I digress
I need to start giving myself more credit. I am a good person, and I should be happy to have such a beautiful body and heart. My heart is so large and in charge of everything that I do. I credit my heart for everything that I do. This can be horrible some times, but the payoff for a good love is too great to let my heart close itself off to everything bad. There must begin to be a balance in my life when it comes to loving myself. The reasons why I love people so desperately when I am with them is because I want to desperately love myself in that way. When I eventually sabotage the relationship because I do not want to hurt thier feelings by breaking up with them, so I force them to break up with me, I see it as an attack on my self-love. Another reason why I am worthless. I cannot seperate myself from my heart long enough to understand why I am being broken up with. It just seems like I have failed another relationship because I am not capable of being loved. This cannot be the case.
I want to be loved so badly. To be taken care of, my head rubbed, told that I am good and kind and lovable. It has taken me so long to figure out that it is because my mother was so cold emotionally that I need this snuggle act. I remembered something the other day that bears importance now. When I was ages 5-9 I would run and hide in the hallway when I heard my mothers car come in the driveway. My heart would beat so fast because I was so excited to see her. when she reached the top of the stairs I would spring out and yell "mpa!!!" (which is a pet name I gave her) and I would just be like a puppy dog at her feet. She would not even acknowlege me most of the time. Just put her purse on the kitchen table and say hello to me very coldly. As if she felt she was obligated to at least throw me a bone. I continued doing this for years in hopes that one day I would get a positive response. I put all my energy into this act and I would plan it every day long in advance of the actual occurance. I would draw pictures of myself jumping out at my mother and her hugging me.
The relationships that I form with males are tainted from the get go for many reasons. Two of them are that I want to love myself so badly, and I project the love I want to give myself onto them by just completely blindly loving them. And two, when we do finally break up it is devistating to me because of the rejection of love that my mother gave me at such a young age.
My mother never touched me or hugged me or told me that I was worth anything. She allowed my brother to call me a "cunt sucking whore" in front of my friends and she allowed him to beat the crap out of me on a consistent basis. One of my friends from childhood was not allowed to come over the house because Kai was so out of control. Once he even tied me up with nylon rope and dragged me downstairs. He would chase me with steak knives, and throw full jars of spagetti sauce at me.(that was his favorite). He would ask me if Trent Reznor would fuck me up the ass so long and hard and then afterwards he would lick my bleeding asshole. He would spit in my face almost every time he walked by me, and I thought that was all that I was worth.
I began to eat and eat and eat. I found it extremely easy to block out my self-hatred and depression by eating sweets. and by the age of 11-13 I was the target of many fat jokes in school. I would come home crying every day from school and I wouldn't tell anyone because I knew my mom was incapable of supporting me emotionally. Kai was the most out of control when I was 11-13. I called 911 twice. My parents would not listen to me when I told him that he was hurting me. They wanted to keep up appearances. This denial of my pain is something that I carried inside of me for many years. I knew I was a little in need of extra attention, but I thought that was normal. I thought it was normal to try and kill myself if a boy broke up with me. I know now that that behavior is not normal. Wanting to torture myself by snipping all of the veins in my hands with a finger nail clipper. bashing a brick into my head. I used to cut myself horribly on my legs and arms and anywhere that I could find a patch of flesh. I was cutting the word sadomasochism into my leg and blood was gushing down my leg and I said "Look mom! look what I did!!" and she just said "oh kaye, you shouldn't do that". and that was that. She just turned around and walked away. She saw countless cuts on my legs and arms and she would just look away. Finally I pushed a safety pin through my lip and I ran up to her and said "look mom!!!" and she just rolled her eyes and looked away. This is another example of denial of my pain that makes me very upset.
My mother had a very cold and unemotional mother as well. I can see that she has not worked to overcome those faults in her mother.
