distilled spirits
distilled spirits
If I Had My Life to Live Over
(I would maybe hold you a little closer)
You’ve always found it unfair how he can simply sit down one night and tweak, turn, scribble, bruise, and come out the next morning with a masterpiece smudged all over his hands. And, you’re left to congratulate with wide open eyes and hands threading all over his genius as if it might rub off on you. You can’t even be mad because he’s giving you more parts than last time. So, you say, “I love it, hyung,” and his half awake smile makes it all worth it.
Yongbae always knows what’s going on, that’s just the way he is. And, with his gentle smiles and gentler words, he lures you into talking about things you hadn’t even thought about. He tells you that you’ve been smiling a lot less lately. You tell him that he must be hallucinating.
But, Yongbae always knows what’s going on.
You try not to look star-struck every time he comes close enough to breathe, and he looks down at you like he knows you’re maybe madly in love with him.
“Did you cry? Last night, when we made our comeback, did you cry?
There is disbelief in his voice like it’s ridiculous that you would cry over something you all have done time and time again. But, maybe he doesn’t know that he looked serene last night, that he looked like he could fly if he wasn’t so busy singing. And, you had felt so empty because no matter how deep you dug into your own back, you couldn’t manage to find wings.
“No.”
He smiles easily like your tears are little jokes that only he will ever get.
“It’s okay, Ri. I cried a little too.”
You know he’s lying because you remember his sweaty hands all over your waist and how he tasted like strawberry skies instead of salt.
“That’s nice, hyung.”
He grins easily too, wrapping thin fingers around your arms and pulling you into him like it’s innocent and your heart isn’t beating painfully against your ribs.
His voice is irritating, you decide one day when he’s screaming obnoxiously into Seunghyun face. His face is ugly, you decide when he’s making funny faces at her stupid jokes. His eyes are weird, you decide when you catch him looking at you like he’s a little thirsty.
“Seungri, I wish you’d stop twitching every time I touch you,” he says against your belt, teeth clinking with the metal. He moves up the path he made with his tongue and stops under your lips.
“Seungri, I wish you’d let me love you,” he whispers and you almost don’t hear it, except you do and something gives. You push him away, but his thumbs are hooked onto your belt, and you end up pressed up to his chest. He holds you in place and smiles, “Would you please let me?” Let me fix you, he’s saying, you can tell, because he’s got that sad edge to his words he always gets when he’s at funerals.
You’re trying to define pity and love when he kisses you. It’s different from the other kisses you’ve shared because he’s not taking; he’s giving. He’s holding you so gently as if you’d break any other way and he’s using his tongue to outline your lips. You find yourself pushed up against the wall and not thinking it wrong at all that you’re crossing lines you drew yourself.
“Let me you love,” he says, his voice wispy and sunshine as it eases your fears.
You say okay by wrapping your leg around his waist. He says thank you by gripping your thigh and making your hips create painful friction. And, later, letting him make love to you is your way of saying anytime.
Yongbae is looking at you like he’s disappointed, but you know he’s just upset you didn’t tell him before he figured it out himself.
“Ji Yong, why does Seungri have bite marks on his neck?”
His voice is sweet only because it couldn’t be anything else.
Ji Yong smirks and you look away when he winks at you. “I have no idea, Bae. Mosquitoes, maybe?”
Yongbae’s eyes smile before his lips and you feel like everything is falling in all the right places.
Seunghyun doesn’t understand the same way Yongbae does. He corners you one night when Ji Yong is out somewhere and Daesung is busy getting Yongbae to make him food.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he asks and you can feel the betrayal in his voice.
“What?”
Playing dumb never got you anywhere but Seunghyun’s eyes soften and he sighs.
“Nothing.”
He reaches out to ruffle your hair and you see nostalgia in his eyes like he’s wondering when you grew up and why he wasn’t there to help you on the way.
You take his hand and pull him in for a hug. You try to pour love, apologies, and memories into one hug and he holds you tight.
His I love you is written with soothing fingers as they feel the concavity of your neck. You think he’s crying, but Choi Seunghyun rarely cries and no one ever cries over you anyway.
“You seem tired,” Yongbae says one day and you don’t want to lie to him.
“I am tired,” you say, ignoring how Ji Yong’s grin falters.
