(no subject)
I created myself a new journal since I know that writing anything on paper in this house, is more of a risk since people really have no boundries. I dont always feel like writing everything in my other journal though. If you found this, that's fine, I'm not hiding anything here....just understand that means that if I write something that angers you, it's not my intention to upset/hurt you. I'm just getting it off my chest. <3 I'm not trying to hide anything so feel free to add me or comment as you feel nessacary.
Today Luke and I spent the day together and it was a stressful day. It started out alright, with my walking into his house which was empty aside from his beautiful sleeping body. He looked so cute all cuddled up in his blankets sprawled about on his bed: peaceful and happy. The way his face lit up when I entered his room really made me feel good. I joined him and layed behind him tickling his back a bit and scratching his head. He soon grew restless by my being in his bed and it wasn't long before our cuddling became wonderful sex. He kissed me perfectly and everywhere and held me just how I like to be held. Though I will admit, it was really frustrating because I could not get the thought out of my head of how ugly my thighs/stomach area is and it disgusts me how I look, especially in that area. Though the sex was *amazing*. We layed intertwined in eachothers limbs for awhile after and it was a great feeling just to lay there against eachother snuggling for warmth.
All day, it was a very tense day together. I was very glad to have the day to spend with him, but things weren't going that well. I was so stressed out that I was being a real bitch with him. I was being snappy, and arguing over the littlest things. All day I couldnt stop obsessing over not eating, and trying to make sure I ate well. I didn't really realize how much of my mind had been consumed by worry over my eating habits and weight. It's almost more disgusting how much I thought about it than how bad it really is...Luke made me feel a bit better about it, and he is so supportive it's wonderful. He says that I am not fat but is behind my wanting to loose weight/look better/feel better. He understands that I am struggling with self control and snacking too much/eating when I am not really that hungry. He really helped me to realize that not eating anything, and restricting myself as much as I wanted to is not going to help me any, it's more likely to only make me more miserable. So we went to Wegmans to eat dinner since I hadn't eaten anything all day. I ate two slices of pizza, a chicken finger and drank some diet pepsi. I guess considering that I didn't eat anything else all day (aside from h2o and chocolate milk tonight) then that's not too horrible. I usually eat a lot more than that. So now I'm just going to try to be very careful about how much I eat and when I eat, and if I'm just snacking or if I'm really hungry. I also want to start exercising more and eventually I hope to join the BAC, but there are a lot of things I need to take care of before I can afford to join a gym.
After dinner, we came home and cuddled with eachother and started arguing more, I was a horrible person to be around today I will admit. I really was mean to Luke. I have a hard time handling my stress and it just came pouring out. I vented to him and it was a good feeling for a second, to get it off my chest, but that didn't resolve any of the problems, and it didn't take care of how I was feeling or how it was affecting Luke, if anything it may have made things worse. So after I cried and he calmed me down, we talked about everything that was bothering me, one thing at a time. He did his best to help me come to a solution for every problem. It is a wonderful feeling to know that yes, this can change and I won't be stuck in this rut for all of eternity. We talked over everything, and he wouldn't stop saying that we would get through this...."we". I told him he didn't need to help me like this and that, he didn't need to keep saying "we" to my problems, and that he wasn't my husband or anything, and he told me that it didn't matter and that he wanted to be my husband one day...it was cute and it was so sweet how amazingly supportive he was and how reassuring he was that eventually things will be better for me, for him...for us. I love him with all my heart.
So I'm getting my permit I think some time after I turn 19, which will be Jan. 31st. I know it's not too much of a significant difference but I'm waiting because the older you are, the cheaper it becomes. It doesnt matter what my mom thinks, I'm getting my permit.
