Roses and Daffodils
Its been over two months since Matt left and slowly, I'm letting him go. Every now and then, I break down and cry, especially at night when my arms ache to hold him close. But the crying is slowly becoming less often. Everyday, he's on my mind and I tell myself that theres no sense in dwelling on the past. Its over. Nothing I can say or do can make up for what I've done.
I had to take him off my myspace, along with his friends. I just can't stand seeing his picture, hearing the music on his page that is so full of anger and pain. I tried reaching out to him but he doesn't want to talk to me. He wants nothing to do with me, and I don't blame him for that. I changed my aim screen name and didn't add him to my buddylist. The temptation to IM him when he's online is too strong for me to resist. I tried apologizing to Jenn, but that only pissed her off and probibly pissed Matt off as well. There are a lot of things I've said and done that I regret and no matter how much I wish I could go back in time and make things right, I can't. Time moves forward.
Slowly, I've been accepting that I have to let him go. For awhile, I didn't want to. I clung desperately to the hope that somehow, someway, we could work things out. But, its too late. Reflecting on the past, I realized that many things both Matt and Jenn said were right. I didn't respect Matt's space and posting blogs on myspace didn't respect his privacy. So, I changed all my blogs about him to private and haven't written one since.
Why am I writing now? It's because thats what I am, a writer. I find meaning in everything and find solace in expressing myself through the written word. Its my way of dealing with the loss without relying on random hookups to numb away the pain; what you would call a positive coping mechanism. I don't want another man to touch me. My heart belongs to a man who doesn't want it anymore and I don't want to hurt anyone. I write these words down here hoping for closure and I hope that Matt won't read them. It seems all I do is hurt him.
If you love something or someone, you have to set it free. And so, I am letting Matt be free. He won't come back, not even as a friend. I don't hold any anger towards him now. I don't want to remember him that way. In loving Matt, I was losing myself. I was so overwhelmed by so many thoughts, fears and emotions and my continuous outburts made him feel trapped. I felt a spark between us and had hoped in time it would grow. He held back in a lot of ways and words but he did it because he was afraid as well. When his walls were beginning to crumble, I was too blinded by everything to embrace his love. He's right, I made things all about me. It wasn't that I didn't care about him, I did and still do emensly. Sometimes, its just hard to show someone how much you care when your so overwhelemed that you don't even recognize yourself. Over time, I became someone I didn't like or know and now I'm slowly coming back to myself. For awhile, I was driving myself crazy with grief. There is still some sadness left in me now, but I am taking things one step at a time. It will take time for me to fully heal, but in that time, I am learning to let go of the pain of the past and becoming more grounded in the person I am and who I strive to be. School, family, and friends, have been a saving grace for me. I appreciate that more then ever now.
I believe Buddha said it best. "Everything in life is temporary. Peace comes from within, do not seek it without. In form there is emptiness, in emptiness there is form." Like a vessel, I am slowly letting my anguish seep out from me, back to the universe with harm to none. However, when you tip a vessel, some of the water remains and that is true with me as well. I will always love Matt and remember him for the person he shared with me, the person he is. Though he is full of pride and will defend himself no matter what the cost, it is all a protective agent. He is deep and sensitive, I felt that in my heart ever since the first day we met, I saw it in his eyes. He may seem strong because he always had to be, but he is harmless. He is a good friend with a kind and caring heart and sometimes its difficult balencing everything and everyone to remember everything. This is something I know too well. I wanted so much to give Matt whatever he needed or wanted, but juggeling everything myself took its toll. I look back and think about how I had wanted for us to share more intimacy, more romantic moments, passion and I see now that I went about cultivating that with him in all the wrong ways. I gave him roses as a symbol of true love that is meant to be, hoping that he would understand that I do trust him, I do believe in him. But I stumbled at his anger, his defenses. I didn't want everything to be an arguement, but I was not strong enough to handle his defenses. He was hurt by the roses, seeing them as something I had wanted. I've been thinking about what his favorite flower could be. His symbol is the pheonix, and so it would have to be an annual. His personality reflects strength, warmth and friendship, so the flower would have to be yellow. He desires a love that exhibits respect, trust and honesty. I am not certain, but I believe his favorite flower is the daffodil.
