the whole story... i think
hopefully i didn't leave anything out...
ok, so i'm a DUMB HOPELESS ROMANTIC... i don't think that there's any other way to describe it... (random thought: i need to get a new pic... that is SO horrible....) ANYway... wanna know WHY i'm a dumb hopeless romantic? so here goes... this might be long and painful, so don't feel bad if you don't get past this sentence, or this word, for that matter... here i go being completely open (man, i never do this...)
so story: josh = love of my life. there's nothing else to say about it. i depended on him for everything in my life in the first 6-7 months that i dated him that i got scared. i got scared that he had so much influence on how happy i felt. when we were fighting, i just wanted to die. when he wasn't there, or i wasn't there, i didn't know what to do with myself. all i wanted to do was talk to him. now anyone who knows me KNOWS that i've never been this dependent on ANYONE in my ENTIRE life and its not like me at all to feel this way. well, folks, josh was different. josh made me feel at home whenever i was with him wherever we went. i could be completely stupid and dorky, and he would laugh or say something just as dumb or both. i was always so happy. and if i was having a shitty day, he was there to tell me that everything was ok. and i knew it was because as long as he was there, it was. now my dilemma did not become that i didn't tell him this. the dilemma was that i got scared. i went off to college and was so miserable without him there that i got friggin scared. i also saw that i wasn't treating him the way that he needed to be treated. i never felt like i was good enough for him or that i reciprocated his love and devotion even to the tenth degree. well, it was worse when i went to college. he became upset that i didn't have enough time to talk with him on the phone and i was frustrated that he was so upset with me. well, this became a never ending cycle and i was miserable because he wasn't there and on top of that, we were fighting. i decided that i needed to find out how to be happy by myself... without anyone else. if any of you knew me my junior year, you would know that this is not an easy feat. well, i was determined to do this by myself with no help from any others... especialy josh. so i broke up with josh and shut everyone out. i told no one of any of my feelings, and if they did know, it was a slip. before, josh was the only person i really told anything to. and i could tell him everything. i didn't feel like i needed to hold anything back and it was so awesome. however, i was closed to him. i wouldn't tell him anything and whatever advice or feelings he told me... especially when he said that he wanted to get back together with me. i wanted that so bad that i thought i was being weak and so pushed him off with a good bitchin and yelling, feeling threatened and vulnerable. this went on for sometime with him constantly feeling depressed and me not being there for him as much as i should of been, which was one of the reasons that i broke up with him in the first place... i knew that i couldn't be there for him as much i wanted to. somewhere in there he came to minneapolis and things weren't the same at all. he wasn't himself, which was undersatndable. we had a few good times... but things were really weird... i went back to racine at the beginning of november and things were so awesome. we didn't really fight and i was more in love with him than ever. i was so scared to tell anyone else though because a lot of people were so glad that i broke up with him that they would have given me so much shit for going back out with him. so we weren't official, but we were definitely officially in love. i ended up staying an extra day and then when i went back to MN, i wanted to go back to racine. it just wasn't fair...i just wanted to be with him... forever... i still do. anyway, things continued on pretty much as they had before i had visited, but things were changing in my mind. i was missing him more and more and i was sitting by the phone more and more waiting for him to get back from rehersal or work or whatever. i hated that he didn't have a cell phone so i couldn't leave him random voice mail or txt messages just telling him that i loved him whenever i got a massive wave of the "i love and miss josh so much". the i went back my bday weekend. truth be told, i considered going back out with him...i really wanted to. on my 18th bday, why not? and then i could go home on thanksgiving and tell my parents that i had met the love of my life and they couldn't do a damned thing about it. ... but we fought. all morning. and i didn't think he loved me anymore. so i didn't. i didn't ask him. now more and more i think i should have because i was wrong... he did love me. but he was hurting so much. he had kept so much inside because everytime he tried to tell me something, i just blew up at him cuz i felt threatened. HOLY COW I'M SUCH A LOUSY PERSON!!!!!!!!!! well, to continue, wednesday he calls me and tells me that he's had feelings for this other girl, hannah... and that she returns them. well, i said go for it! and he said that he did. they were going out. he was sick of being depressed and she made him feel really happy. he could act himself around her, something he wasn't able to do around me for a while. and then he just let it all out. he told me all the ways that i was hurting him. everything that i was doing and saying. how he waited for me for 4 lousy months and couldn't wait any longer. he yelled at me for so long. it hurt so much, but i deserved it. a day later is when i realized that how much i was hurting... because i just figure that i'll never be with him ever again... is how much HE was hurting when i broke up with him. the only reason that i didn't hurt that much was cuz in the back of my mind i fully intended to get back together with him eventually. damn me. if i hadn't supressed all of those feelings, then i wouldn't be hurting so bad right now. well, anyway... i finally confessed every thought and notion in my head to him that i had been holding back for so long before. it didn't do any good, but i could finally tell him because i didn't feel threatened anymore. how dumb am i? i'm always so scared of getting hurt, that i'm blind to the fact that i'm actually the one doing the hurting. man, after anyone reads this, NO ONE'S gona wanna be my friend... oh well, folks, its the truth... this is what happened. anyway, the end of the story is, he's happy with hannah, which is awesome, cuz she is an awesome person. i don't think that me and him will ever be together again, which if that's what makes him happy, is fine, sad, but fine, by me. he constantly says that i don't know what will happen in the future, that no one knows what will happen in the future... but that'll just raise my hopes, so i try to not even think about that.
