Am I Losing Touch with Reality?
I haven't posted in a while. I've been so busy, stressed, and miserable. I feel trapped. I am trying to schedule an appointment with my psychiatrist because I can't function normally anymore.
To begin with, College. It sux. The schedules are at the worst times in regards to having to work. I want to change my major from psych to secondary education in English. I'm not of a scientific mind. I am a poet, a romantic dreamer. I am passionate about human expression in the written/spoken word. I want to be a writer, but there is no security in that. If I become an English teacher, I can work regular hours, make decent money, and still be able to write with all the time off teachers have during the summer and such.
I have no time for anything anymore. I need more money but for now, IGA is the best place because they are somewhat flexible with me and I make enough money to support myself while living at home and I have Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter off. Sure, it can be stressful and at times, demanding, but thats with any job. If it paid more, to the point where I could take home $400 a week, it would be the best job for me. But I want to move past it. I want to make something of myself. Between work and school, I have no time for my friends, or anything within the Gay or Pagan community. I feel I am losing myself.
I am incredibly lonely. I don't feel as connected to people as I used to. I miss Brennan so much. Sure, he wasn't the best guy, but there were things about him that made me feel alive. For awhile now, I have just exhisted. When I was with Brennan, I felt more like a human being. His arms, his kisses, comforted me so. Just his hand on mine made me feel important, made me feel loved. But did he ever truly love me? Could I ever fix what is broken between us? I want to spend time with him, it doesn't matter what we do or when. I wish I could make him happy. I wish he could feel secure with me. But I ruined any chance of that. I didn't really give him a chance. I flew away at the first test of integrity because I couldn't stand being alone and feeling as if this beautiful creature, who I would do anything for, was not as serious about me.
Everyday, I feel like crying. Sometimes, I do cry, other times I swallow my sadness down like a pill sitting in my stomach that grows bigger and bigger. I feel empty. I feel like my life is just a routine. I have become so withdrawn. So fragile in my stance and demeanor, almost as if a gust of wind could blow me over to shatter on the ground. My stomach always hurts. Sometimes food soothes it, sometimes food makes it worse. I find myself not as alert and attentive as I used to be. My thoughts drift else where, or I just black out. I know where I am, but I forget for moments at a time what I'm doing and who I'm talking to or who is speaking to me. I am tired all the time. But I can't sleep. At night, I toss and turn. The only thing that brings me to sleep is holding a pillow close to my heart, closing my eyes, and visualizing that it is Brennan I am holding. I fall asleep to dream of him opening up to me, telling me he loves me and will always be there for me. I dream of him making love to me in all ways possible. Whether its the actual act of sex, or just his expressions of love. When I awake, I don't want to get up. The new day is another day of obligations and responsibilities and disappointments. Three times, I've skipped classes because I am just so overwhelmd. I'm not sure how I want to live my life, where to go after school, where I want to live, who I want to live with. I should be out partying, clubbing. I should be reading and writing. I should be with my friends, working a decent paying job. I should be with someone who I truly love and who truly loves me too.
Dan is moving back home around Thanksgiving. Dan is a good guy. He has all the qualities in a man that I am looking for. Except I feel no chemistry with Dan. I feel no sense of belonging, like this is the man I am meant to be with. Had I never expereinced this feeling before with Tristan and Brennan, I probibly would have been with Dan and my life might be different today. But I can not force myself to love someone I don't. I can not force someone I love to love me either. It is what it is.
I feel sick. Like at anymoment I could puke. My sister gave me an anxiety pill which I can feel is helping a little but only I can make my life the way I want it.
Depression is not a stranger to me. All my life I have dealt with depression, anxiety, and seasonal affective disorder. I have always been in therapy and started medication when I was 15 and it wasn't till this past February that I went off meds. Two years ago, when I was a Junoir in highschool, I was once almost commited for being so depressed that thoughts of suicide plagued me. The social worker had decided that I should go home because on a scale of 1-10, the likely hood of me actually attempting suicide was a 2. But that is because the idea of taking my life scares me. I couldn't destroy my family like that. I can not give up on what good may come in the future. But these images of hurting myself scare me. Theres gotta be a way out of the way I feel. At that time, I was dealing with the loss of my job and the loss of Brennan being in my life. Brennan doesn't understand how I could ever think of him as a playa. He doesn't understand that my past experiences have led me to distrust men. Then, along comes this beautiful guy whos touch feels like magic and it all seems too good to be true. After I gave myself to him, he left me for a month without a word. Never returned my emails or phone calls. What else was I supposed to think? Maybe my impatience with him was niave. Maybe I had let fear control my actions. As much as I yearn for real love, I am afraid that it doesn't exhist. I think subconciously, I sabatoged my past relationships because I was afraid of being hurt again or becoming dissapointed in the person I loved. It wasn't that I didn't love or care about Brennan, it was just my own paranoia. Deep down, I don't believe Brennan is a bad guy. Sure he's human and he holds his imprefections. But I wish more then anything that we could have a life together. Sigh
To begin with, College. It sux. The schedules are at the worst times in regards to having to work. I want to change my major from psych to secondary education in English. I'm not of a scientific mind. I am a poet, a romantic dreamer. I am passionate about human expression in the written/spoken word. I want to be a writer, but there is no security in that. If I become an English teacher, I can work regular hours, make decent money, and still be able to write with all the time off teachers have during the summer and such.