I thought maybe after a month of no contact had passed that I would have a bouquet of daffodils anonymously sent to his apartment. No words to muck things up, just the flowers. I want to show him that although I am letting go, I will always love him and value his friendship even now that he is gone. I want to show him that I do care and although I may not know him completely, I do know him well enough to figure out his favorite flower on my own. I still want to make things up to him and forgive him for all the things he said and did that I took too personally. But he would not see my true intentions in the flowers, even if I am right in believing his favorite is the daffodil. Instead, he would see it as an act of disrespect for his space and a pathetic attempt to continue clinging to him even after months have passed. It would anger him and hurt him. Besides, it also might set off another allergic reaction with his room mate. I don't want to cause him any more pain and suffering.
And so, with this entry, I am saying goodbye to him. I will always be there for him should he ever need me or wish to return as a friend. But if he does decide that he wants to talk to me again, he will have to do that on his own terms in his own time. If he does not return at all, ever, then I must learn to be content with that. I wanted to believe so much that we were meant to be. In so many ways, Matt was everything I wanted and as my feelings grew, I became scared. Perhaps, it was my intuition warning me that it wasn't meant to last forever. Perhaps, we don't have a soul mate that we are destined to spend eternity with. We create our own destinies and find our purpose in each lifetime we live. In each lifetime, we learn and grow. I have learned a lot about myself and love through my mistakes. Loving Matt wasn't a mistake, but I have to accept that our relationship was only temporary. I hope he finds happiness and peace and that he can learn to love again, even if it is not with me.
As for myself, I will return to my spiritual roots. In time, I will learn to love myself again, if I ever loved myself at all. Perhaps my ideas of love are nothing more then fairy tales and when the time is right, perhaps I will be able to love again and will not fear it because I will love myself. When I cursed Brennan all those years ago, I cursed myself and thus have hurt Matt when all I wanted was to love him, know him, and give him the world. I got over the feelings I had for Brennan long before Matt came into my life. But I never forgot the pain. I must let go of all the pain and suffering I have been inflicted with by love. I must let go of the past and embrace the present. I surrender myself to the Goddess now.
Holy mother, heal me. Cleanse me of all negativity and fear and release me from the thorns of the past. Release Brennan and Matt from the chains I have placed upon them. Fill me with light and love and may I find peace within myself. Rhiannon, I bless you for all of your gifts and sanctity. I ask that in return that I may be blessed as well. Give me strength to let go and find love within myself so that I am free from pain and free to love again when the time is right, harming none.
Blessed Be.
I had to take him off my myspace, along with his friends. I just can't stand seeing his picture, hearing the music on his page that is so full of anger and pain. I tried reaching out to him but he doesn't want to talk to me. He wants nothing to do with me, and I don't blame him for that. I changed my aim screen name and didn't add him to my buddylist. The temptation to IM him when he's online is too strong for me to resist. I tried apologizing to Jenn, but that only pissed her off and probibly pissed Matt off as well. There are a lot of things I've said and done that I regret and no matter how much I wish I could go back in time and make things right, I can't. Time moves forward.
Slowly, I've been accepting that I have to let him go. For awhile, I didn't want to. I clung desperately to the hope that somehow, someway, we could work things out. But, its too late. Reflecting on the past, I realized that many things both Matt and Jenn said were right. I didn't respect Matt's space and posting blogs on myspace didn't respect his privacy. So, I changed all my blogs about him to private and haven't written one since.
Why am I writing now? It's because thats what I am, a writer. I find meaning in everything and find solace in expressing myself through the written word. Its my way of dealing with the loss without relying on random hookups to numb away the pain; what you would call a positive coping mechanism. I don't want another man to touch me. My heart belongs to a man who doesn't want it anymore and I don't want to hurt anyone. I write these words down here hoping for closure and I hope that Matt won't read them. It seems all I do is hurt him.
If you love something or someone, you have to set it free. And so, I am letting Matt be free. He won't come back, not even as a friend. I don't hold any anger towards him now. I don't want to remember him that way. In loving Matt, I was losing myself. I was so overwhelmed by so many thoughts, fears and emotions and my continuous outburts made him feel trapped. I felt a spark between us and had hoped in time it would grow. He held back in a lot of ways and words but he did it because he was afraid as well. When his walls were beginning to crumble, I was too blinded by everything to embrace his love. He's right, I made things all about me. It wasn't that I didn't care about him, I did and still do emensly. Sometimes, its just hard to show someone how much you care when your so overwhelemed that you don't even recognize yourself. Over time, I became someone I didn't like or know and now I'm slowly coming back to myself. For awhile, I was driving myself crazy with grief. There is still some sadness left in me now, but I am taking things one step at a time. It will take time for me to fully heal, but in that time, I am learning to let go of the pain of the past and becoming more grounded in the person I am and who I strive to be. School, family, and friends, have been a saving grace for me. I appreciate that more then ever now.
