61187 (11:56:32 PM): and forget that I am human
theatrewithtech (11:56:38 PM): admitably
Raven61187 (11:57:07 PM): but, I am working on setting limits and for me, setting limits with you is a step for me
Raven61187 (11:57:43 PM): I am not attached to the point where you have become my world
Raven61187 (11:58:42 PM): but I will admit, I have become attached to the point where I actually care. And I know you don't want that, but I do. I care that you are happy, safe, and that you succeed in all you do, the way a friend would
Raven61187 (11:59:04 PM): I'm not up at night worrying about you. Instead, I'm up at night crying my eyes out over Matt'
theatrewithtech (11:59:11 PM): right
theatrewithtech (11:59:16 PM): i was a sideeffect
Raven61187 (11:59:17 PM): and wishing more then anything that I could forget him
theatrewithtech (11:59:17 PM): not a cause
Raven61187 (11:59:32 PM): you are not a disease
theatrewithtech (11:59:42 PM): no, matt is
theatrewithtech (11:59:45 PM): im just a side effect.
Raven61187 (12:00:06 AM): you are an intelligent, humorous, sensitive boy who just needs so encouragement, support, and some direction
Raven61187 (12:00:18 AM): matt is not a disease
theatrewithtech (12:00:30 AM): ok, maybe not matt, but what he's going to you
Raven61187 (12:00:33 AM): matt gave me some experiences I always dreamed about
theatrewithtech (12:00:34 AM): and thank you
theatrewithtech (12:00:39 AM): doing to you*
Raven61187 (12:00:52 AM): matt isn't doing this to me, I do this to myself
Raven61187 (12:01:09 AM): because I loved him more then I had ever loved anyone else
theatrewithtech (12:01:15 AM): toe - ma - toe, to - mah - to
Raven61187 (12:01:20 AM): and it scared the shit out of me
theatrewithtech (12:01:27 AM): Yea
theatrewithtech (12:01:30 AM): it does that to people
Raven61187 (12:01:48 AM): and I pushed him away
theatrewithtech (12:02:00 AM): mm
Raven61187 (12:02:04 AM): and hurt him
theatrewithtech (12:02:12 AM): as you said
theatrewithtech (12:02:16 AM): the mistakes we must make, eh?
Raven61187 (12:02:59 AM): instead of just taking things one step at a time, instead of accepting what itn was he had to give knowing that it was just as hard for him to trust and let go of his fears as it was for me
Raven61187 (12:03:32 AM): if I could go back, I would have changed some of the things I said and did
Raven61187 (12:03:48 AM): but then I would not have the knowledge and experience about myself, men, and love that I have now
Raven61187 (12:03:53 AM): and it would fail again
theatrewithtech (12:03:57 AM): dont waste your time doing "what ifs"
theatrewithtech (12:04:07 AM): do "when it"
theatrewithtech (12:04:08 AM): s
Raven61187 (12:04:26 AM): so, I have to accept that he may not come back, if he doesn't it doesn't mean that he didn't love me, it just means that it wasn't meant to be
theatrewithtech (12:04:34 AM): right
Raven61187 (12:04:50 AM): but thats the rub
Raven61187 (12:05:20 AM): I wanted it to be, I still want it to be. I don't care if there is anyone else better then Matt. I don't want Matt to be just a lesson. I choose him
Raven61187 (12:05:42 AM): but he does not choose me and probibly never will
Raven61187 (12:05:48 AM): so I have to let go
Raven61187 (12:06:08 AM): and until I do and love myself again, if I ever loved myself at all, I can't do another relationship
Raven61187 (12:06:17 AM): for I still love Matt
theatrewithtech (12:06:19 AM): right.