I have no time for anything anymore. I need more money but for now, IGA is the best place because they are somewhat flexible with me and I make enough money to support myself while living at home and I have Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter off. Sure, it can be stressful and at times, demanding, but thats with any job. If it paid more, to the point where I could take home $400 a week, it would be the best job for me. But I want to move past it. I want to make something of myself. Between work and school, I have no time for my friends, or anything within the Gay or Pagan community. I feel I am losing myself.
I am incredibly lonely. I don't feel as connected to people as I used to. I miss Brennan so much. Sure, he wasn't the best guy, but there were things about him that made me feel alive. For awhile now, I have just exhisted. When I was with Brennan, I felt more like a human being. His arms, his kisses, comforted me so. Just his hand on mine made me feel important, made me feel loved. But did he ever truly love me? Could I ever fix what is broken between us? I want to spend time with him, it doesn't matter what we do or when. I wish I could make him happy. I wish he could feel secure with me. But I ruined any chance of that. I didn't really give him a chance. I flew away at the first test of integrity because I couldn't stand being alone and feeling as if this beautiful creature, who I would do anything for, was not as serious about me.
Everyday, I feel like crying. Sometimes, I do cry, other times I swallow my sadness down like a pill sitting in my stomach that grows bigger and bigger. I feel empty. I feel like my life is just a routine. I have become so withdrawn. So fragile in my stance and demeanor, almost as if a gust of wind could blow me over to shatter on the ground. My stomach always hurts. Sometimes food soothes it, sometimes food makes it worse. I find myself not as alert and attentive as I used to be. My thoughts drift else where, or I just black out. I know where I am, but I forget for moments at a time what I'm doing and who I'm talking to or who is speaking to me. I am tired all the time. But I can't sleep. At night, I toss and turn. The only thing that brings me to sleep is holding a pillow close to my heart, closing my eyes, and visualizing that it is Brennan I am holding. I fall asleep to dream of him opening up to me, telling me he loves me and will always be there for me. I dream of him making love to me in all ways possible. Whether its the actual act of sex, or just his expressions of love. When I awake, I don't want to get up. The new day is another day of obligations and responsibilities and disappointments. Three times, I've skipped classes because I am just so overwhelmd. I'm not sure how I want to live my life, where to go after school, where I want to live, who I want to live with. I should be out partying, clubbing. I should be reading and writing. I should be with my friends, working a decent paying job. I should be with someone who I truly love and who truly loves me too.
Dan is moving back home around Thanksgiving. Dan is a good guy. He has all the qualities in a man that I am looking for. Except I feel no chemistry with Dan. I feel no sense of belonging, like this is the man I am meant to be with. Had I never expereinced this feeling before with Tristan and Brennan, I probibly would have been with Dan and my life might be different today. But I can not force myself to love someone I don't. I can not force someone I love to love me either. It is what it is.
I feel sick. Like at anymoment I could puke. My sister gave me an anxiety pill which I can feel is helping a little but only I can make my life the way I want it.
Depression is not a stranger to me. All my life I have dealt with depression, anxiety, and seasonal affective disorder. I have always been in therapy and started medication when I was 15 and it wasn't till this past February that I went off meds. Two years ago, when I was a Junoir in highschool, I was once almost commited for being so depressed that thoughts of suicide plagued me. The social worker had decided that I should go home because on a scale of 1-10, the likely hood of me actually attempting suicide was a 2. But that is because the idea of taking my life scares me. I couldn't destroy my family like that. I can not give up on what good may come in the future. But these images of hurting myself scare me. Theres gotta be a way out of the way I feel. At that time, I was dealing with the loss of my job and the loss of Brennan being in my life. Brennan doesn't understand how I could ever think of him as a playa. He doesn't understand that my past experiences have led me to distrust men. Then, along comes this beautiful guy whos touch feels like magic and it all seems too good to be true. After I gave myself to him, he left me for a month without a word. Never returned my emails or phone calls. What else was I supposed to think? Maybe my impatience with him was niave. Maybe I had let fear control my actions. As much as I yearn for real love, I am afraid that it doesn't exhist. I think subconciously, I sabatoged my past relationships because I was afraid of being hurt again or becoming dissapointed in the person I loved. It wasn't that I didn't love or care about Brennan, it was just my own paranoia. Deep down, I don't believe Brennan is a bad guy. Sure he's human and he holds his imprefections. But I wish more then anything that we could have a life together. Sigh