Yongbae says hush before you can even cry and holds you against his chest. Ji Yong moves up the couch and wraps his arms around you too, somehow prying Yongbae’s fingers off. Yongbae stops holding you so tight and instead, you’re engulfed into Ji Yong and his cologne that always reminds you of grass and afternoons.
“Why are you crying, Ri?”
You feel rather than hear his voice and your fingers grip his shoulders.
“Nothing, really,” you say but he calls your bluff and pulls away to wipe your tears. You try not to stare at his mouth, but he’s really too close. You feel Yongbae’s hand on your back and realize that you haven’t been breathing.
Mental, you think, he’s completely mental. He’s got hands up your shirt and Seunghyun looks lost. Ji Yong sticks a tongue into your ear and you shove him away, pulling your shirt down and fixing your hair. You try to smile apologetically at Seunghyun but he’s not looking at you straight.
So, you leave the room before it closes in on you.
Seunghyun is in love with you, Ji Yong whispers and his eyes are all excited for some reason. I’ve got competition, Ri, he says, laughing so carefree that you want to shut him up. But, he hasn’t smiled like this for a long time and you’re thinking maybe you would like to be a little selfish for once. So, you play along and say, he loves you more, hyung.
Ji Yong stops smiling.
Daesung glares at you for a painfully long time before saying, “This isn’t right.” And, you know he actually wants to say, you’re fucking everyone over.
“I haven’t done anything,” you say, trying to keep your voice low and respectful.
Except Daesung’s sneer is making that terribly difficult.
“Oh, haven’t you?”
You pretend you didn’t catch the sarcasm and shrug. “I have to go, so see you later.”
It’s only when you’re positive you’re alone that you allow yourself to cry just a little bit. And, under an abandoned coffee shop, you discover that you have momentarily escaped everything that breaks you. You try not to, but you become sort of addicted to the sensation.
You’re supposed to be at an interview the next time you escape. You run through the city and you laugh, ignoring the way everyone isn’t looking at you. With your hat angled all weird and your face half way covered by a scarf, not one person suspects that maybe you’re Lee Seungri. And, you laugh some more. You almost lose track of time, and when you get back, the interviewer is too mesmerized by your smile and forgets to complain.
Ji Yong is sitting awfully close and you’re feeling the urge to run away again. So you close your eyes for a second, sway on your heels for second, and visualize streets passing you by faster than you can feel. You can almost hear old ladies gossiping, young couples fighting, rootless dreams wilting. For a second, you escape without even moving.
It becomes a habit and you begin to feel a little scared when you find yourself on rough pavement one second and a soft shoulder the next. But, you can’t stop because it’s been a while since you’ve laughed this much and even Yongbae has stopped worrying.
So, you allow yourself to slip one last time, just one more time.
And, then you’re in a city. It always starts with a city but this one is different. For one, there are no people when, really, you’ve always enjoyed brushing past skin and not having someone scream your name into your ear. You walk further and notice a guitar on the sidewalk. It’s an alternate reality, so you can play the guitar very well and you’ve got such pretty fingers.
Suddenly, Ji Yong is grinning at you and you feel a little lost. Because you rarely ever imagine Ji Yong. It’s usually Yongbae that appears in your escapades, all smiles and acceptance. But, never Ji Yong because he’s the only you’re trying to escape anyway.
“Ri, you play the guitar so nicely.”
So it is a dream because Ji Yong doesn’t offer compliments with such a light heart.
You’re quickly jerked awake as the van stops and Ji Yong deems it necessary to climb over your lap in order to step out. You try not to stare at his lips too much and you try not to see if they’re really as red as the imaginary version.
You learn to escape standing up. You learn to escape falling down. And, Yongbae begins to worry again.
“You doze off a lot.”
You try to shrug it off.
“And, it’s usually when you’re with Ji.”
No luck there.
“Hyung, what do you want me to say?” You’re maybe really tired.
“Just talk to me, Ri. It doesn’t have to mean anything.” His eyes plead with yours and you snap at the very ends.
“What? What? What do you want me to say? That I’ve been trying to make imaginary friends in fucking imaginary cities, because I can’t fucking handle being near Ji Yong? Is that what you want to hear, huh, hyung? Really fucking happy now, hyung?”
