I Loved You First
Title: I Loved You First
Pairing: Lily/Kat
Rating: R for language
Summary: “Can’t we have one conversation without someone bringing Olli up!?”
Disclaimer: Totally made up. So made up it’s probably illegal. But not actually. Please don’t sue me.
You are my sweetest downfall.
And I loved you first.
- Samson by Regina Spektor
It stops being funny when Kat gets a boyfriend.
In fact it’s just not funny at all. It was, before, when it was a silly crush, and he hung around them on days he was needed and Kat would giggle into her shoulder when he’d smile and ask how she was. It was, before, when he was one amongst thirty in the forest, trying, chivalrously, not to look at them rolling around on the floor. It was hilarious, before, when they would talk about it in the changing room, and Kat would get all stutter-y and blush - actually fucking blush - when Lily’d bring up his name. “Olli was looking at you today.”
But when they actually start dating, that’s when it stops being funny. It stops being funny altogether. Because suddenly Kat’s all concerned about how she looks when really, Lily thought she looked pretty much perfect every day. And she can go out with him, and they don’t get mauled by fans, so Kat starts wanting to spend nights with him instead of bumming around with the cast or reciting lines. And he’s silly, apparently, and she can’t help but share all of his jokes, and quite frankly Lily doesn’t find them all that funny.
All of it, really, isn’t funny.
The interviews are still silly, still light-hearted, and Lily finds herself looking forward to them more than anything. They get to be Lily and Kat again, flirty and giggly and just enjoying each other’s company. And then Kat brings up Olli, and it’s all so very nonchalant and Lily’s pretty sure she can hear fangirls worldwide just lamenting their now officially directionless love lives.
“You bring him up a lot,” Lily says when they’re having their makeup done and Lily’s just staring at Kat through the mirror.
“Who?” Kat asks, puckering her lips for the woman to apply a thin sheet of lip gloss.
“Olli,” Lily says, rearranging herself on the seat when she’s done. Miranda starts playing with her hair, stroking fingers through it, grabbing a can of hairspray.
“Yeah,” Kat replies with a smirk, “He is my boyfriend.”
“We know,” Lily strains, deciding she wants a bite to eat before they go on. She gets up abruptly, and laughs when Kat hits her playfully.
He’s just always around. It’s just that he’s always fucking around. He’s around even when he’s not. Kat will bring him up in interviews when the question barely even warranted an honourable mention. They’re asked about a favourite night, or moment they’d want to relive, and Kat says a night in Berlin with him. Not with Olli. With her boyfriend. And it’s all so very in your face. And Lily’s gotten a bit tired of it.
Usually girls are like that, she thinks. They mention their boyfriends every chance they get. ‘Look at me, I’m so lucky and happy and lovestruck and heterosexual.’ Fuck’s sake, everyone knew Kat was...fluid. It wasn’t like she needed to keep up a facade. Lily tries to stop bringing him up in conversations with Kat, and finally just drops it entirely. She doesn’t want to know more about him.
One afternoon they’re hanging in the rec room and Lily’s sitting with Meg, watching Luke and Jack play foosball, and Kat’s on the phone with her mum, just walking around.
“Do you two like Olli?” she asks them, ignoring Meg’s curious turn to this.
“Yeah, of course,” Jack says immediately, turning his wrist just so to score. He lifts his hands in celebration and Luke stubbornly takes the ball back out and puts it back into play. “More so than JJ,” he laughs and Luke laughs at this as well.
“No, not Ollie. Olli, Kat’s boyfriend.”
“Why do you care?” Katie asks, confused. Lily ignores the question.
“Yeah, he’s alright, too,” Luke says, “Bit quiet. But fun.” He scores.
“Fun Olli,” Jack says absently as his eyes never leave the ball, “Fun fun fun fun fun fun Olli.”
Lily closes her eyes slightly to this, turns her head to see Kathryn, still on the phone, rolling her eyes and calming her mother down. “Yes mum. No, mum. Yes, mum.”
