They've been knocking me sideways...
I think today has been one of the most uneventful days of my life. Eric and I couldn't even find anything to talk about. Do you know how rare that is?
I've surrounded myself with music. I am overwhelmed with feelings. I want so much, and I hate the wait. It's days like these that make me want a full tank of gas and an open road. I just want to go. Anywhere. If only I didn't have to work tomorrow, and I hadn't promised myself that I would pay off one credit card on Friday.... I hate how responsible I am. If I died on Saturday it wouldn't matter that I paid that stupid card off on Friday. My mind won't stop there though so I'll just pay it off and spare myself the self punishment.
I'll be 25 in 6 months. Wow. I'm not as far along as I thought I'd be. I haven't lived nearly as much as I wanted to have lived by now. I have to make up for this next year. I need more adventure. More freedom. More.... something..... what am I missing? I'm almost certain that I'll never find it. This missing part evades me. It is a mystery. Where do I begin to look?
My uncle Rodney has been on my mind a lot these days. I miss him beyond words. It doesn't seem fair that he died so young. I find myself wanting to call him.... then I remember that he's been gone for ten years. Ten years and it seems like just yesterday. Sometimes it doesn't seem real at all. Who was there for him? I wish I had never moved out of his house. I should have stayed. Maybe I could have helped him hold on a little longer. Who can know? At least he no longer suffers. No more 5am dialysis, no more sugar highs and sugar lows... no more blisters from the prosthetic leg. He's finally free. It's selfish of me to want him back. He was just the light of my life..... and now I have none. He was the one who kept me safe, loved me without condition, and never made me feel less than. He was, is, and will always be my hero.
-A