Yongbae looks so horribly sad that you can’t help but curl up into his arms and let him pet you like you’re his little puppy that just had a really bad day today.
He promises not to tell, but he begs you to please stop. So you say you will when you really don’t know how.
Seunghyun kisses you one day out of the blue and tells you he just wanted to see if you really tasted like cigarettes like Ji Yong said. You try to question his motives, but you can’t, because he’s maybe your third favorite hyung and you’ve always loved him a little more than the others. He smiles at you and you see that smile turn into a hiss as Ji Yong accidentally runs right into you.
And that’s when you realize who Seunghyun is actually in love with.
Ji Yong kisses your cheek because he has maybe found inspiration or just likes the way you come apart. Either way, Seunghyun clears his throat and hugs Ji Yong, using a congratulations as an excuse to hold him a little longer.
Seunghyun’s in love with you.
“Hyung, do you love me?”
Ji Yong stops and looks at you weird.
“Of course, I do.”
“More than friends, I mean.”
“Yes.”
“So like-”
He sighs impatiently and holds your face in his hands. “So like I would die for you. I would kill for you. And, if you ever loved anyone else, I would kill them. And, you.”
You laugh. That’s how much he loves you, hyung. Isn’t that unfair?
“But, I do love someone else.”
His face becomes all serious and unkind, “Who?”
“Me.” You stick out your tongue, but before you can even mock him, he sucks your tongue into his mouth. He kisses deep and long before resting his forehead against his.
“Don’t scare me like that.”
His voice is a little breathless, like he’s almost sighing from relief. You wonder if Seunghyun fell for that voice before those lips, because that’s the exact order you did.
If you had your life to live over, you think you wouldn’t have gotten into the entertainment business to begin with. You would have stuck to your first band that had scrawny boys and not one heartbreak. You wouldn’t have gone to those auditions and dared to dream bigger than your voice.
You wouldn’t have stood so close to Kwon Ji Yong.
*er, idk where the gtop came from. :| and also, this was written at ungodly hours. pardon mistakes. and, cindy, hearts for you. ♥♥
If I Had My Life to Live Over
(I would maybe hold you a little closer)
You’ve always found it unfair how he can simply sit down one night and tweak, turn, scribble, bruise, and come out the next morning with a masterpiece smudged all over his hands. And, you’re left to congratulate with wide open eyes and hands threading all over his genius as if it might rub off on you. You can’t even be mad because he’s giving you more parts than last time. So, you say, “I love it, hyung,” and his half awake smile makes it all worth it.
Yongbae always knows what’s going on, that’s just the way he is. And, with his gentle smiles and gentler words, he lures you into talking about things you hadn’t even thought about. He tells you that you’ve been smiling a lot less lately. You tell him that he must be hallucinating.
But, Yongbae always knows what’s going on.
You try not to look star-struck every time he comes close enough to breathe, and he looks down at you like he knows you’re maybe madly in love with him.
“Did you cry? Last night, when we made our comeback, did you cry?
There is disbelief in his voice like it’s ridiculous that you would cry over something you all have done time and time again. But, maybe he doesn’t know that he looked serene last night, that he looked like he could fly if he wasn’t so busy singing. And, you had felt so empty because no matter how deep you dug into your own back, you couldn’t manage to find wings.
“No.”
He smiles easily like your tears are little jokes that only he will ever get.
“It’s okay, Ri. I cried a little too.”
You know he’s lying because you remember his sweaty hands all over your waist and how he tasted like strawberry skies instead of salt.
“That’s nice, hyung.”
He grins easily too, wrapping thin fingers around your arms and pulling you into him like it’s innocent and your heart isn’t beating painfully against your ribs.
His voice is irritating, you decide one day when he’s screaming obnoxiously into Seunghyun face. His face is ugly, you decide when he’s making funny faces at her stupid jokes. His eyes are weird, you decide when you catch him looking at you like he’s a little thirsty.
“Seungri, I wish you’d stop twitching every time I touch you,” he says against your belt, teeth clinking with the metal. He moves up the path he made with his tongue and stops under your lips.