theatrewithtech (12:06:27 AM): and i just avoid these situations all together
theatrewithtech (12:06:39 AM): untill it wont affect my school or career
theatrewithtech (12:06:48 AM): its too important to waste on a chance
theatrewithtech (12:06:59 AM): and thats what every relationship is
theatrewithtech (12:07:01 AM): a chance
theatrewithtech (12:07:02 AM): nothing more
Raven61187 (12:07:08 AM): and by avoiding, you are denieing yourself your life, the experiences that will help you to grow as a person, and you will not reflect
Raven61187 (12:07:20 AM): and until you do, you will never find peace
theatrewithtech (12:07:31 AM): pfff
theatrewithtech (12:07:32 AM): fuck that
theatrewithtech (12:07:41 AM): fuck that with a 10 ft rusty fire poker
theatrewithtech (12:07:53 AM): i refuse to believe that avoidance will hurt me
Raven61187 (12:07:57 AM): Once school is done, then I might concider a relationship. but I will have to be ready and over Matt
theatrewithtech (12:08:27 AM): that sentance is the reason im not "denying my self"
theatrewithtech (12:08:39 AM): it makes you do stupid things
theatrewithtech (12:08:44 AM): and stupid is not helpful to my life
theatrewithtech (12:08:47 AM): a career is
theatrewithtech (12:08:50 AM): money, is
theatrewithtech (12:08:54 AM): a home, is
theatrewithtech (12:08:56 AM): a man
theatrewithtech (12:08:56 AM): isnt
Raven61187 (12:09:09 AM): by denieing yourself experiences with men, you can only hope for an idea of the man of your dreams and not find what it is you like, don't like, can stand, can't stand, need, and want vs what you don't need and don't want
theatrewithtech (12:09:14 AM): fuck that
theatrewithtech (12:09:16 AM): ill wait
theatrewithtech (12:09:39 AM): and statistically, ill find someone eventually
theatrewithtech (12:09:52 AM): and im compfortable with that
Raven61187 (12:10:00 AM): but then your time with them will not be as long as you would like
theatrewithtech (12:10:10 AM): look at that sentance
theatrewithtech (12:10:14 AM): Who says i want it
theatrewithtech (12:10:14 AM): you
theatrewithtech (12:10:16 AM): not me
theatrewithtech (12:10:20 AM): i dont want it
Raven61187 (12:10:46 AM): well, thats jjust the way I feel. You decided for yourself what it is you want for yourself. you have that right, its your life
theatrewithtech (12:10:50 AM): exactly.
Raven61187 (12:11:16 AM): but, you have a lot to learn and experience is all I am saying. stupid? no. naive? a bit, but aren't we all?
theatrewithtech (12:11:53 AM): stupid, yes, naive, aboso-fuckin-lutely
theatrewithtech (12:12:06 AM): stupid because theres no way our actions can actually be informed
theatrewithtech (12:12:13 AM): ergo naive
Raven61187 (12:12:56 AM): that is why it is imporatnt to reflect
theatrewithtech (12:13:02 AM): mm
theatrewithtech (12:13:06 AM): i hate to cut this short
theatrewithtech (12:13:10 AM): but i have class at 10
theatrewithtech (12:13:13 AM): and its 12:15 now
theatrewithtech (12:13:29 AM): have a good night
Raven61187 (12:13:30 AM): that mirror I talk about that I hate and want to smash at times, is also a very powerful tool. use yours to empower your life
theatrewithtech (12:13:36 AM): ill try.
Raven61187 (12:13:38 AM): good night
theatrewithtech signed off at 12:13:44 AM.
theatrewithtech is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in
theatrewithtech (10:56:55 PM): Hello
Raven61187 (10:57:05 PM): how are you?
theatrewithtech (10:57:23 PM): I'm well. Somewhat worn out from the weekend of doing nothing
Raven61187 (10:57:31 PM): oh
Raven61187 (10:57:32 PM): well
Raven61187 (10:57:39 PM): I wanted to say something to you
theatrewithtech (10:57:44 PM): shoot
Raven61187 (10:57:57 PM): I wanted to say that I'm sorry for freaking out the last time we talked
theatrewithtech (10:58:08 PM): i hardly think you need to apologize
theatrewithtech (10:58:16 PM): its alright, i kind of get it
theatrewithtech (10:58:20 PM): i kind of freaked out too
Raven61187 (10:58:22 PM): I know your in a vulnerable phase of transition
theatrewithtech (10:58:29 PM): mm, yea well
Raven61187 (10:58:43 PM): and you got a lot on your mind and not much experience to really know what it is you want
theatrewithtech (10:58:58 PM): mm
Raven61187 (10:59:07 PM): and it was wrong of me to push you like that
Raven61187 (10:59:17 PM): however, I would like to remain friends
Raven61187 (10:59:20 PM): but
Raven61187 (10:59:27 PM): I'm leaving it up to you
theatrewithtech (10:59:31 PM): right
theatrewithtech (10:59:37 PM): lets stay friendly
theatrewithtech (10:59:43 PM): lets be nice to each other
theatrewithtech (10:59:50 PM): and lets not freak out lol....
theatrewithtech (10:59:59 PM): i think that would be better for the both of us, mm?
