Taking my emotional shit here is a possibility- don't wanna annoy Tumblr. We'll see how it goes.
I'm getting to the point where I'm about to cry because I can't handle actually doing shit again. That's not good. It was just motivation issues, that's all. I should be able to fucking work right now. But there's that mental block, up nice and strong.
I'm so immature. It's probably not depression. It's probably not anxiety. It's probably just that I'm a lazy, good-for-nothing, worthless bitch. I don't want to do shit, so I don't do it, and the pressure I have not doing it just builds and builds because I know exactly what I'm doing and what it means, but I don't care enough to get off my stupid ass and do it.
I've had issues with motivation pretty much since we got home from church and the internet was being a bitch (In church, I started getting really anxious 'cause I realized I need to turn stuff in earlier so it can hopefully be graded and I'll know before it's too late if I need to do an extra assignment. I figured I'd have the motivation. Apparently not.). But I've had a pretty decent day. None of this shit should be happening.
But here I am, sinking back into "I hate this I can't I don't want to I don't care." Don't think I'm feeling suicidal again yet (not like it would matter if I were- I wouldn't do anything about it, anyway), but I'm... really upset. I can't even pinpoint what about.
Well, I'm pretty sure it started with me wanting to be Ha-chan's friend again. And I'm pretty sure she and Bura-tan met after I started following her, and they're close as pie now. I feel really shitty for being jealous and wishing I could put myself in there somewhere, especially considering the other great people I've met recently- Yuu and Kat and Mary and Shiroi especially. They are such awesome people, and I'm glad they enjoy talking to me every now and then. I love them. But it's not good enough. It should be, but I'm still burning a little inside because I can't be Ha-chan's best friend. It's so fucked up. I haven't even really tried. I've just said "how are you?" a few times. That's it. What? Do I expect her to drop everything and talk to me when she might not even know how badly I want to speak with her? (Either she doesn't know or she finds me creepy. Both are possibilities.)
I don't even know if I'm angry at her or at myself because I'm such a coward. I don't want to be angry with her. I love her. But recently I've been getting mad seeing her joke with someone else like they're the best of buds. And then catching myself and thinking, "No, I'm glad she has someone else. I'm glad she's found a new friend. I'm glad she has a life. I'm happy for her. She deserves good things." And I believe that, yeah, but I still wish I were somewhere in there.
So that's possibly where my mood started heading downhill today. I dunno. I'm actually a little confused about how I feel right now, because it's not total self-hate... it's more that I'm just done with everything and am sort of angry, I guess, probably because I've been writing this, but mostly just... upset, I dunno. Not suicidal. Just kinda like I don't wanna do anything. Drawing has been what's cheered me up lately, so my brain is screaming at me to pick up my pen, but I have three hours left before I go to sleep... I want to make some headway on something before I go to bed. I just have to pick an assignment.
I don't even remember what else I wanted to say. I'm just... Not too pleased right now. And I should make sure Ms. M got my text about canceling our lesson on Tuesday. I don't really wanna have a piano lesson tomorrow, but I have to take what I can get with Mr. B before he leaves... so I'll keep practicing the piano and go to the last three or four lessons...
I just have no motivation for anything but maybe doodling shit right now (and chances are I would stare blankly at the page if I tried to draw, lose motivation for that, too). But whatever. I don't know where to start, but I guess I'll read about a couple of the topics for one of the papers I'm supposed to write... See if I can string some shit together. (I have one idea, but I don't want to do it- much focus on immigrants and attitudes towards them and I'd rather do something less touchy and more interesting) I... really hope I get something done and feel better in the morning.
I don't even have the energy to remember what else I was going to say