“Seungri, I wish you’d let me love you,” he whispers and you almost don’t hear it, except you do and something gives. You push him away, but his thumbs are hooked onto your belt, and you end up pressed up to his chest. He holds you in place and smiles, “Would you please let me?” Let me fix you, he’s saying, you can tell, because he’s got that sad edge to his words he always gets when he’s at funerals.
You’re trying to define pity and love when he kisses you. It’s different from the other kisses you’ve shared because he’s not taking; he’s giving. He’s holding you so gently as if you’d break any other way and he’s using his tongue to outline your lips. You find yourself pushed up against the wall and not thinking it wrong at all that you’re crossing lines you drew yourself.
“Let me you love,” he says, his voice wispy and sunshine as it eases your fears.
You say okay by wrapping your leg around his waist. He says thank you by gripping your thigh and making your hips create painful friction. And, later, letting him make love to you is your way of saying anytime.
Yongbae is looking at you like he’s disappointed, but you know he’s just upset you didn’t tell him before he figured it out himself.
“Ji Yong, why does Seungri have bite marks on his neck?”
His voice is sweet only because it couldn’t be anything else.
Ji Yong smirks and you look away when he winks at you. “I have no idea, Bae. Mosquitoes, maybe?”
Yongbae’s eyes smile before his lips and you feel like everything is falling in all the right places.
Seunghyun doesn’t understand the same way Yongbae does. He corners you one night when Ji Yong is out somewhere and Daesung is busy getting Yongbae to make him food.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he asks and you can feel the betrayal in his voice.
“What?”
Playing dumb never got you anywhere but Seunghyun’s eyes soften and he sighs.
“Nothing.”
He reaches out to ruffle your hair and you see nostalgia in his eyes like he’s wondering when you grew up and why he wasn’t there to help you on the way.
You take his hand and pull him in for a hug. You try to pour love, apologies, and memories into one hug and he holds you tight.
His I love you is written with soothing fingers as they feel the concavity of your neck. You think he’s crying, but Choi Seunghyun rarely cries and no one ever cries over you anyway.
“You seem tired,” Yongbae says one day and you don’t want to lie to him.
“I am tired,” you say, ignoring how Ji Yong’s grin falters.
Yongbae says hush before you can even cry and holds you against his chest. Ji Yong moves up the couch and wraps his arms around you too, somehow prying Yongbae’s fingers off. Yongbae stops holding you so tight and instead, you’re engulfed into Ji Yong and his cologne that always reminds you of grass and afternoons.
“Why are you crying, Ri?”
You feel rather than hear his voice and your fingers grip his shoulders.
“Nothing, really,” you say but he calls your bluff and pulls away to wipe your tears. You try not to stare at his mouth, but he’s really too close. You feel Yongbae’s hand on your back and realize that you haven’t been breathing.
Mental, you think, he’s completely mental. He’s got hands up your shirt and Seunghyun looks lost. Ji Yong sticks a tongue into your ear and you shove him away, pulling your shirt down and fixing your hair. You try to smile apologetically at Seunghyun but he’s not looking at you straight.
So, you leave the room before it closes in on you.
Seunghyun is in love with you, Ji Yong whispers and his eyes are all excited for some reason. I’ve got competition, Ri, he says, laughing so carefree that you want to shut him up. But, he hasn’t smiled like this for a long time and you’re thinking maybe you would like to be a little selfish for once. So, you play along and say, he loves you more, hyung.
Ji Yong stops smiling.
Daesung glares at you for a painfully long time before saying, “This isn’t right.” And, you know he actually wants to say, you’re fucking everyone over.
“I haven’t done anything,” you say, trying to keep your voice low and respectful.
Except Daesung’s sneer is making that terribly difficult.
“Oh, haven’t you?”
You pretend you didn’t catch the sarcasm and shrug. “I have to go, so see you later.”
It’s only when you’re positive you’re alone that you allow yourself to cry just a little bit. And, under an abandoned coffee shop, you discover that you have momentarily escaped everything that breaks you. You try not to, but you become sort of addicted to the sensation.
You’re supposed to be at an interview the next time you escape. You run through the city and you laugh, ignoring the way everyone isn’t looking at you. With your hat angled all weird and your face half way covered by a scarf, not one person suspects that maybe you’re Lee Seungri. And, you laugh some more. You almost lose track of time, and when you get back, the interviewer is too mesmerized by your smile and forgets to complain.
