Shy
I am wondering why I do not have alot of friends. Maybe I am too particular about people. I always find fault in them. Maybe it is my aquarian nature shining through, but I am not absolutely sure. Maybe because I am EXTREMELY critical of myself that I am critical of others as well. too young. too old. not kind enough. not smart enough. no sense of humor. no yin yang tattoos. whatever the case I always find fault in people. I hope to some day move beyond that. It is not fair to myself and definately not others. I am just very opinionated and when others confess an admiration of a particular writer or musician or designer and I don't like them I burst open on the inside with anger. I am very opinionated, but also very sensitive to others feelings. So much so that I often hide my own opinions so as to not hurt thier feelings. Agreeing to like things I seethingly and horrifyingly hate and loath. When I dislike something I HATE it. I am afraid I will scare people away if I go off on a particular something or other that I hate. I should concentrate more on things that I love.
Today was a very out of control day. I was out of control. I feel as if consumption has taken me over. I eat so that I will not think of what is to happen next. I spend money frivolously and think of what new item I can purchase. Tomorrow I shall work.
I am going to go to a club called lush life on saturday with my palz. It should be fun. They want to dress militant. I am not sure if I still can. I felt very passionately about that style a year ago. So much so that I was fully consumed by it and nothing else. In other words I have excreted my desire for that kind of shock. I prefer to shock others by the fact that my skirt is way too short and they can see my thong. Zing!@!!!! just kidding!!!!
Sometimes when I smile I can feel the intensity of it. Like it really does not belong on me, yet my muscles are fighting with all thier might to hold onto it. I can feel the corners of my eyes strained in false joy. The hand and body gestures that I have been making since I have moved to Maine are completely off. I slam my hand down on the counter alot and while I was talking to someone the other day I knocked a coat hanger off the rack with my hand for no apparent reason. He likes me though. He has a girlfriend. He was blushing and asked for a hug. We joke around about me being a robot and malfunctioning. I like him. I want to be his friend, but I would assume that his girlfriend would have a problem with that. That is ok. I am typing this with no shirt on and only underwear on. That is ok because I am alone.
I did some dancing today in my apartment and I worked out as usual.
Today was a very out of control day. I was out of control. I feel as if consumption has taken me over. I eat so that I will not think of what is to happen next. I spend money frivolously and think of what new item I can purchase. Tomorrow I shall work.
I am going to go to a club called lush life on saturday with my palz. It should be fun. They want to dress militant. I am not sure if I still can. I felt very passionately about that style a year ago. So much so that I was fully consumed by it and nothing else. In other words I have excreted my desire for that kind of shock. I prefer to shock others by the fact that my skirt is way too short and they can see my thong. Zing!@!!!! just kidding!!!!
Sometimes when I smile I can feel the intensity of it. Like it really does not belong on me, yet my muscles are fighting with all thier might to hold onto it. I can feel the corners of my eyes strained in false joy. The hand and body gestures that I have been making since I have moved to Maine are completely off. I slam my hand down on the counter alot and while I was talking to someone the other day I knocked a coat hanger off the rack with my hand for no apparent reason. He likes me though. He has a girlfriend. He was blushing and asked for a hug. We joke around about me being a robot and malfunctioning. I like him. I want to be his friend, but I would assume that his girlfriend would have a problem with that. That is ok. I am typing this with no shirt on and only underwear on. That is ok because I am alone.
I did some dancing today in my apartment and I worked out as usual.