"I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow. I hope it bleeds all day long."
Yes, yes, another far-too-long lull between posts. It has been difficult to condense my emotional states into something coherent enough to capture a particular day or week. Just too all over the map.
I realized, though, the other day, what it is that has me so down and irked and generally a mess. Every year, for the last 7 years, I had something HUGE happen right at the end of April or sometime in early May. Often several huge things. Usually performances (see Green Fairy, spring OCircus! shows, et cetera). The point is, the spring mania would hit, but I'd have something to focus it towards. Some objective. Something to place on the horizon and run towards.
This year I have nothing. Well, not nothing - I have classes, a commission, and other odds and sods. But I don't have that big finish line waiting for me just before my birthday as I have every year since senior year of high school. So the spring mania has no focus, nothing to channel it. And so I am a mess. Intense mood swings, diminished productivity, self-hatred over diminished productivity, you get the idea.
On the other hand, the little things are fuckin' golden lately. Been spending a lot of quality time with a very nice group of friends that has been coalescing from disparate corners of my universe lately. And I have a kitty cat of my very own. She is named Starbuck, and she is the neediest, whiniest, sweetest, most affectionate little airhead I have met in many a year.
I realized, though, the other day, what it is that has me so down and irked and generally a mess. Every year, for the last 7 years, I had something HUGE happen right at the end of April or sometime in early May. Often several huge things. Usually performances (see Green Fairy, spring OCircus! shows, et cetera). The point is, the spring mania would hit, but I'd have something to focus it towards. Some objective. Something to place on the horizon and run towards.
This year I have nothing. Well, not nothing - I have classes, a commission, and other odds and sods. But I don't have that big finish line waiting for me just before my birthday as I have every year since senior year of high school. So the spring mania has no focus, nothing to channel it. And so I am a mess. Intense mood swings, diminished productivity, self-hatred over diminished productivity, you get the idea.
On the other hand, the little things are fuckin' golden lately. Been spending a lot of quality time with a very nice group of friends that has been coalescing from disparate corners of my universe lately. And I have a kitty cat of my very own. She is named Starbuck, and she is the neediest, whiniest, sweetest, most affectionate little airhead I have met in many a year.