(no subject)
First off those of you that have spoken up for me I really appreciate it, it’s nice to see not everyone is completely naïve to believe what one person who barely has any creditability to themselves says instead of asking me or confronting me about it.
But believe it or not she does have a valid point, and I noticed it as I was reading some of my past posts on here and she is right I have appeared to try to throw the blame on everyone else while not really accepting any myself.
Like I said in a previous post what I did last November was wrong, completely wrong. To be blunt I was thinking with my penis and not my brain or even my heart. I ended up hurting someone who well was a good friend of many, many years, and I caused myself some very severe heartbreak, so yeah Jess even you were right. Karma is a bitch. After that point I tried to shut that whole two weeks out of my memory. I went through Christmas and New Year’s feeling like complete shit because I really had no one, for the first time since I was 15 I sat at home and did nothing for New Year’s eve, and it was about as much pain as I could take, especially being only 3 days before I left for a 6 month deployment. Cruise started off like it normally would, but about a month into it I believe it was right after we left Australia, I received an e-mail from Jessica, seeing how I was doing and just really saying hi. Well her and I started a pretty lengthy e-mail dialogue and to make a long story short we started dating or should I say became boyfriend and girlfriend when I was in Singapore. Well about a month passed and Jessica mentioned to me that she wanted to move to Florida with her Dad. At first I was against it because I was under the impression that this was going to work itself out the way things did when she moved back to Marquette for a weekend, any chance I was going to have with a serious relationship with her was out the window. But something happened during my walk in the passageway from my squadron’s ready room to my work center. Some invisible hand came out of nowhere and slapped me in the back of the head, and I realized that it would work out and I was completely behind her on the decision. It was then that I realized that I know it will work because I love her. Well I spent around a week or so trying to figure out just how exactly word the e-mail I was going to write (I know it is impersonal but it’s the only logical way to communicate when I am underway) to tell her just how I felt. Well I finally did, and she wrote me back saying she didn’t have those feelings yet, which I kind of expected because of her previous relationships (me included). Well some time went by and I had a port call in Dubai, which is right outside of Abu Dhabi, and I was able to call her and talk to her instead of just reading her e-mails. One thing she didn’t know was that it was almost impossible for me to ask her right there on the phone why she didn’t love me back, but I didn’t. Although I didn’t have to wait long to have her say she loved me back she told me so (in an e-mail of course lol). Well after another month, I receive an e-mail from her Mom saying that she is having second thoughts about moving to WA (FYI Lana, her and Amber are the only two that I have talked about moving out to WA with me.) well I could understand that but I wanted to talk to her about it so I called her and talked about it to her and well after the conversation I received an e-mail from her telling me how she felt and where exactly she stood on the whole “us” thing. And well to me it seemed like she was starting to backpedal on how she felt and it appeared she was going t back to the way she felt right before we became ‘official’ However the one sentence I could not get out of my head was about her not knowing if the ‘love’ she felt for me was that as a significant other or that of a brother. Well besides feeling completely crushed on the inside, I had to ask her ‘Do you still want to be together? What exactly do you want?” Well the next e-mail she sent me is the one that I supposedly took out of context, and now I ask anyone who is still reading this ‘novel’ I am writing how would you react if she told you ‘Do what you want I don’t care.’? Well to me that seems like she doesn’t care if she is with me or not. And well if someone doesn’t want to be with me it is kind of pointless to be with them so I ended it.
Now is where this whole situation is now. I posted my feelings on my LJ cause well that is where people can do these kinds of things. And would you believe it my ‘Swimfan’ (There’s that movie again) Lana gets involved, someone who is dealing with being pregnant but still has the time to read my journal and post replies to help stir the hornet’s nest. And Jessica bought it hook, line, and sinker. Now I don’t know what the exact conversation was between them and although I am curious I really don’t want to have to wade through and sort out the lies and truths that Lana has told her, but I will cover the one main one that seems to be out there. Now Jessica or ‘Swimfan’ please correct me if I am wrong but the word between you two is that I have what was it? Four girlfriends right now? Well that one is false, Jessica the last girl I dated before you was Amber Matkin from Houghton. (She’s the friend of many years I lost and fucked away any chance I had with her by trying to hook up a ‘booty call’ with ‘Swimfan’) and before her I dated Amber Couch for about 2 months. Since I have been in the Navy I have had 1 Fiancé, 6 girlfriends (No not at the same time Lana). Only three of which lived in the Washington area. Since I have been in the Navy I only cheated on one of them (Which I still regret to this day) who was Ceiri before her and I became engaged. There are some other not so glorious statistics about myself that I am not willing to share but I am willing to answer any questions anyone has about it, and all they have to do is post a reply to this post and I will reply as soon as I can with an honest answer, so Everyone can see.
Jessica, I’m sorry that Lana got to you. I just wish you would have talked to me about what she said to you before believing her. If you are still reading this, I’m sorry things didn’t work out, I’m sorry you didn’t love me the way I did you. I’m sorry for not telling you about ‘Swimfan’ before this whole thing started. And I just wish you the best.
‘Swimfan’ I mean Lana. I’m sorry for appearing to lead you on, after I left. I just didn’t know how to let you down, hell I’ve never been very good at stuff like that, because I am usually on the receiving end. I hope whatever you are looking for that will help you to stop this game, comes along and makes you happy, and yes I wish you the best when you are raising your kid.