“Hello?” Meg gets in her eye line. “What’s up with you?”
“What?”
“What’s all this questioning about Olli got to do with anything?”
“Yeah, Lily, what’s going on there, thought you liked him,” Luke says.
“I do,” Lily reassures them.
That is to say; there’s nothing actually wrong with Olli. He’s a nice boy. He’s a nice guy. He just needs to mind his own fucking business, you know? He ought to stay out of certain conversations. Sometimes Lily just wants to come back after a day of filming and talk to Kat, not Olli’s girlfriend. She thinks maybe Meg understands. But she doesn’t.
“I like him,” Meg shrugs into her mug when they’re sitting alone in the cafeteria, drinking tea and coffee to welcome a new day.
“Whatever,” Lily sighs, stirring some sugar into hers. They sit in silence for a short while, taking precautionary then longer sips.
“Why do you care?” Meg asks.
“I don’t,” Lily tries to say casually, “It’s just a bit annoying when all she does it talk about him, you know?”
“He’s her boyfriend,” Meg says, bemused, “And she doesn’t.”
“She does,” Lily says resolutely, ending it at that and drinking from her mug so quickly it burns her tongue. But she keeps at it.
Meg just looks at her curiously from behind hers. “You’re really angry,” she observes.
Lily sighs. Meg knows it well, and Lily’s not one to hide her anger very well anyway. She finishes her drink and sets it down. “I don’t know why,” she says shakily.
“I think I know why.”
Lily gets up without another word.
-
“You alright?” Kat asks her softly when they’re settled in the backseat of the car.
“Yeah,” Lily lies.
“Me neither,” Kat chuckles. It’s ten thirty at night and they’d spent a good nine hours on the rooftop, just crying, fucking bawling their eyes out and breaking Naomi and Emily up over and over and over and over. They’d filmed the scene where Emily comes back to Naomi’s earlier in the day, and fuck’s sake they thought that was challenging.
“So tired,” Kat mumbles, nuzzling her nose into Lily’s shoulder.
“Yeah,” Lily responds, her own eyes threatening to close. She leans her head on Kat’s head. It’s a nice moment. Calm. Uninterrupted. She misses these moments. They had so many of them when they were filming the third series, and between. It was just them two. And now...
“You were great,” she says to Kat. Every single time today, Kat went for it, really went for it. She’s developed as an actor, Lily’s noticed. Skins has got an incredible cast and everything was so talented in their own ways, but Kat brought it tonight, really bawled and hit the needed emotion in the scene take after take after take.
“Thanks,” Kat murmurs, “You were flawless, Loveless.” They chuckle at the rhyme. Kat rearranges herself, curls her legs up so she’s a tiny ball on the seats and settles against Lily. “Even though you’re a heartbreaker,” she manages to mumble before falling asleep.
It’s moments like this when Lily notices just how tiny Kat is.
I’m not a heartbreaker, she thinks though, you are. She chalks that second thought up to exhaustion. Because really, Kat hasn’t cheated on Olli at all.
-
“Trouble in paradise?” Jack asks as the crew rearrange their equipment, trying desperately to finish this scene on time before the sun sets.
“What are you talking about?”
“I just mean your sudden...you know...hatred for Olli,” he smirks, shifting his weight on his elbows.
Lily shrugs and stares off into the sun, willing this day to go faster. “He’s an annoying bint is all.”
“And therein is the problem,” he says, poking her arm, “He’s a stand-up bloke and we both know it.”
“Then why don’t you date him?” Lily asks, meaning it to come out as a joke, but it’s loud, and angry, and she surprises herself.
“Whoa, whoa,” he defends himself, genuinely thrown off, lifting his arms. “What’s got your knickers in a twist?”
“Nothing,” she sighs. Miranda comes over to fix her eye shadow and Jack just stares at her incredulously.
“I’ve never been so scared around you,” he says when Miranda runs off and they’re testing the lighting.