ok, so the hopeless romantic part of me comes out right about now... i'm sitting here thinking about this whole situation. i'm so confused cuz i dont know if i should just let them be... or fight for the guy that i love. i mean, if i love him so damn much, shouldn't i fight for it? like he did for me at the beginning and these past four months? well, for some reason i had/still have this thing pushing me to go talk to him...face to face... in racine. i know that it won't make him come back to me, but i'm absolutely ok with that. i don't think that's my goal. i don't exactly know WHAT my goal is, but that's alright... i'm just going to go there and whatever comes out of my mouth does. he also told me that he didn't trust me. he doesn't trust a word i say anymore. which i don't completely undersatnd, but i will accept. i never lied to him about anything (well, occasionally about the fact that i was very much in love with him)... but he doesn't seem to believe me about cold, hard, concrete facts. i hid the fact that one of my friends "liked" me until yesterday, which he is very angry about, and considers that a reason as well for not trusting me. *sigh* i've just royally screwed up with the one person who i promised i would never screw up with... anyway, he's giving me another chance... as a friend. whcih i'm fine with. somehow i'm going to use this opportunity to get over him. i don't know how, but i'm going to do it.
but yes, i'm going to racine tomora to talk to josh. i only now how i'm getting there. i have no idea WHO i'm staying with, or HOW i'm getting back. all i know is that i have to get back before wednesday because that's when my sister gets into minneapolis. but you know what, i'm not worried about it. i don't care if i have to go sleep in a dumpster. i'm going there to talk to josh, and that's all i'm worried about. i asked him today if he even wanted me to come and he said that he DID want me to come... he DID want to see me and he DID want to talk... i was very surprised that he said that. i figured he'd tell me it was my choice. but no, he didn't. it makes me think even more that i'm doing the right thing. even if i don't know what the hell i'm doing.
two things that bug me about the whole situation:
1) a few weeks ago, he made me promise that i would go see the movie "Rent" with him and that i wouldn't go with anyone else. i promised happily... well, on wednesday night, right after or before (still not quite sure) he and hannah started going out... they went and saw "Rent"... and i allowed to be a little hurt by that? of all the people of all the movies, they went and saw "Rent".
2) last weekend, when i was there for my bday... he KNEW that he was going to do this and he MADE me PROMISE that i would still come back for his birthday at the beginning of January. well, guess who HAS to come back and see him no matter what? yeap... that's me. am i even gona be able to do that?