I've been trying to look at schools, though I'm hesitant to do much right now aside from just checking out websites. I really want to have my own computer and to know how I will commute to what ever school I choose. I don't want to be screwed over again, hopefully everything will fall in place so I can do this. I'm not going to stress myself out more than I already am, it will happen when I'm truly ready, I'm not going to just go to college because that's what everyone else is doing, when I'm prepared I'm going. But I am doing this all alone (aside from Luke's support) noone is driving me places, giving me money, noone is even filling out forms, or promising me that when I go to school they will leave me be when I need to study (we had that conversation and it ended on the fact that I was asking to get off too easy and like I just wanted to live here with out having any input in this family...a.k.a...not being their cleaning bitch...ha yeah ok.) well, we'll see how things evolve. Evolve.....I love that word....I want that as a tattoo some day. <3
"The moon was so beautiful that the ocean held up a mirror" ~Everest (Ani DiFranco)
Today Luke and I spent the day together and it was a stressful day. It started out alright, with my walking into his house which was empty aside from his beautiful sleeping body. He looked so cute all cuddled up in his blankets sprawled about on his bed: peaceful and happy. The way his face lit up when I entered his room really made me feel good. I joined him and layed behind him tickling his back a bit and scratching his head. He soon grew restless by my being in his bed and it wasn't long before our cuddling became wonderful sex. He kissed me perfectly and everywhere and held me just how I like to be held. Though I will admit, it was really frustrating because I could not get the thought out of my head of how ugly my thighs/stomach area is and it disgusts me how I look, especially in that area. Though the sex was *amazing*. We layed intertwined in eachothers limbs for awhile after and it was a great feeling just to lay there against eachother snuggling for warmth.
All day, it was a very tense day together. I was very glad to have the day to spend with him, but things weren't going that well. I was so stressed out that I was being a real bitch with him. I was being snappy, and arguing over the littlest things. All day I couldnt stop obsessing over not eating, and trying to make sure I ate well. I didn't really realize how much of my mind had been consumed by worry over my eating habits and weight. It's almost more disgusting how much I thought about it than how bad it really is...Luke made me feel a bit better about it, and he is so supportive it's wonderful. He says that I am not fat but is behind my wanting to loose weight/look better/feel better. He understands that I am struggling with self control and snacking too much/eating when I am not really that hungry. He really helped me to realize that not eating anything, and restricting myself as much as I wanted to is not going to help me any, it's more likely to only make me more miserable. So we went to Wegmans to eat dinner since I hadn't eaten anything all day. I ate two slices of pizza, a chicken finger and drank some diet pepsi. I guess considering that I didn't eat anything else all day (aside from h2o and chocolate milk tonight) then that's not too horrible. I usually eat a lot more than that. So now I'm just going to try to be very careful about how much I eat and when I eat, and if I'm just snacking or if I'm really hungry. I also want to start exercising more and eventually I hope to join the BAC, but there are a lot of things I need to take care of before I can afford to join a gym.
After dinner, we came home and cuddled with eachother and started arguing more, I was a horrible person to be around today I will admit. I really was mean to Luke. I have a hard time handling my stress and it just came pouring out. I vented to him and it was a good feeling for a second, to get it off my chest, but that didn't resolve any of the problems, and it didn't take care of how I was feeling or how it was affecting Luke, if anything it may have made things worse. So after I cried and he calmed me down, we talked about everything that was bothering me, one thing at a time. He did his best to help me come to a solution for every problem. It is a wonderful feeling to know that yes, this can change and I won't be stuck in this rut for all of eternity. We talked over everything, and he wouldn't stop saying that we would get through this...."we". I told him he didn't need to help me like this and that, he didn't need to keep saying "we" to my problems, and that he wasn't my husband or anything, and he told me that it didn't matter and that he wanted to be my husband one day...it was cute and it was so sweet how amazingly supportive he was and how reassuring he was that eventually things will be better for me, for him...for us. I love him with all my heart.
So I'm getting my permit I think some time after I turn 19, which will be Jan. 31st. I know it's not too much of a significant difference but I'm waiting because the older you are, the cheaper it becomes. It doesnt matter what my mom thinks, I'm getting my permit.
I've been trying to look at schools, though I'm hesitant to do much right now aside from just checking out websites. I really want to have my own computer and to know how I will commute to what ever school I choose. I don't want to be screwed over again, hopefully everything will fall in place so I can do this. I'm not going to stress myself out more than I already am, it will happen when I'm truly ready, I'm not going to just go to college because that's what everyone else is doing, when I'm prepared I'm going. But I am doing this all alone (aside from Luke's support) noone is driving me places, giving me money, noone is even filling out forms, or promising me that when I go to school they will leave me be when I need to study (we had that conversation and it ended on the fact that I was asking to get off too easy and like I just wanted to live here with out having any input in this family...a.k.a...not being their cleaning bitch...ha yeah ok.) well, we'll see how things evolve. Evolve.....I love that word....I want that as a tattoo some day. <3
"The moon was so beautiful that the ocean held up a mirror" ~Everest (Ani DiFranco)