“Oh shut up,” she laughs, hitting his leg.
“No, I’m serious,” he says, and she can tell from his face that he is. He’s just staring at her, his lips down, his eyes boring into hers. “That was some anger you’ve got there.”
She swallows, and it’s bitter.
He licks his lips. “You know, Meg mentioned something-”
“Meg’s not always right,” she says, turning away from him, brushing some hair out of her eye.
“I know that,” he nods, “But she’s rarely wrong.”
She shakes her head, willing even him to go away. The director calls action and they kiss.
-
“It’s really hit me,” Kat says when they’re dressing up to head out to film their tiny scene in JJ’s episode.
“What has?” Lily asks, helping Kat with her coat collar, folding it down.
“They’re a mess,” Kat says, getting her papers together, shuffling them into a neat pile. “Emily and Naomi, they’re like, proper messed up, you know?”
“Yeah,” Lily says, biting her lip as she watches the redhead trot over to the door.
“What’re your lines today?” she asks as she turns off their lights.
“Not important,” Lily responds as they head down the stairs. “I’m just watching you from afar, desperately trying to grab your attention,” she says dramatically.
“How the tables have turned,” Kat observes cheekily, “Need any tips on looking forlorn?” she asks with a wink as she slips her hat on and heads outside.
“No,” Lily chuckles, and then pauses as she watches the redhead head into the car. “No,” she repeats again to herself.
-
Olli’s a stupid name anyway. Be Ollie, or not at all.
-
Kat starts backing out of plans, and that’s when it’s just getting ridiculous.
She can’t go out for drinks because it’s been five days since she’s spoken to Olli. She can’t stay in to read lines because Olli and she have made dinner reservations. She’s tired this morning because Olli and she were up all night, on the phone. Olli thinks this top looks fantastic on her. Olli likes her hair this way. Olli says this book’s overrated, Olli’s trying to learn how to make sushi. OlliOlliOlli. It’s driving her up the fucking wall. It’s as though Kat has just disappeared completely, never home, never in her room, always out, always with Olli. The only time Lily does get around to have some time with her is when they’re on set, and even then Kat talks about him, or he’s there and they’re together offset. Lily’s an offshoot, an after-thought, the one who just so happens to be her co-star. No longer Naomi to Kat’s Emily. Just Lily. That girl.
So she’s growing irritable. Around Jack, around Kat, around Meg and Luke. Sometimes it’s just her and Kaya, and even then it’s starting to get on her nerves. Because Kaya will slip into her Effy mode and ask those questions that hit her hard, about Kat, and Olli, and why she’s so angry all the time.
“It’s nothing,” Lily defends, getting herself a bowl for some ice cream.
“See, problem is,” Kaya responds defiantly, walking over to the table and resting on it, “I don’t believe that.”
Lily glares. “It’s fine; it’s just been a long day.”
Kaya raises an eyebrow. “A long day of filming with Kat?”
Lily scoffs. “Yeah, well, all our scenes are fucking downers now aren’t they? And when we’re off, we’re being whisked to an interview or just-”
“And what’s wrong with that?”
“There’s nothing wrong with the interviews,” Lily scoops some chocolate into two bowls.
“So there’s something wrong with Kat?”
“There’s nothing wrong with Kat,” she says, scooping a dangerously large amount of vanilla due to a sudden burst of energy. “Shit,” she mutters, cutting it into a smaller ball.
Kaya just observes it, watching Lily’s shaking fingers, angry muttering. “She’s been happier lately, ever since she met Olli.”
clack
The ice cream scooper is clattered on the table and Lily’s taking deep breaths. “For fuck’s sake,” she’s growling now, “Can’t we have one fucking conversation without someone bringing Olli up?”
And Kaya knows.