Raven61187 (11:00:13 PM): are you being scarcastic or are you serious?
theatrewithtech (11:00:20 PM): pardon, I'm serious
Raven61187 (11:00:36 PM): ok, just checking cause you don't get tone of voice or facial expressions online
Raven61187 (11:01:03 PM): which is part of the reason why it gets easy to take things the wrong way
theatrewithtech (11:01:11 PM): right, yea, i know
theatrewithtech (11:01:25 PM): i have the same exact issue with online
theatrewithtech (11:01:37 PM): it leaves my otherwise rampant mind to beleive the worst
Raven61187 (11:01:46 PM): I hear that
theatrewithtech (11:01:50 PM): so
theatrewithtech (11:01:59 PM): i cant help but notice you freaked out last time
theatrewithtech (11:02:02 PM): and not just a little
theatrewithtech (11:02:06 PM): but like alot
Raven61187 (11:02:09 PM): yes
Raven61187 (11:02:46 PM): I don't mean this to excuse my actions, but I've been under a lot of stress and pressure. I had to drop my geography class cause it was just too much on top of everything else
Raven61187 (11:03:19 PM): I can take it another semester, or just forget the social studies component of my middle school endorsement if I want to. I really want to teach english, not american history
Raven61187 (11:03:28 PM): though modern american history would be nice
theatrewithtech (11:03:53 PM): i kind of got the feeling that you just wanted something to be nice and easy
theatrewithtech (11:04:02 PM): and that you felt i wasnt making that easy for you
Raven61187 (11:04:29 PM): yeah
Raven61187 (11:04:31 PM): plus
Raven61187 (11:04:39 PM): people have been taking advantage of me lately
theatrewithtech (11:04:45 PM): lately?
Raven61187 (11:04:47 PM): and I'm getting sick of it
theatrewithtech (11:04:48 PM): dont you mean in general?
theatrewithtech (11:04:53 PM): not to be blunt or rude
Raven61187 (11:05:26 PM): so I'm starting to put my foot down more and I hold back so much anger that sometimes, I've been getting carried away, which isn't helping me with being sick with a virus that they're not sure what it is
theatrewithtech (11:05:34 PM): right
Raven61187 (11:05:55 PM): and, I don't like to fight
Raven61187 (11:06:05 PM): especially with people I care about
theatrewithtech (11:06:10 PM): right.
theatrewithtech (11:06:23 PM): well, who does
Raven61187 (11:07:37 PM): plus
Raven61187 (11:07:44 PM): I've been missing Matt lately
Raven61187 (11:08:03 PM): and, I would really like a male friend. Not a boyfriend, just a friend
Raven61187 (11:08:27 PM): like a friend with bennifits type of deal
Raven61187 (11:08:42 PM): and you are the only guy that I feel comfortable with that with
theatrewithtech (11:08:57 PM): how flattering, and in stark constrast into what you were saying
theatrewithtech (11:09:01 PM): to*
Raven61187 (11:09:02 PM): and.... the only problem is that both of us like each other more then we like to admit
theatrewithtech (11:09:25 PM): what was all that buisness about tristians apparently less than flattering remarks about me
Raven61187 (11:09:40 PM): he's jealous of you
theatrewithtech (11:09:49 PM): oh im sure, but he barely knows me
theatrewithtech (11:09:51 PM): or so i thouhgt
theatrewithtech (11:09:53 PM): thought*
Raven61187 (11:10:06 PM): hell, one night when he came over and he saw your pics on my computer, he was like "well, I have you now"
Raven61187 (11:10:23 PM): he is another one who likes me more then he likes to admit
Raven61187 (11:10:37 PM): but he is afraid to lose the friendship that we have managed to maintain all these years
Raven61187 (11:10:51 PM): its like, I'm his back up if there is no one else
Raven61187 (11:10:55 PM): and he is mine
theatrewithtech (11:11:03 PM): how dark.