I am not blaming my mother for all of the reasons I have such hatred for myself, but I am trying to figure out where all of this stems from. I work hard every day to feel good about myself, but sometimes I get lazy. I let myself go. I have shut myself up for my whole life when people would ask me if I had a hard time growing up. "no, not really, everyone has a hard time. I got over it." Well, apparently I have not gotten over it. I hate myself so completely that I am not sure how I will ever get out of this hole that I am in. I feel as though I am not worth someone even making eye contact with me. I have no sense of self or identity, and it will take a while to form one. I am happy to have figured this out though. I look forward to learning about myself.
I want to be loved so badly. To be taken care of, my head rubbed, told that I am good and kind and lovable. It has taken me so long to figure out that it is because my mother was so cold emotionally that I need this snuggle act. I remembered something the other day that bears importance now. When I was ages 5-9 I would run and hide in the hallway when I heard my mothers car come in the driveway. My heart would beat so fast because I was so excited to see her. when she reached the top of the stairs I would spring out and yell "mpa!!!" (which is a pet name I gave her) and I would just be like a puppy dog at her feet. She would not even acknowlege me most of the time. Just put her purse on the kitchen table and say hello to me very coldly. As if she felt she was obligated to at least throw me a bone. I continued doing this for years in hopes that one day I would get a positive response. I put all my energy into this act and I would plan it every day long in advance of the actual occurance. I would draw pictures of myself jumping out at my mother and her hugging me.
The relationships that I form with males are tainted from the get go for many reasons. Two of them are that I want to love myself so badly, and I project the love I want to give myself onto them by just completely blindly loving them. And two, when we do finally break up it is devistating to me because of the rejection of love that my mother gave me at such a young age.
My mother never touched me or hugged me or told me that I was worth anything. She allowed my brother to call me a "cunt sucking whore" in front of my friends and she allowed him to beat the crap out of me on a consistent basis. One of my friends from childhood was not allowed to come over the house because Kai was so out of control. Once he even tied me up with nylon rope and dragged me downstairs. He would chase me with steak knives, and throw full jars of spagetti sauce at me.(that was his favorite). He would ask me if Trent Reznor would fuck me up the ass so long and hard and then afterwards he would lick my bleeding asshole. He would spit in my face almost every time he walked by me, and I thought that was all that I was worth.
I began to eat and eat and eat. I found it extremely easy to block out my self-hatred and depression by eating sweets. and by the age of 11-13 I was the target of many fat jokes in school. I would come home crying every day from school and I wouldn't tell anyone because I knew my mom was incapable of supporting me emotionally. Kai was the most out of control when I was 11-13. I called 911 twice. My parents would not listen to me when I told him that he was hurting me. They wanted to keep up appearances. This denial of my pain is something that I carried inside of me for many years. I knew I was a little in need of extra attention, but I thought that was normal. I thought it was normal to try and kill myself if a boy broke up with me. I know now that that behavior is not normal. Wanting to torture myself by snipping all of the veins in my hands with a finger nail clipper. bashing a brick into my head. I used to cut myself horribly on my legs and arms and anywhere that I could find a patch of flesh. I was cutting the word sadomasochism into my leg and blood was gushing down my leg and I said "Look mom! look what I did!!" and she just said "oh kaye, you shouldn't do that". and that was that. She just turned around and walked away. She saw countless cuts on my legs and arms and she would just look away. Finally I pushed a safety pin through my lip and I ran up to her and said "look mom!!!" and she just rolled her eyes and looked away. This is another example of denial of my pain that makes me very upset.
My mother had a very cold and unemotional mother as well. I can see that she has not worked to overcome those faults in her mother.
I am not blaming my mother for all of the reasons I have such hatred for myself, but I am trying to figure out where all of this stems from. I work hard every day to feel good about myself, but sometimes I get lazy. I let myself go. I have shut myself up for my whole life when people would ask me if I had a hard time growing up. "no, not really, everyone has a hard time. I got over it." Well, apparently I have not gotten over it. I hate myself so completely that I am not sure how I will ever get out of this hole that I am in. I feel as though I am not worth someone even making eye contact with me. I have no sense of self or identity, and it will take a while to form one. I am happy to have figured this out though. I look forward to learning about myself.