-
Meg takes her out for drinks one night, and it’s not like Kat’s home anyway, and she’d spend the night just sitting at home, reading lines over. Not that she doesn’t like that. She likes quiet nights, lounging around, sitting in front of the telly catching up on TV dramas. But lately it hasn’t been all that fun without Kat beside her. So she goes out, and Meg’s a party animal, just as wild as Katie, but clearly her alcohol tolerance is a bit less impressive. Lily drags a stumbling and stuttering Meg back to her place that night, opens the door and moves her hand to flick the light on, only to find it’s already on.
And Kat and Olli are sitting on the couch. Well; Olli is on Kat, his hand underneath her shirt, her hands in his hair. It’s all so very middle school, PG, as though they had known their parents would come home early. The moment the door breaks open, they jump off one another and he laughs nervously. Kat’s gone bright red and is pushing her shirt back down, licking her lips furiously. Lily drops - actually drops - Meg, who backs against the doorframe and slides down to the ground.
“What the fuck,” is all that comes out, all she can muster.
“Sorry,” Kat laughs, rearranging Olli’s hair, “Didn’t know you were-”
“What the fuck,” she repeats, and something snaps inside her. It’s the last fucking straw. She wants to quote Naomi, tearfully state, ‘This is my house.’ The universe was clearly testing her patience and christ it was winning. And she wants to rip her hair out, and she wants to spontaneously combust, and she wants. him. out. “Get out.”
He raises an eyebrow and turns to Kat, who laughs uncomfortably at this. Her laughter’s just piercing Lily now. That’s all Kat does. Laugh. Like everything’s funny, like it’s good-ol-Lily being a jokester. It’s not funny. It’s not fucking funny. “Get out,” she says again, but this time it’s loud, it’s booming, erupting from somewhere deep inside.
Olli’s starting to get more than a bit uncomfortable, and looks at Kat hesitantly, now staring at Lily. “Are...are you serious?” she asks, completely mystified, and lets another chuckle escape from her throat.
“It’s not funny!” Lily yells this time, taking some steps forward, and Olli immediately backs into the couch, his eyes wide with fright. He looks again at Kat, wondering if this reaction is normal for a roommate.
Kat’s laughter dies, then. It’s not funny anymore, because Lily’s serious, and shaking, and all she wants to do is go to her. So she does. She gets up slowly from the couch and stands. “What is your fucking problem?” she asks slowly.
“You are my fucking problem!” Lily shouts, stuttering on her own words, incapable of thinking of anything but a never-ending stream of profanities in her mind. She points at them, “You! And fucking Olli! And you fucking Olli! And..and..”
“It’s none of your business, Lily,” Kat replies heatedly, eyes narrowed and fists clenched.
“Get out,” Lily repeats, taking a step towards the shorter girl. “Get out of my house.”
Olli hesitates. “Come on, Kat,” he says hesitantly, reaching for her hand, “We don’t n-”
Kat slaps his hand away, not taking her eyes off Lily’s. “Get out of your house? It’s our fucking flat, we both live here, you can’t throw me out.”
“Get out!” Lily shouts again, taking another step forward, and their foreheads smash together. They breathe, exhale, inhale, together. Their bodies apart, their foreheads rolling from one side to another.
“Come on, Kat,” Olli tries again on deaf ears.
Kat exhales strongly, eyes flickering from Lily’s eyes to her lips. “If you’ve got something to say to me, say it.”
“I’ve said it,” Lily growls, yanking her forehead off hers. She takes a step back, points at her again. “You are my fucking problem.”
"Why are you so angry?" Kat challenges her, looking surprisingly confident, standing tall, and eyes fixated on Lily, just pushing straight through her. It's so confident, so driven, it takes Lily by complete surprise, as though Kat's got her own reason in her mind. "Go on," she says softer, "Tell me why you're so angry."
There's a tense moment between them all as they can all hear each other's breathing. Olli takes a breath, makes it loud so both girls can hear him. “Listen, I...I think we’ve all been drinking a bit too much tonight,” Olli says, getting up from the couch.