Raven61187 (11:11:32 PM): but.... I would rather just say fuck it and be together.... but he is too afraid to lose me
Raven61187 (11:11:54 PM): so of course, when there is another guy in the picture, no matter what the situation, he gets jealous
Raven61187 (11:12:05 PM): and when I give in to him, he pulls away
Raven61187 (11:12:28 PM): he's jealous of you
Raven61187 (11:12:39 PM): cause he feels threatened
Raven61187 (11:13:09 PM): however, I will always have a special place in my heart for tristan
Raven61187 (11:13:21 PM): our relationship is much more complicated then people can understand
Raven61187 (11:13:33 PM): but, we have our karmic debt to pay to each other
Raven61187 (11:13:53 PM): and as for you
Raven61187 (11:14:26 PM): there is something between us that we can not denie, but at the same time we both know that now is not a good time for either of us to get involved with a relationship
Raven61187 (11:14:37 PM): so, why not leave it to friendship
Raven61187 (11:14:58 PM): if something happens later on down the line, great, but I'm not looking for it. what will be will be
theatrewithtech (11:15:08 PM): indeed
theatrewithtech (11:15:17 PM): so you managed to avoid my question, in all of that
Raven61187 (11:15:26 PM): I was hurt
Raven61187 (11:15:36 PM): because tristan talked shit about you and I defended you
Raven61187 (11:15:57 PM): and in that convo, I felt like you were proving me to be wrong about you
Raven61187 (11:16:10 PM): but, I was over reacting
theatrewithtech (11:16:18 PM): alright, but you've still managed to not answer my question
Raven61187 (11:16:25 PM): what question?
theatrewithtech (11:16:28 PM): what did he say?
theatrewithtech (11:16:34 PM): (yes, im that insecure)
Raven61187 (11:17:19 PM): a bunch of bullshit. If you really want to know, I'll tell you honestly, but don't take it too much to heart
theatrewithtech (11:17:29 PM): I will, make no mistake
theatrewithtech (11:17:51 PM): I'm more curious not that he said it, but who told him, because he doesnt know me at al
theatrewithtech (11:18:01 PM): Its the fact that I have a "rep", so to speak
Raven61187 (11:18:02 PM): first, he said that in school, you had no friends because you were arrgant and thought you were better then everyone else and that you were fucked up
theatrewithtech (11:18:12 PM): Well, thats pretty accurate
theatrewithtech (11:18:20 PM): Actually, spot on
theatrewithtech (11:18:44 PM): I dont care about that so much, I was in a different place then
theatrewithtech (11:18:56 PM): Different attitude, different feelings, different outlook
Raven61187 (11:19:11 PM): and that you used to sing songs from phantom of the opra, cause it was your favorite musical, and people used to laugh at you, "hows broadway."
theatrewithtech (11:19:38 PM): Thats funny, because thats not me you're talking about
theatrewithtech (11:19:44 PM): There were two michaels
Raven61187 (11:19:47 PM): I told him that him and his friends were mean, it was something that made you happy and that you were just misunderstood
theatrewithtech (11:20:00 PM): ^^ Read what I said
theatrewithtech (11:20:06 PM): There was me and then there was broadway
Raven61187 (11:20:46 PM): I also told him that I used to sing funny songs in school too and people laughed at me and thought I was weird, but I did it to make people laugh, as well as laugh at the humor in them myself cause I was always depressed and hated being a drag
theatrewithtech (11:21:15 PM): Well, I wasnt that kid
theatrewithtech (11:21:42 PM): He has me confused with the other michael, which is amusing enough. I'd be more curious if it was an intentional confusing
Raven61187 (11:21:48 PM): well, even i you were, I didn't judge you too harshy and regardless of what tristan says, I follow my gut instincts and see you in a different way
Raven61187 (11:22:08 PM): most of what he was saying was out of jealousy, I know him too well to take everything he says seriously
theatrewithtech (11:22:30 PM): an interesting thing for you to know
Raven61187 (11:23:06 PM): I understand Tristan's jealousy
Raven61187 (11:23:21 PM): hence why I can deal with it
Raven61187 (11:23:51 PM): there is one thing I have given him that no other man can
Raven61187 (11:24:06 PM): what he desires most of all
Raven61187 (11:24:13 PM): everlasting love
Raven61187 (11:24:37 PM): because to me, that is the only pure form of love
theatrewithtech (11:24:51 PM): its a pipedream
theatrewithtech (11:24:56 PM): (not to be a kiljoy)
Raven61187 (11:24:57 PM): once I love a guy, its forever. I can say goodbye when I'm mistreated and abused
Raven61187 (11:25:05 PM): like with Brennan
Raven61187 (11:25:13 PM): but a part of me will always love him
Raven61187 (11:25:25 PM): same with Matt