I believe Buddha said it best. "Everything in life is temporary. Peace comes from within, do not seek it without. In form there is emptiness, in emptiness there is form." Like a vessel, I am slowly letting my anguish seep out from me, back to the universe with harm to none. However, when you tip a vessel, some of the water remains and that is true with me as well. I will always love Matt and remember him for the person he shared with me, the person he is. Though he is full of pride and will defend himself no matter what the cost, it is all a protective agent. He is deep and sensitive, I felt that in my heart ever since the first day we met, I saw it in his eyes. He may seem strong because he always had to be, but he is harmless. He is a good friend with a kind and caring heart and sometimes its difficult balencing everything and everyone to remember everything. This is something I know too well. I wanted so much to give Matt whatever he needed or wanted, but juggeling everything myself took its toll. I look back and think about how I had wanted for us to share more intimacy, more romantic moments, passion and I see now that I went about cultivating that with him in all the wrong ways. I gave him roses as a symbol of true love that is meant to be, hoping that he would understand that I do trust him, I do believe in him. But I stumbled at his anger, his defenses. I didn't want everything to be an arguement, but I was not strong enough to handle his defenses. He was hurt by the roses, seeing them as something I had wanted. I've been thinking about what his favorite flower could be. His symbol is the pheonix, and so it would have to be an annual. His personality reflects strength, warmth and friendship, so the flower would have to be yellow. He desires a love that exhibits respect, trust and honesty. I am not certain, but I believe his favorite flower is the daffodil.
I thought maybe after a month of no contact had passed that I would have a bouquet of daffodils anonymously sent to his apartment. No words to muck things up, just the flowers. I want to show him that although I am letting go, I will always love him and value his friendship even now that he is gone. I want to show him that I do care and although I may not know him completely, I do know him well enough to figure out his favorite flower on my own. I still want to make things up to him and forgive him for all the things he said and did that I took too personally. But he would not see my true intentions in the flowers, even if I am right in believing his favorite is the daffodil. Instead, he would see it as an act of disrespect for his space and a pathetic attempt to continue clinging to him even after months have passed. It would anger him and hurt him. Besides, it also might set off another allergic reaction with his room mate. I don't want to cause him any more pain and suffering.
And so, with this entry, I am saying goodbye to him. I will always be there for him should he ever need me or wish to return as a friend. But if he does decide that he wants to talk to me again, he will have to do that on his own terms in his own time. If he does not return at all, ever, then I must learn to be content with that. I wanted to believe so much that we were meant to be. In so many ways, Matt was everything I wanted and as my feelings grew, I became scared. Perhaps, it was my intuition warning me that it wasn't meant to last forever. Perhaps, we don't have a soul mate that we are destined to spend eternity with. We create our own destinies and find our purpose in each lifetime we live. In each lifetime, we learn and grow. I have learned a lot about myself and love through my mistakes. Loving Matt wasn't a mistake, but I have to accept that our relationship was only temporary. I hope he finds happiness and peace and that he can learn to love again, even if it is not with me.
As for myself, I will return to my spiritual roots. In time, I will learn to love myself again, if I ever loved myself at all. Perhaps my ideas of love are nothing more then fairy tales and when the time is right, perhaps I will be able to love again and will not fear it because I will love myself. When I cursed Brennan all those years ago, I cursed myself and thus have hurt Matt when all I wanted was to love him, know him, and give him the world. I got over the feelings I had for Brennan long before Matt came into my life. But I never forgot the pain. I must let go of all the pain and suffering I have been inflicted with by love. I must let go of the past and embrace the present. I surrender myself to the Goddess now.
Holy mother, heal me. Cleanse me of all negativity and fear and release me from the thorns of the past. Release Brennan and Matt from the chains I have placed upon them. Fill me with light and love and may I find peace within myself. Rhiannon, I bless you for all of your gifts and sanctity. I ask that in return that I may be blessed as well. Give me strength to let go and find love within myself so that I am free from pain and free to love again when the time is right, harming none.
Blessed Be.