There Are Things In My Life I Can't Control
Listen to "If I Ever Feel Better" by Phoenix. Its lyrics describe how I frequently feel.
The subject (of this entry) is a lyric I'm feeling right now, among many things. In what seems like a whirlwind 24 hours, I'm feeling more lost than before. Its not a desire to be back home, I know that feeling. This is something else. Some parts anger, some parts confusion, some boredom and some feelings of defeat.
Anger: yet another shake up in the foundation of what I thought I had here as friends. Its not entirely my fault, though I feel to blame some. Shits gonna change again and I don't like the results. The "group" is getting more broken up than it was before. Some people just stopped hanging out, others have made it perfectly clear they won't be in the same room as others. The animosity between them I had no part in. In this instance, I am somewhat of a victim. I've always been a victim of my own decisions, but these weren't mine. This shit just sucks.
Confusion: why is it I put so much thought into talking to some people? I had written so much more, but the question itself encompasses it well enough.
Boredom: this is on a level I almost couldn't even explain. As soon as my kids are asleep, I've got nothing to do. Social media isn't enough entertainment and so I sit and lose myself in tv. Which is a problem because of the extent to which I rely on it. Socially hanging out is a rarity most nights of the week and so tv is what I do. The worst part of this boredom is I could be doing school. I could build on the one fuckin class I've taken and towards a degree. I just don't have to means (i.e. money for classes, or laptop for schoolwork) to make it happen right now.
Feelings of Defeat: all of the above are reasons for feeling this. I feel defeated at home, I feel defeated at work, I feel defeated with friends and with my life as a whole. Like somehow I've lost the fight and I keep throwing punches thinking I can win. I hope I'm right.
I do hope I feel better.
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