Raven61187 (11:25:38 PM): but I love them all for different reasons
Raven61187 (11:25:49 PM): and what I want is a guy who encompasses it all
Raven61187 (11:26:02 PM): that, I believe, is the real pipedream
theatrewithtech (11:26:05 PM): you'll never have that
theatrewithtech (11:26:09 PM): yea, absolutely
theatrewithtech (11:26:18 PM): its a self-destructive concept
Raven61187 (11:26:32 PM): finding a life partner comes down to someone who can stand you and who you yourself can stand
theatrewithtech (11:26:54 PM): if thats what you want, then every relationship you have you want to have those things, and its almost as if they have to live up t you
theatrewithtech (11:26:56 PM): to*
Raven61187 (11:27:18 PM): and that is why setteling is wrong. I settled with Brennan, and Matt
Raven61187 (11:27:22 PM): and got burned both times
Raven61187 (11:27:38 PM): I didn't settle with Tristan, it happened because it was supposed to happen
Raven61187 (11:27:48 PM): there is a spiritual connection between us
theatrewithtech (11:27:58 PM): i feel we have a very strong difference of opinions about this
Raven61187 (11:28:17 PM): and with each guy I get involved with, my expecations get higher
Raven61187 (11:29:05 PM): and so I need to love myself and let love come to me. I will no longer be the first one to open up, say I love you, or anything else, because I need to know that what I'm feeling is truly recipricated
theatrewithtech (11:29:19 PM): but thats an expectation
Raven61187 (11:29:52 PM): which is why I am not ready for a relationship at this point in time
Raven61187 (11:29:59 PM): besides being busy, and poor
Raven61187 (11:30:48 PM): and my point the other night was that I'm not asking for a relationship, and I don't want to get too attached either. but I would like to be friends because there is something between us that neither one of us can denie and I already care about you
Raven61187 (11:31:09 PM): but, you will need to learn your own lessons on your own, in your own time
Raven61187 (11:31:20 PM): and so, it is in that way I can detach
theatrewithtech (11:31:20 PM): i think one of the key differences between us is that i detach my self blatenly
theatrewithtech (11:31:30 PM): and harshly, quite frankly
Raven61187 (11:31:42 PM): yes, but I understand why
theatrewithtech (11:31:43 PM): because i dont want to do that
theatrewithtech (11:32:34 PM): sigh
theatrewithtech (11:32:46 PM): i know you have a very pagan mentality about things
theatrewithtech (11:33:21 PM): but, quite frankly, i completely refuse fate
theatrewithtech (11:33:34 PM): and i dont think ive been clear on that, i just wanted to put it out there
Raven61187 (11:33:42 PM): we choose our destinies
theatrewithtech (11:33:52 PM): we MAKE our destines
theatrewithtech (11:34:00 PM): we can choose things till the cows come home
theatrewithtech (11:34:05 PM): we DO our destinies
theatrewithtech (11:34:17 PM): if, thats the word you want to use
Raven61187 (11:34:34 PM): but you can not denie that we each have our own lessons that we must learn in our own time. Whether that is in one lifetime, or multiple life times, depedning on what you believe
Raven61187 (11:34:51 PM): but in order to do, we must first make a choice
theatrewithtech (11:34:57 PM): I hardly deny it, i just don't believe its predestined
theatrewithtech (11:35:46 PM): or, for that matter, relevant
theatrewithtech (11:35:53 PM): cosmically speaking
Raven61187 (11:36:05 PM): I don't mean to discredit your beliefs, but I believe that we are all one and are an aspect of the creator force. Thus, we choose the lives we will live before we are born
theatrewithtech (11:36:32 PM): Thats the difference between you and I
Raven61187 (11:37:00 PM): deity isn't an outside force, deity is everything, atleast it exists in humanity, perhaps it is only an idea, but life is short, you gotta live it to its fullest
Raven61187 (11:37:05 PM): and that means taking risks
theatrewithtech (11:37:12 PM): i cant believe that
theatrewithtech (11:37:18 PM): I refuse to, steadfastly
theatrewithtech (11:37:30 PM): and i appreciate thats what you think, i just dont
Raven61187 (11:37:41 PM): I didn't swallow that right away either
Raven61187 (11:37:53 PM): there are a lot fo experiences I wouldn't have choosen
theatrewithtech (11:38:17 PM): oh, im sure, but thats not where i am in my life, and if that makes me close minded, so be it
Raven61187 (11:38:22 PM): however, looking back, I can see the postive, as well as the negative, and I wouldn't be who I am today without the things I've lived through
theatrewithtech (11:38:33 PM): i just will not, shall not, can not, will never not in no circumstances believe that
theatrewithtech (11:38:42 PM): in no uncertain terms.
