bleeked out (potential only goes so far)
no feel good. very tired, even though i did nothing. i hate those bad feelings inside and so generally try to ignore them, either by playing some addictive little game or losing myself and staring into space. i try to avoid those painful thoughts as, well there painful. im such a nice person supposedly, but then im not a good person. the amount of bureacratic paperwork necessary to do any internship is horrible, especially for such a lazy anti paper filler outer. ive played a little game called N (ninja game) for about 4 hurs today, mostly on just a few levels, just requirng precise timing and jump aim to not get killed by the laser and missile and electric robot thingies. i always lost my own thoughts because they if they hurt, i just try repressing or else forgetting. im very good at just phasing it out of my mind usually. but when i need it, when i need to explain it, it fails. i drop back to those easy surface thoughts and have a hard time accesing mainframe. i need to walk. but then i lakc the energy. i want to walk away, with my good old plan B, and pretend its all better but then i shant do that. ive created a life, compared to my old days of just waiting for it flash by. how can i have a life? always just thought it was a purely supposed. i hate the lack of fog. crispness of mind just makes everything to detailed, too many clear and sharp. oh, such a whine. not to be trusted, but to be trussed.