I feel weakened by anger
Every day I make it a point to treat everyone with respect and kindness, yet I have faltered in recent months. This has caused much anguish in me. It means so much to me that I treat others with kindness. It is hard for me to balance kindness with being strong and being tough at the same time. No one likes a push-over. Especially not me. If I act like a push-over and soft and easily shaped then people will be there waiting in the wings to take advantage of that. It is just human nature.
Recently I have had very strong feelings about selling most of my material posessions. I feel like consumption is taking over in my life. I have so many things that I don't need. Who needs so many clothes? I wonder if I will feel more of who I know that I really am if I did not have cd's and a computer or as many clothes as I have. Who needs 5 pairs of pants anyway?
The only things that I will keep are my books. I must learn to rid myself of them also. I would love to become a hobo. With nothing tying me down. Just traveling around the country on trains. My ex-boyfriend did it for about a year. I envyed him for it.
My feelings for myself and others are not in any way shape or form dependent upon my own or thier material posessions. I do not like when people purchase me things. I would rather have a rock they picked up off the ground and thought of me. Or a small scribbled picture that they drew for me. Dinners and flowers and chocolate mean about as much to me as a sigh of boredom.
Here are some things that I need to accomplish on a daily basis:
kindness. For everyone. I cannot let my inner feelings interfere with kindness and respect for everyone. No unkind words about anyone. I feel so horrible when I say mean things about others. It stops here.
I must sacrifice more for others. I must give all that I can until I have nothing, and then I must give some more.
I must learn how to direct love into positive areas. Loving people fully that deserve my love. Although I love all people, I feel that sometimes my love could serve a greater purpose if it were spent on people that truly adored me and had a positive influence on the world around them.
Am I heading down the road to become a nun? Sometimes I feel that way. But a nun without the religion. I want to be a nun without the entrappment of the church.
Ending shallow behavior is very important to me. I realize that sometimes I act that way. Who cares if someone has gastro-intestinal problems? Big deal. We are all only human. Being physically attractive is of no importance to me. Hair, clothes, posessions mean nothing. That is why I wear moo moos around people. For if they truly cared about ME they would not think twice about what I wore. They would understand that my feelings toward my body are not of my actual body, but what resides within it.
Do you ever feel as if your heart is so warm and burning within your chest? That you can actually feel it expanding and just desperately want to love all things. Everything? All the time? I get like that sometimes. I get like that and just get so excited to love.
I was not acting like myself the other night. I gave my phone number to a boy in a drunken stupor. I was loud and flirty and acting foolish. I must quiet myself down sometimes. Being humble is very important to me. I wonder if he will call me?
Recently I have had very strong feelings about selling most of my material posessions. I feel like consumption is taking over in my life. I have so many things that I don't need. Who needs so many clothes? I wonder if I will feel more of who I know that I really am if I did not have cd's and a computer or as many clothes as I have. Who needs 5 pairs of pants anyway?
The only things that I will keep are my books. I must learn to rid myself of them also. I would love to become a hobo. With nothing tying me down. Just traveling around the country on trains. My ex-boyfriend did it for about a year. I envyed him for it.
My feelings for myself and others are not in any way shape or form dependent upon my own or thier material posessions. I do not like when people purchase me things. I would rather have a rock they picked up off the ground and thought of me. Or a small scribbled picture that they drew for me. Dinners and flowers and chocolate mean about as much to me as a sigh of boredom.
Here are some things that I need to accomplish on a daily basis:
kindness. For everyone. I cannot let my inner feelings interfere with kindness and respect for everyone. No unkind words about anyone. I feel so horrible when I say mean things about others. It stops here.
I must sacrifice more for others. I must give all that I can until I have nothing, and then I must give some more.
I must learn how to direct love into positive areas. Loving people fully that deserve my love. Although I love all people, I feel that sometimes my love could serve a greater purpose if it were spent on people that truly adored me and had a positive influence on the world around them.
Am I heading down the road to become a nun? Sometimes I feel that way. But a nun without the religion. I want to be a nun without the entrappment of the church.
Ending shallow behavior is very important to me. I realize that sometimes I act that way. Who cares if someone has gastro-intestinal problems? Big deal. We are all only human. Being physically attractive is of no importance to me. Hair, clothes, posessions mean nothing. That is why I wear moo moos around people. For if they truly cared about ME they would not think twice about what I wore. They would understand that my feelings toward my body are not of my actual body, but what resides within it.
Do you ever feel as if your heart is so warm and burning within your chest? That you can actually feel it expanding and just desperately want to love all things. Everything? All the time? I get like that sometimes. I get like that and just get so excited to love.
I was not acting like myself the other night. I gave my phone number to a boy in a drunken stupor. I was loud and flirty and acting foolish. I must quiet myself down sometimes. Being humble is very important to me. I wonder if he will call me?