Raven61187 (11:38:50 PM): and though I am hard on myself, I am at heart a good person and I have a loit to share with the world, of which I do everyday
theatrewithtech (11:38:57 PM): Oh, im sure
Raven61187 (11:39:11 PM): and the same is true of others
theatrewithtech (11:39:16 PM): perhaps.
Raven61187 (11:39:36 PM): but there has to be evil where there is good to balence things out, which is why things are not black or white, they are grey
theatrewithtech (11:39:56 PM): i know thats what you beleive
theatrewithtech (11:39:59 PM): but i just cant
theatrewithtech (11:40:06 PM): its just silly to even contemplate
theatrewithtech (11:40:20 PM): the notion that an unseen force balances everything fairly indefinately
theatrewithtech (11:40:23 PM): its just madness
Raven61187 (11:40:31 PM): "I've run through rainbows and castles of candy, and I've creid a river of tears from the pain. I try to dance with what life has to hand me, and if I could I'd do it all over again."
theatrewithtech (11:40:47 PM): and thats beautifull, and literally its a wonderful device
Raven61187 (11:40:49 PM): the end justifies the means
theatrewithtech (11:40:50 PM): its just wrong
Raven61187 (11:40:59 PM): sure, I have regrets
Raven61187 (11:41:46 PM): but, would I change my life? I may like to in some areas, but then would I still be the same person?
theatrewithtech (11:42:09 PM): you're being too abstract
theatrewithtech (11:42:15 PM): the reality is you live as you are now
theatrewithtech (11:42:56 PM): and all of your actions have since been your own, in a capacity that is completely naive of the grand scheme of things, and could not and will not ever understand things correctly
theatrewithtech (11:42:59 PM): and so are mine
Raven61187 (11:43:17 PM): but who you are now has been conditioned by the social, cultural discourse that you were born into and the experiences you have had
Raven61187 (11:43:34 PM): but you can not control everything
theatrewithtech (11:43:34 PM): the reality is that there is such a remotely absurd chance of actually understanding what the hell is going on, that id rather just say "hang the sense of it" and live my life
Raven61187 (11:43:58 PM): and if that works for you, thats fine
theatrewithtech (11:44:06 PM): well, it doesnt
theatrewithtech (11:44:12 PM): and theres where it all falls down
theatrewithtech (11:44:22 PM): but i couldnt live in any other capacity
Raven61187 (11:44:33 PM): everyone has his or her own truths, there is no absolute truth
Raven61187 (11:45:05 PM): that is why it is important to find the truth within you, and make time to reflect
Raven61187 (11:45:32 PM): "Peace comes from within, do not seek it without. All is temporary." ~ Buddah
theatrewithtech (11:45:55 PM): its funny you quote the buddah, considering your almost completely opposite mentality
Raven61187 (11:47:33 PM): I know I sound like a walking contradiction
Raven61187 (11:47:56 PM): but, this is why I am not ready for another relationship at this point in time
Raven61187 (11:48:26 PM): because, like tristan, I want a love that is true and everlasting
Raven61187 (11:48:36 PM): I want someone I can share my life with and grow old with
Raven61187 (11:48:56 PM): because I fear being alone, dieing alone
theatrewithtech (11:49:08 PM): i think everyone fears that
Raven61187 (11:49:24 PM): but there is no need to be afraid of being alone
Raven61187 (11:49:29 PM): if you love yourself
Raven61187 (11:49:42 PM): which is why I tell you never give up on yourself
Raven61187 (11:50:35 PM): because I see in you the insecurity, self-doubt, and pain that I can relate to when I'm in my "dark desperate hours that nobody sees."
