Long
With each breath taken my lungs thank me. (soft sighs.. thank you...... thank you...... thank you) They are starving for air and I give them a small taste and then just as they begin to enjoy it, I take it away. They long for more. I slowly take it in. Teasing them as much as possible and more. Although they want it they are almost happy I don't just give it to them. Like me, they want what they can't have. I walk in the cool morning sun. I want it to be hot out so I can wear shorts, a t-shirt, and some sneakers but I will just have to wait until later in the year. It's ok I am content with the weather. I like how after a hard ruck at rugby practice in the dark night, you can see steam floating off the tops of the girls heads. My high school chemistry teacher told me once that in order for you to see your breath the temperature inside your body had to be 20 degrees warmer the the temperature of the air. Therefore if you just ran and your body is warmer or you have a fever, you will see your breath in warmer weather then if you were cold. I wonder if seeing steam poor from a head is the same idea. Does your sweat have to be 20 degrees warmer then the weather? I don't know how or why I remember that but I think about it a lot.
As I walk I think about how wonderful it is just to be here. Here being anywhere really. Every place is unique and accepting. A bright yellow dandelion accents the cool color of the green grass. And I just want to lay and cry. I love to cry. Everyone thinks it means you are sad. I think it is just an over all good feeling. It makes my cheeks feel cool and wet.. my eyes feel comforted by warm beads of water. My body feels uplifted by quivering shakes. Then I relax as the tears evaporate and I am exhausted enough to sleep completely content and thought free. No one judges me or is mean to me when I am crying. In fact, most people do everything to avoid me and I have the opportunity to live for just a short period of time alone no one noticing my hair, or my make up, my style, everyone only notices I am upset and generally hope that my day gets better. Every face I see everyday I think in my mind that I hope that persons day gets better regardless of how good it may already be. Not just their day I hope their whole lives get better.
As I lay and cry I am interrupted by an intense roar of laughter leaking from my inner gut (anyone watching at this point must just assume I am crazy) but the laughter was brought on by my random though... is Jenine right?.. I don't believe in spirituality, religion, any of that.. I mean I am sort of trying to live for myself but what I want to do coincides with everything society allows.... but is it pointless?.... pointless... not having a point... not having a meaning?...a reason.... Life.... Lacking meaning... meaning being importance. I mean I don't believe it has some huge important theme..(oh no)... but if it doesn't have some universal theme, well, then I would think everyones life must find their own meaning. But then it is back to living for yourself. My thoughts chase their own tails around my mind. I want to think about the answer. I want to prove to her that life has a meaning. But I am so content just laying in the grass inhaling, exhaling, and thinking about how beautiful I am, do I really want to cloud my mind with thoughts about the meaning of life? Maybe the point of life is not to sit and question every thing... maybe the point is just to live. Why does it have to be something bigger then just being alive? That is plenty of importance or meaning to me. And if life has a meaning then is has a point and if it has a point it is most definitely not pointless.
I've got it... it is similar to how I can't be perfect at everything to everyone... I have tried and all in all I just got tangled up in trying and ended up being really upset. But when I just did what I wanted and let the people who wanted to think I was perfect or cool to do so without me trying to be cool to them, I was a lot better off. Life can't have meaning to everyone and life isn't going to try. Life is just going to be..and if people want to find meaning in it then fine if not, then fine. It doesn't have to have a meaning. And not having a meaning is not a cynical or depressing view. A person could be very happy living but still think life does not have a meaning.
However, one thing that was said .. jenine said she can't live for herself because she is not any and I don't know if she said more important or different or what adjective she used... shit... well something about not being any (blank) from everyone else... well if that is her reason for not living for herself then I can live for myself because I am not just like every other person. I may not change the world or influence everyone or anyone, nor would I want to. There is this word, redil, it describes the part of a personality that no one can really put a finger on. You know how if two people did the exact same things (unaware that the other one did it) for example, two random people in one day came up and told me I was unique at different times a day. I obviously don't have any attached feelings or thought to these random people. But somehow one may seem to be an overall nicer act than the other. Although I may try to consider these equally as nice of acts. There is something involved with body presents, personality, and just inner emotion that would make these encounters different. This inner emotion coming out is called redil. This is what makes no two people the same. And this is what makes me happy to live for myself.