And Lily doesn’t need to know Kat drinks with Olli. She used to drink with her. “Fuck this,” she says, raising her hands, washing them clean from everything. She backs up and heads to her room, ignoring Meg still on the floor, smiling at her, knowingly.
“Fuck you,” Kat calls after her, insulted.
“Fuck you both,” Lily replies before slamming her door shut.
Olli leaves sometime in the night because by the next morning it’s just her and the Prescotts for breakfast, eating and sipping cereal in a comfortable silence considering. When Kat goes to the bathroom to freshen up, she sends Lily a glance that she ignores, chooses instead to focus on the papers.
It’s like that for a while. A few more days, which luckily enough they don’t have to shoot any scenes together during. They barely talk to one another, aside from the simple small talk and general pleasantries. In one way it’s nice that she doesn’t have to hear about Olli anymore. In the same way, it’s nice that she has Kat to herself again. It seems the redhead’s taken a hint and stays home a bit more, tries that much harder to say with her actions, “oh hello you, I remember you.”
In another way it’s pretty fucking horrible when she glances over and sees that sad, sad frown she’s permanently wearing. So much so that one night, after they’ve already said their goodnights, Lily walks back to Kat’s room. She knocks and is greeted with a soft ‘come in’. She enters, nervously. It’s odd, how one can be so close, and yet so far to a good friend. It’s as though she’s forgotten how to be around Kathryn now.
“Lils,” she says quietly from her bed, putting her book down. She smiles, her smile just as small, just as shy as it used to be when they were so much younger in Mountview.
“Kat,” she says equally quietly, sighing a bit that they seem to both relax at this exchange. She rests against the door.
“Are we alright?” Kat asks gently, her eyes soft, curved, worried.
A silence falls over them, and Lily bites her lower lip nervously. She considers it. Considers how their relationship has fared lately. It’s been absent, it’s been Olli-centric, it’s been one-sided, and it’s been unfair. Every moment she spends with Kat she spends it unhappily. No. No, every moment Kat spends with Olli, Lily is unhappy. And Lily sighs at this, grinds her teeth together tightly. “I don’t like him,” she says tiredly.
“You don’t even know him.”
“I don’t like him,” Lily repeats more resolutely, and though it’s meant to be a simple sentence, they both know it’s coming down on them like a thunderstorm. They still have a little less than half of the rest of the series to film, and then have months upon months to spend over interviews and photo shoots together. Not to mention they’re best friends. And he’s just a boy.
Kat bites her lip to will herself not to do anything stupid like cry. “Please don’t make me choose between you two,” she says.
Lily chuckles at this. But it isn’t funny. She leaves without another word.
-
She finds out after.
One night she’s just running around the flat, trying to find the letter opener to open, you know, her pay check, when she hobbles into Kat’s bedroom, genuinely forgetting to knock, only to pause to see her sitting on the edge of her bed, back to the door, crying in Meg’s arms. She’s about to head in when Meg catches her eye, and shakes her head slightly. Instead, Lily backs up, closes the door.
Later, Meg tells her over tea Kat’s broken it with Olli, and Lily bites her lip surprisingly nervously.
“You okay?” Meg asks, putting her hand on her arm.
“It’s not...it wasn’t because of me, was it?” she asks.
“No,” Meg says, and Lily feels lightheaded. Thank fuck.
“She really did like him,” Meg says, “At first she wasn’t all that keen, but I convinced her to. Then he grew on her, but now...”
“Now...”
Meg shrugs. “She doesn’t want to be with him anymore.”
“That’s it?” Lily asks, surprisingly insulted on behalf of Olli.
Meg shrugs again. “There literally isn’t a better reason in the world.”
So it gets easier, because Kat just doesn’t talk about him anymore. And they’ve gotten back into the groove they used to be in. Friendly, funny, light-hearted. Their flat feels lighter, less pinned down, less stuffy. Lily sees Kat almost every night, sometimes they stay in, and usually they go out with the rest of the cast. Whatever the activity, their friendship starts stabilizing, and Lily’s finally feeling the guilt. The total and complete guilt of being so rude, and so selfish. She didn’t tell Kat to choose between them, but she didn’t exactly say she didn’t have to.