As for anyone else who reads my LJ whenever I post something new, I am sorry for you having to witness/read this drama, granted this doesn’t help too much but I had to say something.
But believe it or not she does have a valid point, and I noticed it as I was reading some of my past posts on here and she is right I have appeared to try to throw the blame on everyone else while not really accepting any myself.
Like I said in a previous post what I did last November was wrong, completely wrong. To be blunt I was thinking with my penis and not my brain or even my heart. I ended up hurting someone who well was a good friend of many, many years, and I caused myself some very severe heartbreak, so yeah Jess even you were right. Karma is a bitch. After that point I tried to shut that whole two weeks out of my memory. I went through Christmas and New Year’s feeling like complete shit because I really had no one, for the first time since I was 15 I sat at home and did nothing for New Year’s eve, and it was about as much pain as I could take, especially being only 3 days before I left for a 6 month deployment. Cruise started off like it normally would, but about a month into it I believe it was right after we left Australia, I received an e-mail from Jessica, seeing how I was doing and just really saying hi. Well her and I started a pretty lengthy e-mail dialogue and to make a long story short we started dating or should I say became boyfriend and girlfriend when I was in Singapore. Well about a month passed and Jessica mentioned to me that she wanted to move to Florida with her Dad. At first I was against it because I was under the impression that this was going to work itself out the way things did when she moved back to Marquette for a weekend, any chance I was going to have with a serious relationship with her was out the window. But something happened during my walk in the passageway from my squadron’s ready room to my work center. Some invisible hand came out of nowhere and slapped me in the back of the head, and I realized that it would work out and I was completely behind her on the decision. It was then that I realized that I know it will work because I love her. Well I spent around a week or so trying to figure out just how exactly word the e-mail I was going to write (I know it is impersonal but it’s the only logical way to communicate when I am underway) to tell her just how I felt. Well I finally did, and she wrote me back saying she didn’t have those feelings yet, which I kind of expected because of her previous relationships (me included). Well some time went by and I had a port call in Dubai, which is right outside of Abu Dhabi, and I was able to call her and talk to her instead of just reading her e-mails. One thing she didn’t know was that it was almost impossible for me to ask her right there on the phone why she didn’t love me back, but I didn’t. Although I didn’t have to wait long to have her say she loved me back she told me so (in an e-mail of course lol). Well after another month, I receive an e-mail from her Mom saying that she is having second thoughts about moving to WA (FYI Lana, her and Amber are the only two that I have talked about moving out to WA with me.) well I could understand that but I wanted to talk to her about it so I called her and talked about it to her and well after the conversation I received an e-mail from her telling me how she felt and where exactly she stood on the whole “us” thing. And well to me it seemed like she was starting to backpedal on how she felt and it appeared she was going t back to the way she felt right before we became ‘official’ However the one sentence I could not get out of my head was about her not knowing if the ‘love’ she felt for me was that as a significant other or that of a brother. Well besides feeling completely crushed on the inside, I had to ask her ‘Do you still want to be together? What exactly do you want?” Well the next e-mail she sent me is the one that I supposedly took out of context, and now I ask anyone who is still reading this ‘novel’ I am writing how would you react if she told you ‘Do what you want I don’t care.’? Well to me that seems like she doesn’t care if she is with me or not. And well if someone doesn’t want to be with me it is kind of pointless to be with them so I ended it.
Now is where this whole situation is now. I posted my feelings on my LJ cause well that is where people can do these kinds of things. And would you believe it my ‘Swimfan’ (There’s that movie again) Lana gets involved, someone who is dealing with being pregnant but still has the time to read my journal and post replies to help stir the hornet’s nest. And Jessica bought it hook, line, and sinker. Now I don’t know what the exact conversation was between them and although I am curious I really don’t want to have to wade through and sort out the lies and truths that Lana has told her, but I will cover the one main one that seems to be out there. Now Jessica or ‘Swimfan’ please correct me if I am wrong but the word between you two is that I have what was it? Four girlfriends right now? Well that one is false, Jessica the last girl I dated before you was Amber Matkin from Houghton. (She’s the friend of many years I lost and fucked away any chance I had with her by trying to hook up a ‘booty call’ with ‘Swimfan’) and before her I dated Amber Couch for about 2 months. Since I have been in the Navy I have had 1 Fiancé, 6 girlfriends (No not at the same time Lana). Only three of which lived in the Washington area. Since I have been in the Navy I only cheated on one of them (Which I still regret to this day) who was Ceiri before her and I became engaged. There are some other not so glorious statistics about myself that I am not willing to share but I am willing to answer any questions anyone has about it, and all they have to do is post a reply to this post and I will reply as soon as I can with an honest answer, so Everyone can see.
Jessica, I’m sorry that Lana got to you. I just wish you would have talked to me about what she said to you before believing her. If you are still reading this, I’m sorry things didn’t work out, I’m sorry you didn’t love me the way I did you. I’m sorry for not telling you about ‘Swimfan’ before this whole thing started. And I just wish you the best.
‘Swimfan’ I mean Lana. I’m sorry for appearing to lead you on, after I left. I just didn’t know how to let you down, hell I’ve never been very good at stuff like that, because I am usually on the receiving end. I hope whatever you are looking for that will help you to stop this game, comes along and makes you happy, and yes I wish you the best when you are raising your kid.
As for anyone else who reads my LJ whenever I post something new, I am sorry for you having to witness/read this drama, granted this doesn’t help too much but I had to say something.