The 'It'
You never feel more nerdy than when you're trying to explain to a group of people how you've been looking for a good MMO for years to feel connected with friends again. I could go on and on about it here, about how a virtual avatar allows you to feel (if only remotely) like you're physically with friends that you haven't seen in ages, but I won't.
There's a frustration in it, in wanting so desperately for someone to understand what you're talking about but knowing they aren't really grasping it. They think they do, and they may want to, but it feels like they're just saying things to appease you. "Sure Zan, of course Zan, we'll find one Zan." And you know they're just going to forget about it later. People have way bigger problems than I do, and I know my life is far from horrible, but bleh. I don't know. I can't even structure this damn post coherently. There's so much I want to vent...but I can't seem to really do it.
I miss Ragnarok with Mike. So. Fucking. Desperately. I don't know how to explain it, but playing it then...there was something deep to it. Something meaningful. Something real. Not to the game, I know it's fake and all that psycho shit, but my time with my friend was real. Vivid. In a place like Iowa where I really have no friends, it's something you crave. Social interaction with people you actually care about becomes like water denied to you in a desert. I just wish someone was willing to help me out in this. Help me find 'it.' And maybe they are, maybe they will, but I can't help but feel it'll fail. It always fails. Ever since RO it's all been shit. A month goes by and apathy kicks in. I need to talk to my friends, to something visually them. I don't care if it's your eyes. Your anything. But it's a representation of you. You created the avatar and you're imbued into its making. Not in a mistaking-reality way, but in a general application. If you made it, you're a part of it. If only in concept. I want to fight side by side with these people, laugh at whatever crazy bullshit insues and just feel something profound like I had back in RO.
Something profound. In a game. I know.
I know.
There's a frustration in it, in wanting so desperately for someone to understand what you're talking about but knowing they aren't really grasping it. They think they do, and they may want to, but it feels like they're just saying things to appease you. "Sure Zan, of course Zan, we'll find one Zan." And you know they're just going to forget about it later. People have way bigger problems than I do, and I know my life is far from horrible, but bleh. I don't know. I can't even structure this damn post coherently. There's so much I want to vent...but I can't seem to really do it.
I miss Ragnarok with Mike. So. Fucking. Desperately. I don't know how to explain it, but playing it then...there was something deep to it. Something meaningful. Something real. Not to the game, I know it's fake and all that psycho shit, but my time with my friend was real. Vivid. In a place like Iowa where I really have no friends, it's something you crave. Social interaction with people you actually care about becomes like water denied to you in a desert. I just wish someone was willing to help me out in this. Help me find 'it.' And maybe they are, maybe they will, but I can't help but feel it'll fail. It always fails. Ever since RO it's all been shit. A month goes by and apathy kicks in. I need to talk to my friends, to something visually them. I don't care if it's your eyes. Your anything. But it's a representation of you. You created the avatar and you're imbued into its making. Not in a mistaking-reality way, but in a general application. If you made it, you're a part of it. If only in concept. I want to fight side by side with these people, laugh at whatever crazy bullshit insues and just feel something profound like I had back in RO.
Something profound. In a game. I know.
I know.