She brings home some flowers for her one night.
“They’re beautiful,” Kat says, thanking her from her seat on the sofa, putting them aside. She pats the empty cushion next to her and Lily sits. They watch True Blood on Lily’s laptop, though neither are really paying all that much attention. “What are they for?” Kat asks, eyeing the bouquet.
“Just to apologize for being a selfish bitch,” Lily responds casually, turning the volume down.
“You should order a garden next time,” Kat jokes and they laugh.
“Yeah, because we all know you’ve got a green thumb,” Lily smirks.
“I could!” Kat replies, turning to face Lily on the couch, sitting up, “I’d tune into my inner Emily.”
Lily laughs at this, turns to her, too. “They never actually elaborated on that gardening thing you know. You never once have a scene with flowers.”
“I know!” Kat laughs and they laugh again at this, “Except for when I’m visiting err..Sarah...Sascha...”
Lily winces. “Sophia?”
“Sophia!” Emily clicks her fingers and points at her. They laugh again, so hard it’s as though they’re drunk. “I don’t need to remember her name,” Kat wheezes.
“Whatever,” Lily laughs, bringing her hand up to make a psha movement just as Kat’s bringing hers down. They collide, and end up coming back down on the couch holding hands. Their laughter fades slightly. Lily just looks at them hands, intertwined, so comfortably resting together. “I just wanted this, you know?” she says suddenly quiet, bringing her head back up to Kat. “I just wanted this back. You didn’t have to break up with him.”
Kat smiles slowly, though it’s a sad one. “There were a lot of reasons.”
Lily nods, barely believing it, and they bring their heads back down to their joined hands. Inhale. Exhale. The clock strikes midnight. A car downstairs rushes by, casually ignoring the stop sign everyone overlooks.
“This is all you wanted?” Kat asks gently, squeezing their hands.
Lily nods, lifting her head again and slowly breaking into a shy smile.
Kat smiles back, sweeter. Then she leans forward, hesitating slightly, but finally taking Lily’s cheek in the palm of her hand, and kisses her right on the lips. A small, short one, longer than a peck, more meaningful than friends. And Lily’s flabbergasted. Incapable of moving, just stuck to the sofa, eyes wide but closing as Kat leans out and caresses her lip with her fingers.
..What was that?
Lily opens her mouth to speak but Kat shushes her, and kisses her again. Harder.
Once more, with feeling someone says in Lily’s mind, and something clicks inside. It all makes sense. Everything about everything and every last emotion and outburst, it all makes sense. Kat being so open about her relationship, constantly checking with Lily for one reason or another. And Lily’s jealousy. It’s been jealousy, all this time.
Something loosens in her joints and she takes Kat’s body in her hands, kissing her back with an equal amount of fervour. Kat brings her down on the sofa, positioning her awkwardly long legs to slide off, kicking the bouquet of flowers to the ground, long forgotten.
“How long have you wanted this?” Kat’s asking between kisses.
“I don’t know, I dunno, I’m not sure” Lily mumbles incoherently, kissing every last bit of skin she can get her lips on as Kat takes her top off. She runs her hands down her back, across her stomach, back up to her breasts and neck, remembering the first time Kat was on top of her, back in the woods. “Too long maybe,” she responds again as she kisses a warm, sweet spot on her neck she discovered that day.
“You just don’t have a clue, do you?” Kat giggles, shrugging Lily’s t-shirt off her, splaying her hands across her naked front.
“Guess not,” Lily laughs, and she undoes Kat’s bra, flinging it across the room, bringing her down for a kiss. They roll, so quickly they fall off the couch and Lily on top of her on the floor. And then they laugh. Between kisses and moans, they laugh. And finally - finally - it’s funny.
It’s actually funny.