Ji Yong is sitting awfully close and you’re feeling the urge to run away again. So you close your eyes for a second, sway on your heels for second, and visualize streets passing you by faster than you can feel. You can almost hear old ladies gossiping, young couples fighting, rootless dreams wilting. For a second, you escape without even moving.
It becomes a habit and you begin to feel a little scared when you find yourself on rough pavement one second and a soft shoulder the next. But, you can’t stop because it’s been a while since you’ve laughed this much and even Yongbae has stopped worrying.
So, you allow yourself to slip one last time, just one more time.
And, then you’re in a city. It always starts with a city but this one is different. For one, there are no people when, really, you’ve always enjoyed brushing past skin and not having someone scream your name into your ear. You walk further and notice a guitar on the sidewalk. It’s an alternate reality, so you can play the guitar very well and you’ve got such pretty fingers.
Suddenly, Ji Yong is grinning at you and you feel a little lost. Because you rarely ever imagine Ji Yong. It’s usually Yongbae that appears in your escapades, all smiles and acceptance. But, never Ji Yong because he’s the only you’re trying to escape anyway.
“Ri, you play the guitar so nicely.”
So it is a dream because Ji Yong doesn’t offer compliments with such a light heart.
You’re quickly jerked awake as the van stops and Ji Yong deems it necessary to climb over your lap in order to step out. You try not to stare at his lips too much and you try not to see if they’re really as red as the imaginary version.
You learn to escape standing up. You learn to escape falling down. And, Yongbae begins to worry again.
“You doze off a lot.”
You try to shrug it off.
“And, it’s usually when you’re with Ji.”
No luck there.
“Hyung, what do you want me to say?” You’re maybe really tired.
“Just talk to me, Ri. It doesn’t have to mean anything.” His eyes plead with yours and you snap at the very ends.
“What? What? What do you want me to say? That I’ve been trying to make imaginary friends in fucking imaginary cities, because I can’t fucking handle being near Ji Yong? Is that what you want to hear, huh, hyung? Really fucking happy now, hyung?”
Yongbae looks so horribly sad that you can’t help but curl up into his arms and let him pet you like you’re his little puppy that just had a really bad day today.
He promises not to tell, but he begs you to please stop. So you say you will when you really don’t know how.
Seunghyun kisses you one day out of the blue and tells you he just wanted to see if you really tasted like cigarettes like Ji Yong said. You try to question his motives, but you can’t, because he’s maybe your third favorite hyung and you’ve always loved him a little more than the others. He smiles at you and you see that smile turn into a hiss as Ji Yong accidentally runs right into you.
And that’s when you realize who Seunghyun is actually in love with.
Ji Yong kisses your cheek because he has maybe found inspiration or just likes the way you come apart. Either way, Seunghyun clears his throat and hugs Ji Yong, using a congratulations as an excuse to hold him a little longer.
Seunghyun’s in love with you.
“Hyung, do you love me?”
Ji Yong stops and looks at you weird.
“Of course, I do.”
“More than friends, I mean.”
“Yes.”
“So like-”
He sighs impatiently and holds your face in his hands. “So like I would die for you. I would kill for you. And, if you ever loved anyone else, I would kill them. And, you.”
You laugh. That’s how much he loves you, hyung. Isn’t that unfair?
“But, I do love someone else.”
His face becomes all serious and unkind, “Who?”
“Me.” You stick out your tongue, but before you can even mock him, he sucks your tongue into his mouth. He kisses deep and long before resting his forehead against his.
“Don’t scare me like that.”
His voice is a little breathless, like he’s almost sighing from relief. You wonder if Seunghyun fell for that voice before those lips, because that’s the exact order you did.
If you had your life to live over, you think you wouldn’t have gotten into the entertainment business to begin with. You would have stuck to your first band that had scrawny boys and not one heartbreak. You wouldn’t have gone to those auditions and dared to dream bigger than your voice.
You wouldn’t have stood so close to Kwon Ji Yong.
*er, idk where the gtop came from. :| and also, this was written at ungodly hours. pardon mistakes. and, cindy, hearts for you. ♥♥