(ok fine, I made that word up! But ya know what... people thought Shakespeare was a genius for making words up, Albert Einstein too. I mean I am so amazing I figured I better throw myself out there now and start with the made up words. Infact, don't tell anyone I told you this (looks around suspiciously for other listeners)... (leans closer to the screen)... well math..... the whole idea of it is made up! (returns to normal sitting position) But all the made up parts happen to fit together ..so, if you lie an entire little world that fits together then it becomes a subject. I am just going to lie for the rest of my life<--that's a lie)
As I walk I think about how wonderful it is just to be here. Here being anywhere really. Every place is unique and accepting. A bright yellow dandelion accents the cool color of the green grass. And I just want to lay and cry. I love to cry. Everyone thinks it means you are sad. I think it is just an over all good feeling. It makes my cheeks feel cool and wet.. my eyes feel comforted by warm beads of water. My body feels uplifted by quivering shakes. Then I relax as the tears evaporate and I am exhausted enough to sleep completely content and thought free. No one judges me or is mean to me when I am crying. In fact, most people do everything to avoid me and I have the opportunity to live for just a short period of time alone no one noticing my hair, or my make up, my style, everyone only notices I am upset and generally hope that my day gets better. Every face I see everyday I think in my mind that I hope that persons day gets better regardless of how good it may already be. Not just their day I hope their whole lives get better.
As I lay and cry I am interrupted by an intense roar of laughter leaking from my inner gut (anyone watching at this point must just assume I am crazy) but the laughter was brought on by my random though... is Jenine right?.. I don't believe in spirituality, religion, any of that.. I mean I am sort of trying to live for myself but what I want to do coincides with everything society allows.... but is it pointless?.... pointless... not having a point... not having a meaning?...a reason.... Life.... Lacking meaning... meaning being importance. I mean I don't believe it has some huge important theme..(oh no)... but if it doesn't have some universal theme, well, then I would think everyones life must find their own meaning. But then it is back to living for yourself. My thoughts chase their own tails around my mind. I want to think about the answer. I want to prove to her that life has a meaning. But I am so content just laying in the grass inhaling, exhaling, and thinking about how beautiful I am, do I really want to cloud my mind with thoughts about the meaning of life? Maybe the point of life is not to sit and question every thing... maybe the point is just to live. Why does it have to be something bigger then just being alive? That is plenty of importance or meaning to me. And if life has a meaning then is has a point and if it has a point it is most definitely not pointless.
I've got it... it is similar to how I can't be perfect at everything to everyone... I have tried and all in all I just got tangled up in trying and ended up being really upset. But when I just did what I wanted and let the people who wanted to think I was perfect or cool to do so without me trying to be cool to them, I was a lot better off. Life can't have meaning to everyone and life isn't going to try. Life is just going to be..and if people want to find meaning in it then fine if not, then fine. It doesn't have to have a meaning. And not having a meaning is not a cynical or depressing view. A person could be very happy living but still think life does not have a meaning.
However, one thing that was said .. jenine said she can't live for herself because she is not any and I don't know if she said more important or different or what adjective she used... shit... well something about not being any (blank) from everyone else... well if that is her reason for not living for herself then I can live for myself because I am not just like every other person. I may not change the world or influence everyone or anyone, nor would I want to. There is this word, redil, it describes the part of a personality that no one can really put a finger on. You know how if two people did the exact same things (unaware that the other one did it) for example, two random people in one day came up and told me I was unique at different times a day. I obviously don't have any attached feelings or thought to these random people. But somehow one may seem to be an overall nicer act than the other. Although I may try to consider these equally as nice of acts. There is something involved with body presents, personality, and just inner emotion that would make these encounters different. This inner emotion coming out is called redil. This is what makes no two people the same. And this is what makes me happy to live for myself.
(ok fine, I made that word up! But ya know what... people thought Shakespeare was a genius for making words up, Albert Einstein too. I mean I am so amazing I figured I better throw myself out there now and start with the made up words. Infact, don't tell anyone I told you this (looks around suspiciously for other listeners)... (leans closer to the screen)... well math..... the whole idea of it is made up! (returns to normal sitting position) But all the made up parts happen to fit together ..so, if you lie an entire little world that fits together then it becomes a subject. I am just going to lie for the rest of my life<--that's a lie)