George Carlin: 1937-2008
Some great words from one of the greatest comedians ever. He will be truly missed.
"When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?"
"If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?"
"When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "
"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"
"Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers? "
"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."
"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."
"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
"If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? "
"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."
"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
"Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?"
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past".
"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
"The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music."
"Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!"
"This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen."
"When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?"
"If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?"
"When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "
"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"
"Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers? "
"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."
"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."
"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
"If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? "
"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."
"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
"Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?"
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past".
"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
"The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music."
"Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!"
"This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen."