inevitable blankness
losing motivation again. ive beentrying to do the same homewokr assignment all day. with many breaks inbetween. i dont argue with a paper being read, i ususally just cast it off as confusion. When i hear the paper, i laugh at the silly parts more. i hate reviewing and saying whats to change. horrible at editing, or saying whats wrong. When i tellpeople what i dont like about a paper, its usually a section i think the point makes no sense or seems to vague. but i hate rereading. i despise obligation to what i must do, the absolutes. if it must be so, then i shallfight it. My body says sick, tired and dying, i say wrong, demonstrate inherenet qualities. Give me a better push. higher. or slower. i slack about becasue i dont want to do work, as i feel giving concrete measures of outside class time understandings of materials is stupid and a waste of time. Give more sudden tests of what people know. being a critic every 3 days is no good. more of a perceiver than a judge. slowing sinking feeling as watch potential stay steady but not float on rising expectations. tendrils of duty, of mundanity, of clockwork, of guilt, of fear, of etc... all tearing on my body hairs. Goosebumps bursting forth into a bodily scalp. Unwilling or Unable to kick until the end. Imbided apathy or lethe, laziness and shyness. soul eatng world draining off muck of excess, yet bottom not reached. will remains matter? multiple personalities that know each other but can forget them so easily. One case per moment. No distractions from past or future. Guards at the door. Does that work for you? Or do you have some thicker murk or denser luck? enjoy the draining. my words flicker and sparkle when given but never make it when in the barrel. Dont preserve well, or pickle into a nice color. Has this finally shown me? Doubtful. Why can they still use this language. whos the audience? each one indiviudally, or the sum. maybe the product. caffeine does not work for inspiratiopn. neither do leaking toilets. i wonder what was said this time>