Raven61187 (11:51:00 PM): and you can go far if you trust yourself
Raven61187 (11:51:05 PM): believe in yourself
Raven61187 (11:51:13 PM): and make your dreams your destiny
Raven61187 (11:51:28 PM): sometimes it helps to know that someone does believe in you
Raven61187 (11:51:49 PM): and no matter what happens between you and I, I will always believe in your capabilities
theatrewithtech (11:52:23 PM): well, thats kind of you
theatrewithtech (11:52:29 PM): it does mean something
Raven61187 (11:53:18 PM): I'm not saying that all your dreams will come true, nor am I saying that fairy tales are real
Raven61187 (11:53:31 PM): but, focus on what is important to you
Raven61187 (11:53:49 PM): find yourself, accept yourself, love yourself, and believe in yourself
Raven61187 (11:54:31 PM): and know that atleast one person believes that you can make your dreams a reality
Raven61187 (11:54:51 PM): and if one person can believe that, so can others
Raven61187 (11:55:02 PM): so, why not you too?
theatrewithtech (11:55:22 PM): right
Raven61187 (11:56:27 PM): the problem with me is that I have trouble setting limits
Raven61187 (11:56:32 PM): and forget that I am human
theatrewithtech (11:56:38 PM): admitably
Raven61187 (11:57:07 PM): but, I am working on setting limits and for me, setting limits with you is a step for me
Raven61187 (11:57:43 PM): I am not attached to the point where you have become my world
Raven61187 (11:58:42 PM): but I will admit, I have become attached to the point where I actually care. And I know you don't want that, but I do. I care that you are happy, safe, and that you succeed in all you do, the way a friend would
Raven61187 (11:59:04 PM): I'm not up at night worrying about you. Instead, I'm up at night crying my eyes out over Matt'
theatrewithtech (11:59:11 PM): right
theatrewithtech (11:59:16 PM): i was a sideeffect
Raven61187 (11:59:17 PM): and wishing more then anything that I could forget him
theatrewithtech (11:59:17 PM): not a cause
Raven61187 (11:59:32 PM): you are not a disease
theatrewithtech (11:59:42 PM): no, matt is
theatrewithtech (11:59:45 PM): im just a side effect.
Raven61187 (12:00:06 AM): you are an intelligent, humorous, sensitive boy who just needs so encouragement, support, and some direction
Raven61187 (12:00:18 AM): matt is not a disease
theatrewithtech (12:00:30 AM): ok, maybe not matt, but what he's going to you
Raven61187 (12:00:33 AM): matt gave me some experiences I always dreamed about
theatrewithtech (12:00:34 AM): and thank you
theatrewithtech (12:00:39 AM): doing to you*
Raven61187 (12:00:52 AM): matt isn't doing this to me, I do this to myself
Raven61187 (12:01:09 AM): because I loved him more then I had ever loved anyone else
theatrewithtech (12:01:15 AM): toe - ma - toe, to - mah - to
Raven61187 (12:01:20 AM): and it scared the shit out of me
theatrewithtech (12:01:27 AM): Yea
theatrewithtech (12:01:30 AM): it does that to people
Raven61187 (12:01:48 AM): and I pushed him away
theatrewithtech (12:02:00 AM): mm
Raven61187 (12:02:04 AM): and hurt him
theatrewithtech (12:02:12 AM): as you said
theatrewithtech (12:02:16 AM): the mistakes we must make, eh?
Raven61187 (12:02:59 AM): instead of just taking things one step at a time, instead of accepting what itn was he had to give knowing that it was just as hard for him to trust and let go of his fears as it was for me
Raven61187 (12:03:32 AM): if I could go back, I would have changed some of the things I said and did
Raven61187 (12:03:48 AM): but then I would not have the knowledge and experience about myself, men, and love that I have now
Raven61187 (12:03:53 AM): and it would fail again
theatrewithtech (12:03:57 AM): dont waste your time doing "what ifs"
theatrewithtech (12:04:07 AM): do "when it"
theatrewithtech (12:04:08 AM): s
Raven61187 (12:04:26 AM): so, I have to accept that he may not come back, if he doesn't it doesn't mean that he didn't love me, it just means that it wasn't meant to be
theatrewithtech (12:04:34 AM): right
Raven61187 (12:04:50 AM): but thats the rub
Raven61187 (12:05:20 AM): I wanted it to be, I still want it to be. I don't care if there is anyone else better then Matt. I don't want Matt to be just a lesson. I choose him
Raven61187 (12:05:42 AM): but he does not choose me and probibly never will
Raven61187 (12:05:48 AM): so I have to let go
Raven61187 (12:06:08 AM): and until I do and love myself again, if I ever loved myself at all, I can't do another relationship
Raven61187 (12:06:17 AM): for I still love Matt
theatrewithtech (12:06:19 AM): right.