3) he keeps on making me promise not to make a move on him. I'M NOT LIKE THAT FOR GOODNESS SAKES! I DONT' CARE IF YOU SAY THAT LOVE MAKES YOU DO WEIRD THINGS! why can't he understand that i don't want to jeopardize him and hannah and that i would NEVER make a move on someone who i wasn't 110% sure would make a move back?! hell... i dont think i've EVER made the first move! its hurts that he even thinks that i would do that... i'm not like that. ARGH.
well, that's the whole story... sorry its so long, folks... i guess it was more for myself than anything, and i am SO glad that i got it out :D
ok, so i'm a DUMB HOPELESS ROMANTIC... i don't think that there's any other way to describe it... (random thought: i need to get a new pic... that is SO horrible....) ANYway... wanna know WHY i'm a dumb hopeless romantic? so here goes... this might be long and painful, so don't feel bad if you don't get past this sentence, or this word, for that matter... here i go being completely open (man, i never do this...)
so story: josh = love of my life. there's nothing else to say about it. i depended on him for everything in my life in the first 6-7 months that i dated him that i got scared. i got scared that he had so much influence on how happy i felt. when we were fighting, i just wanted to die. when he wasn't there, or i wasn't there, i didn't know what to do with myself. all i wanted to do was talk to him. now anyone who knows me KNOWS that i've never been this dependent on ANYONE in my ENTIRE life and its not like me at all to feel this way. well, folks, josh was different. josh made me feel at home whenever i was with him wherever we went. i could be completely stupid and dorky, and he would laugh or say something just as dumb or both. i was always so happy. and if i was having a shitty day, he was there to tell me that everything was ok. and i knew it was because as long as he was there, it was. now my dilemma did not become that i didn't tell him this. the dilemma was that i got scared. i went off to college and was so miserable without him there that i got friggin scared. i also saw that i wasn't treating him the way that he needed to be treated. i never felt like i was good enough for him or that i reciprocated his love and devotion even to the tenth degree. well, it was worse when i went to college. he became upset that i didn't have enough time to talk with him on the phone and i was frustrated that he was so upset with me. well, this became a never ending cycle and i was miserable because he wasn't there and on top of that, we were fighting. i decided that i needed to find out how to be happy by myself... without anyone else. if any of you knew me my junior year, you would know that this is not an easy feat. well, i was determined to do this by myself with no help from any others... especialy josh. so i broke up with josh and shut everyone out. i told no one of any of my feelings, and if they did know, it was a slip. before, josh was the only person i really told anything to. and i could tell him everything. i didn't feel like i needed to hold anything back and it was so awesome. however, i was closed to him. i wouldn't tell him anything and whatever advice or feelings he told me... especially when he said that he wanted to get back together with me. i wanted that so bad that i thought i was being weak and so pushed him off with a good bitchin and yelling, feeling threatened and vulnerable. this went on for sometime with him constantly feeling depressed and me not being there for him as much as i should of been, which was one of the reasons that i broke up with him in the first place... i knew that i couldn't be there for him as much i wanted to. somewhere in there he came to minneapolis and things weren't the same at all. he wasn't himself, which was undersatndable. we had a few good times... but things were really weird... i went back to racine at the beginning of november and things were so awesome. we didn't really fight and i was more in love with him than ever. i was so scared to tell anyone else though because a lot of people were so glad that i broke up with him that they would have given me so much shit for going back out with him. so we weren't official, but we were definitely officially in love. i ended up staying an extra day and then when i went back to MN, i wanted to go back to racine. it just wasn't fair...i just wanted to be with him... forever... i still do. anyway, things continued on pretty much as they had before i had visited, but things were changing in my mind. i was missing him more and more and i was sitting by the phone more and more waiting for him to get back from rehersal or work or whatever. i hated that he didn't have a cell phone so i couldn't leave him random voice mail or txt messages just telling him that i loved him whenever i got a massive wave of the "i love and miss josh so much". the i went back my bday weekend. truth be told, i considered going back out with him...i really wanted to. on my 18th bday, why not? and then i could go home on thanksgiving and tell my parents that i had met the love of my life and they couldn't do a damned thing about it. ... but we fought. all morning. and i didn't think he loved me anymore. so i didn't. i didn't ask him. now more and more i think i should have because i was wrong... he did love me. but he was hurting so much. he had kept so much inside because everytime he tried to tell me something, i just blew up at him cuz i felt threatened. HOLY COW I'M SUCH A LOUSY PERSON!!!!!!!!!! well, to continue, wednesday he calls me and tells me that he's had feelings for this other girl, hannah... and that she returns them. well, i said go for it! and he said that he did. they were going out. he was sick of being depressed and she made him feel really happy. he could act himself around her, something he wasn't able to do around me for a while. and then he just let it all out. he told me all the ways that i was hurting him. everything that i was doing and saying. how he waited for me for 4 lousy months and couldn't wait any longer. he yelled at me for so long. it hurt so much, but i deserved it. a day later is when i realized that how much i was hurting... because i just figure that i'll never be with him ever again... is how much HE was hurting when i broke up with him. the only reason that i didn't hurt that much was cuz in the back of my mind i fully intended to get back together with him eventually. damn me. if i hadn't supressed all of those feelings, then i wouldn't be hurting so bad right now. well, anyway... i finally confessed every thought and notion in my head to him that i had been holding back for so long before. it didn't do any good, but i could finally tell him because i didn't feel threatened anymore. how dumb am i? i'm always so scared of getting hurt, that i'm blind to the fact that i'm actually the one doing the hurting. man, after anyone reads this, NO ONE'S gona wanna be my friend... oh well, folks, its the truth... this is what happened. anyway, the end of the story is, he's happy with hannah, which is awesome, cuz she is an awesome person. i don't think that me and him will ever be together again, which if that's what makes him happy, is fine, sad, but fine, by me. he constantly says that i don't know what will happen in the future, that no one knows what will happen in the future... but that'll just raise my hopes, so i try to not even think about that.
