(no subject)
First off, it's been ages since I last posted. A lot of what I'm going to say in the post will entirely contradict the last several posts, but that's okay. For mental scrapbooking reasons, I'm going to fill you (and me) in on what's happened since that last post.
I became best friends with the people I referred to in the last post. I spent every single day of summer 2009 with them. My ex-girlfriend and I could barely be civil to one another, I was (and still am) totally in love with her and she had feelings for one of our friends (her current girlfriend). I moved to Seattle for three months, working at Urban Outfitters, living in a house I hated, and not having any friends. After I couldn't stand being broke and miserable anymore I moved back to Oregon at the end of January. I've been staying on the aforementioned ex's couch except on the weekends when her girlfriend stays over (and right now because it's spring break). Did I mention her girlfriend is a high school junior and only seventeen? And my ex is six months away from being twenty. (Yes, I am bitter. More on that later.) I am technically homeless and 100% jobless. I want to start my own company. I do almost nothing everyday, but I'm trying to change that. I may very well be depressed. I am ridiculously broke. I am addicted to two things, nicotine and Bugsy B. I'm not sure which is worse for my health.
My friends have been far less fond of me since Bugsy started her thing with Raven (who has basically stopped liking me altogether, the whole ex and current girlfriend dynamic) and it makes me really sad. I feel like I constantly have to prove my worth to them. Take shoplifting for example, it's a practice many of my friends participate in and I am definitely guilty of it as well. Just today I got caught stealing sandpaper, (because I'm broke and homeless, I just wanted to make some art!) which I never would have considered before being friends with them. I used to have strong morals, but they seem to have been diluted over the last year. There are definitely pros and cons to each of those statements, but when it comes down to it, I've lost who I am and what I represent. I need to find myself again and pray everything goes a lot smoother from there.
And now the big L-O-V-E rant that is so popular here on LJ. I've loved the same girl for over two and half years now. I know I'm only nineteen, but believe when I say that I've had at least 17 entirely different lives in those 2.5 years. Never have I met someone who sees things the way that I do. She is the only person that makes me really feel like I have a sense of who I am, and I strongly believe that she's suppressing her true self to win over her girlfriend. Clearly people grow and change, but no one changes that drastically. When we hang out one-on-one it's almost like she's the Bugsy I know and love again, except she's always texting her girlfriend. She only calls on me when she is lonely and like a lovesick puppy, I would follow her anywhere. Love is supposed to be the most pure emotion there is, so why do I feel like I'm so wrong? My intuition is surprisingly sharp which is why I have yet to give up hope and my dreams (I'm starting to dream really well again) have been continued to keep me on pins and needles for the day something changes.
But for now I will just try and be her friend. The one she loves to hate and hates to love, and as sad as it is, I'll continue to stand by her.
I became best friends with the people I referred to in the last post. I spent every single day of summer 2009 with them. My ex-girlfriend and I could barely be civil to one another, I was (and still am) totally in love with her and she had feelings for one of our friends (her current girlfriend). I moved to Seattle for three months, working at Urban Outfitters, living in a house I hated, and not having any friends. After I couldn't stand being broke and miserable anymore I moved back to Oregon at the end of January. I've been staying on the aforementioned ex's couch except on the weekends when her girlfriend stays over (and right now because it's spring break). Did I mention her girlfriend is a high school junior and only seventeen? And my ex is six months away from being twenty. (Yes, I am bitter. More on that later.) I am technically homeless and 100% jobless. I want to start my own company. I do almost nothing everyday, but I'm trying to change that. I may very well be depressed. I am ridiculously broke. I am addicted to two things, nicotine and Bugsy B. I'm not sure which is worse for my health.
My friends have been far less fond of me since Bugsy started her thing with Raven (who has basically stopped liking me altogether, the whole ex and current girlfriend dynamic) and it makes me really sad. I feel like I constantly have to prove my worth to them. Take shoplifting for example, it's a practice many of my friends participate in and I am definitely guilty of it as well. Just today I got caught stealing sandpaper, (because I'm broke and homeless, I just wanted to make some art!) which I never would have considered before being friends with them. I used to have strong morals, but they seem to have been diluted over the last year. There are definitely pros and cons to each of those statements, but when it comes down to it, I've lost who I am and what I represent. I need to find myself again and pray everything goes a lot smoother from there.
And now the big L-O-V-E rant that is so popular here on LJ. I've loved the same girl for over two and half years now. I know I'm only nineteen, but believe when I say that I've had at least 17 entirely different lives in those 2.5 years. Never have I met someone who sees things the way that I do. She is the only person that makes me really feel like I have a sense of who I am, and I strongly believe that she's suppressing her true self to win over her girlfriend. Clearly people grow and change, but no one changes that drastically. When we hang out one-on-one it's almost like she's the Bugsy I know and love again, except she's always texting her girlfriend. She only calls on me when she is lonely and like a lovesick puppy, I would follow her anywhere. Love is supposed to be the most pure emotion there is, so why do I feel like I'm so wrong? My intuition is surprisingly sharp which is why I have yet to give up hope and my dreams (I'm starting to dream really well again) have been continued to keep me on pins and needles for the day something changes.
But for now I will just try and be her friend. The one she loves to hate and hates to love, and as sad as it is, I'll continue to stand by her.