You know...
...it's funny.
I don't know where I am.
All I know is that psychology gave me a word for my lack of contentment. My turmoil. My unrest.
Equity. My friendships are inequitable. There is no sense of exchange. I have held such a thing to be self-evident. After all, exchange has been the engine of all my most powerful connections in the past.
As of late, I've found my thoughts troubled by another situation that I have found a term for thanks to my psychology class: cognitive dissonance. My distress comes from my insistence that a strong friendship should be about a equal amount of input, that exchange. But I am not getting that. And it troubled me. People make claims about faith and I initially refuted. How could you have faith in me if you're a vacuum? But it's hit me. Anybody can have as much faith in me as they want, but that doesn't make them cross the divide between 'friend' and 'person I'd follow to the ends of the earth.'
I think it should be sad. I want to be sad. But it's actually a kind of relief. I can stop being such a demanding asshole of these people. I understand how things work now. I will never breach their circle and all my attempts have simply caused me to vomit emotional resources over people who simply didn't want it. Didn't need it. Or, at the very least, didn't plan on reciprocating. Does that make them bad? Absolutely not. Looking back, they never actually verbalized any kind of assurance that we were anything but friendly. And that's okay. I have some really strong friendlies in my life. And that's good.
But I have come to remember someone who is aware of exchange, and that's who I find myself gravitating back to. Drive through dangerous winter roads to come hang with me for a week on my birthday?
Fuckin' awesome bastard.
I don't know where I am.
All I know is that psychology gave me a word for my lack of contentment. My turmoil. My unrest.
Equity. My friendships are inequitable. There is no sense of exchange. I have held such a thing to be self-evident. After all, exchange has been the engine of all my most powerful connections in the past.
As of late, I've found my thoughts troubled by another situation that I have found a term for thanks to my psychology class: cognitive dissonance. My distress comes from my insistence that a strong friendship should be about a equal amount of input, that exchange. But I am not getting that. And it troubled me. People make claims about faith and I initially refuted. How could you have faith in me if you're a vacuum? But it's hit me. Anybody can have as much faith in me as they want, but that doesn't make them cross the divide between 'friend' and 'person I'd follow to the ends of the earth.'
I think it should be sad. I want to be sad. But it's actually a kind of relief. I can stop being such a demanding asshole of these people. I understand how things work now. I will never breach their circle and all my attempts have simply caused me to vomit emotional resources over people who simply didn't want it. Didn't need it. Or, at the very least, didn't plan on reciprocating. Does that make them bad? Absolutely not. Looking back, they never actually verbalized any kind of assurance that we were anything but friendly. And that's okay. I have some really strong friendlies in my life. And that's good.
But I have come to remember someone who is aware of exchange, and that's who I find myself gravitating back to. Drive through dangerous winter roads to come hang with me for a week on my birthday?
Fuckin' awesome bastard.