ok, so the hopeless romantic part of me comes out right about now... i'm sitting here thinking about this whole situation. i'm so confused cuz i dont know if i should just let them be... or fight for the guy that i love. i mean, if i love him so damn much, shouldn't i fight for it? like he did for me at the beginning and these past four months? well, for some reason i had/still have this thing pushing me to go talk to him...face to face... in racine. i know that it won't make him come back to me, but i'm absolutely ok with that. i don't think that's my goal. i don't exactly know WHAT my goal is, but that's alright... i'm just going to go there and whatever comes out of my mouth does. he also told me that he didn't trust me. he doesn't trust a word i say anymore. which i don't completely undersatnd, but i will accept. i never lied to him about anything (well, occasionally about the fact that i was very much in love with him)... but he doesn't seem to believe me about cold, hard, concrete facts. i hid the fact that one of my friends "liked" me until yesterday, which he is very angry about, and considers that a reason as well for not trusting me. *sigh* i've just royally screwed up with the one person who i promised i would never screw up with... anyway, he's giving me another chance... as a friend. whcih i'm fine with. somehow i'm going to use this opportunity to get over him. i don't know how, but i'm going to do it.
but yes, i'm going to racine tomora to talk to josh. i only now how i'm getting there. i have no idea WHO i'm staying with, or HOW i'm getting back. all i know is that i have to get back before wednesday because that's when my sister gets into minneapolis. but you know what, i'm not worried about it. i don't care if i have to go sleep in a dumpster. i'm going there to talk to josh, and that's all i'm worried about. i asked him today if he even wanted me to come and he said that he DID want me to come... he DID want to see me and he DID want to talk... i was very surprised that he said that. i figured he'd tell me it was my choice. but no, he didn't. it makes me think even more that i'm doing the right thing. even if i don't know what the hell i'm doing.
two things that bug me about the whole situation:
1) a few weeks ago, he made me promise that i would go see the movie "Rent" with him and that i wouldn't go with anyone else. i promised happily... well, on wednesday night, right after or before (still not quite sure) he and hannah started going out... they went and saw "Rent"... and i allowed to be a little hurt by that? of all the people of all the movies, they went and saw "Rent".
2) last weekend, when i was there for my bday... he KNEW that he was going to do this and he MADE me PROMISE that i would still come back for his birthday at the beginning of January. well, guess who HAS to come back and see him no matter what? yeap... that's me. am i even gona be able to do that?
3) he keeps on making me promise not to make a move on him. I'M NOT LIKE THAT FOR GOODNESS SAKES! I DONT' CARE IF YOU SAY THAT LOVE MAKES YOU DO WEIRD THINGS! why can't he understand that i don't want to jeopardize him and hannah and that i would NEVER make a move on someone who i wasn't 110% sure would make a move back?! hell... i dont think i've EVER made the first move! its hurts that he even thinks that i would do that... i'm not like that. ARGH.
well, that's the whole story... sorry its so long, folks... i guess it was more for myself than anything, and i am SO glad that i got it out :D