theatrewithtech (12:06:27 AM): and i just avoid these situations all together
theatrewithtech (12:06:39 AM): untill it wont affect my school or career
theatrewithtech (12:06:48 AM): its too important to waste on a chance
theatrewithtech (12:06:59 AM): and thats what every relationship is
theatrewithtech (12:07:01 AM): a chance
theatrewithtech (12:07:02 AM): nothing more
Raven61187 (12:07:08 AM): and by avoiding, you are denieing yourself your life, the experiences that will help you to grow as a person, and you will not reflect
Raven61187 (12:07:20 AM): and until you do, you will never find peace
theatrewithtech (12:07:31 AM): pfff
theatrewithtech (12:07:32 AM): fuck that
theatrewithtech (12:07:41 AM): fuck that with a 10 ft rusty fire poker
theatrewithtech (12:07:53 AM): i refuse to believe that avoidance will hurt me
Raven61187 (12:07:57 AM): Once school is done, then I might concider a relationship. but I will have to be ready and over Matt
theatrewithtech (12:08:27 AM): that sentance is the reason im not "denying my self"
theatrewithtech (12:08:39 AM): it makes you do stupid things
theatrewithtech (12:08:44 AM): and stupid is not helpful to my life
theatrewithtech (12:08:47 AM): a career is
theatrewithtech (12:08:50 AM): money, is
theatrewithtech (12:08:54 AM): a home, is
theatrewithtech (12:08:56 AM): a man
theatrewithtech (12:08:56 AM): isnt
Raven61187 (12:09:09 AM): by denieing yourself experiences with men, you can only hope for an idea of the man of your dreams and not find what it is you like, don't like, can stand, can't stand, need, and want vs what you don't need and don't want
theatrewithtech (12:09:14 AM): fuck that
theatrewithtech (12:09:16 AM): ill wait
theatrewithtech (12:09:39 AM): and statistically, ill find someone eventually
theatrewithtech (12:09:52 AM): and im compfortable with that
Raven61187 (12:10:00 AM): but then your time with them will not be as long as you would like
theatrewithtech (12:10:10 AM): look at that sentance
theatrewithtech (12:10:14 AM): Who says i want it
theatrewithtech (12:10:14 AM): you
theatrewithtech (12:10:16 AM): not me
theatrewithtech (12:10:20 AM): i dont want it
Raven61187 (12:10:46 AM): well, thats jjust the way I feel. You decided for yourself what it is you want for yourself. you have that right, its your life
theatrewithtech (12:10:50 AM): exactly.
Raven61187 (12:11:16 AM): but, you have a lot to learn and experience is all I am saying. stupid? no. naive? a bit, but aren't we all?
theatrewithtech (12:11:53 AM): stupid, yes, naive, aboso-fuckin-lutely
theatrewithtech (12:12:06 AM): stupid because theres no way our actions can actually be informed
theatrewithtech (12:12:13 AM): ergo naive
Raven61187 (12:12:56 AM): that is why it is imporatnt to reflect
theatrewithtech (12:13:02 AM): mm
theatrewithtech (12:13:06 AM): i hate to cut this short
theatrewithtech (12:13:10 AM): but i have class at 10
theatrewithtech (12:13:13 AM): and its 12:15 now
theatrewithtech (12:13:29 AM): have a good night
Raven61187 (12:13:30 AM): that mirror I talk about that I hate and want to smash at times, is also a very powerful tool. use yours to empower your life
theatrewithtech (12:13:36 AM): ill try.
Raven61187 (12:13:38 AM): good night
theatrewithtech signed off at 12:13:44 AM.
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